TWO REASONS WHY I WILL NEVER GROW UP
Don't let bad knees, a diminishing sex drive, the grey beard, and a grey genital area that looks like you put a sausage in an ashy tray fool you: even though I'm 33 years old, I feel that I will be a toddler for eternity. I'm not trying to follow those words that "Toys R Us" made famous, because I indeed want to grow up, have a wife that nags me about my drinking, have a perfect white picket fence that would get me kicked out of the Public Enemy fan club, and have a son who I'd be worried about until his wedding day based on that ONE time he decided to put on his mother's high heels. I want all of that. (I really do.) Because I wanted to be the ultimate family man I made the necessary changes in my life to acquire that dream - I started showering regularly, I stopped hitting men in the mouth who said anything other than Rakim being the best MC ever, I stopped telling unruly neighborhood kids that their mothers should have digested them... I even started throwing my arm around chicks after sex. I thought I was on my way to adulthood, albeit late.
That is, until I got completely hooked to "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas," and later "Guitar Hero II." I mean, who has the time to open up joint checking accounts, raise some crumb-snatchers who might resemble your favorite blogger, and talk about retirement plans after fucking my wife for like the thousandth time, when there are drug dealers to be killed and guitar levels to be mastered! But I feel there is a silver lining to my video game obsession, though. It stopped me from driving some woman who committed her life to me to lesbianism, and raising some violent offspring who have a very elitist view of Hip Hop.
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: I know this game is three years old, but it's as addictive today as it was when I took it out of the box in 2004. If following the storyline to the letter wasn't enough, a person can get lost in the game simply by driving around and taking in the vast landscape. But I have to be honest here, I get my real kicks by killing unassuming drug dealers, punching innocent bystanders directly in the mouth, taking out police helicopters with bazookas, and killing more young men than "You stepped on my sneaker" rants as I take over their gang territory with my small arsenal.
But you have to be careful, because this game will bleed into your actual life something fierce. You'll find yourself pulling up to women on the street expecting them to hop in your ride and service you, expect strangers on the street to compliment your body art, and wonder why haircuts don't take two seconds. I don't think walking up to a drug dealer and closing his drug distribution business forever is the most punishable sin in the world, but murder is murder, and before you know it you'll find a certain orifice constantly sore as you hold an inmate named Tiny's pocket as a sign of ownership.
Guitar Hero II: When I was the lead singer of a local rock band, I was the ultimate front man, mainly because I was an insufferable prick. I'd show up late, refer to myself in the third person, pick fights with heckling audience members, tell club owners who refused to book us that they would regret it "for the rest of their miserable existence!!", and I would sleep with groupies and act like I never saw them before in my life the following week. Yes, I'm really that much of an asshole. But I was just jealous that I didn't have the talent to be the lead guitarist, a position that I've coveted every since I heard my first Hendrix album. I mean, the lead singer could pull off the whole "tortured soul" act with perfection - but making that guitar wail, beautifully bending tunes with ease, exhibiting a musical wizardry that would magically make women throw their Lane Bryant's in your direction. With Guitar Hero II, frustrated guitarists everywhere get their shot at glory, even if it is a video game where the chicks have animated breasts. The one thing that slows my writing, besides my penchant for "rubbing one out" to thick Asian women, is my addiction to this very game. Where else can you play "Free Bird," Suicidal Tendencies' "Institutionalized," and the Police's "Message in a Bottle" without the crowd wanting to behead you? Unfortunately, I get carried away, and after some killer performances I've smashed a few guitars in the process, which is getting pretty costly for a dude who likes to shower himself in snacks and pornography.
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Comments
1.
spaceage3k says:
Man....I feel that post. I once dated a girl who told me it was time to give up reading comic books b/c "grown men don't do such things". She said I'd have to choose between her and my comics. Let's just say that I haven't seen hide-nor-hair of her since the Reaper paid her a visit! LOL! Great post, HC!
03/01/2007 at 7:54 PM
2.
Simplenigma says:
I was with you 'til the video game part...really, I was.
I once got stood up by some dude who preferred to fondle Playstation's joystick and buttons to the tune of Madden '06, instead of spending an intellectually stimulating evening with me.
Bastard.
02/28/2007 at 7:23 PM