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The Nappy Diatribe

One man's throat-chopping reportage.

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I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..

Posted 03/27/2008 at 12:26 PM | Comment?

As I've stated before, the last thing on earth I should be doing is managing a presidential campaign, mainly because my penchant for viewing everything as a knife fight would absolutely sink my respective candidate - presidential necessities like nuance and decorum are lost on a man who's own mother characterizes him as an "insufferable prick". There have been numerous occasions when I wanted Obama to fold Hillary up like origami, and when he failed to do so I usually questioned his testicular fortitude in rather unflattering terms - more times than not I turned out to be flat wrong by the way, but that isn't the main reason why campaign managing isn't in my life's blood. A few years ago, my younger cousin asked me to help him with his campaign to become class president - I jumped at the opportunity, not only would becoming class president be great for his college applications, but just think about all the miscellaneous High School ass that would be carelessly thrown in his direction.(So, since living vicariously through him can't be considered statutory rape, I figured that I'd help him out.) For a couple of weekends in a row, my cousin and I, along with about 30 of his classmates that served as his "staff" - painstakingly strategized his campaign so much that we might as well have been sitting behind blue schematics. Not only were poster and button making on the respective agenda, but more sinister plans were at work as well - like our plan to throw the opposition off by having his girlfriend break up with him due to a staffer who had slept with him, not to mention various nasty whisper campaigns about drunken sex the opponent once had with a cat and his parents actually being actual siblings. Karl Rove doesn't have shit on me. Unfortunately, my aunt found out what we were up to and pulled the plug on my campaign managing career - oh well, my cousin still won without my help, I guess positive campaigning works sometimes. Anyway, here is my weekly advice for Senator Obama.

Start having Sinbad's back: Its funny how slow the news media works, for those of us in the know(i.e cats who spend too much time online) - from the beginning, that Bosnia story that Hillary was regurgitating seemed to have so many holes in it you could have turned it into mosquito netting. Everyone knew that Hillary's Bosnia trip was with Chelsea, Cheryl Crow, and Sinbad, so when she bragged about ducking from Sniper Fire something just didn't seem right - but as soon as Sinbad came out and said that the "scariest" part of the trip was wondering where they'd eat next, I just knew that spelled trouble for Hillary. Now there is actual video footage that completely refutes her Bosnia tale, but to a bigger extent, severely undercuts her "experience" argument that she has had over Barack Obama the entire primary season. Not only does Obama need to routinely hit her on this, but he also should ask the media to investigate all the other questionable accomplishments that seem to be nothing more than padding to her record. Her Creation of S-Chip, whether or not she helped pass FMLA(Family and Medical Leave Act), if the story of her helping to bring peace to Northern Ireland was complete horseshit or not - take the game to her, especially after she is now shamelessly playing politics with Rev. Wright.

Push the Wrecking Ball Theory: Lets be completely honest here, outside of the Clinton Campaign, republican commentators who feign objectivity but only have an agenda of mischief to speak of, along with the countless Hillary apologists that currently flood the cable airwaves - the delegate math for Mrs. Clinton is insurmountable, and the only way for her to become the Democratic Nominee is for her to make Barack Obama unelectable. Such tactics make Kamikaze piloting look like a rubdown in a shiatsu, especially if her plan doesn't work and we have a bruised and battered Obama limping into a general election with John McCain - that's why Obama, especially after the North Carolina and Indiana primaries, should openly wonder why Hillary Clinton is trying to assist John McCain to a November victory. Outright asking her to drop out is a bad move, but Obama suggesting that her main goal is a self serving one and not one for the good of the party - that seems to be completely above board. After making that clear, sharply pivot exclusively to John McCain - and only utter Mrs. Clinton's name when asked a direct question about the Senator from New York.

Put the Rev Wright issue to bed: Even though some recent polls suggest that Obama didn't take that big of a hit over the "Pastor-gate" - rest assured, that the media will nickle-and-dime Obama to death with every semi-controversial utterance associated with Mr. Wright in every sermon, newsletter, or bowel movement over the last 20 years. Based on the intellectual laziness of the so called "Liberal media" like MSNBC and CNN, it would serve Obama to put this thing to bed permanently - he can't give another speech, and he shouldn't disassociate himself from a man who introduced him to the gospel, but he has to begin a narrative that outlines the medias need to doom his candidacy by guilt-by association. Constantly clarify that he is the one running for president here, not Rev. Wright, and how even the most inexperienced journalist could pour over his record and see how he has historically been on the right side of tolerance and patriotism.