The Nappy Diatribe

AN IDIOT'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH THREE BARACK OBAMA SMEARS

Posted 03/02/2007 at 4:40 PM  |  10 comment/s

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When it was rumored that Barack Obama was even thinking about running for the highest office on the land (NO, I don't mean the owner of High Times magazine either), I feared for the brother's life the same way I fear for naked white girls in horror flicks, or my sweet asshole when I got arrested. People want you to believe that this country is more progressive nowadays, that the days of lynchings and drinking out of colored water fountains were a million years ago, but I live a stone's throw away from Pat Robertson's crib so I can tell you that America needs a serious rehabilitation program to get to the level of progression that we THINK we're at. America, in terms of racism in this country, is like that guy who drinks excessively every night like it's a part time job, but doesn't think he's an alcoholic because he doesn't drink alone, in the mornings, or on an empty stomach. That's where America is at, and based on how many times I've been praised for the clarity in which I speak, asked by white people why they weren't allowed to use the "N-Word", and other forms of idiocy passed through Caucasian mandibles, the last thing in the world I wanted brother Barack to do was run for President of the sometimes-great nation. But when he finally threw his hat into the ring, I suggested that he do a few things. For one, I felt that it would be wise of him to travel the same way the pope does, under that impenetrable bubble so strong that missiles and advances from white women would bounce off it with ease. Also, like I've said before, he needs to call Chuck D to see if he can borrow the S1W's for his daily protection. I'm just saying, nothing would scare aspiring assassins and other garden-variety Jeff Foxworthy fans like the S1W's dressed in their "Black Power" attire screaming, "Go get a late pass, STEP!!!" during one of his presidential addresses. We won't even go into me hoping that he takes a page out of Curtis Jackson's handbook, making bullet-proof vests worn over suits all the rave in the fashion world, even having a retractable gun that springs out of the arm of his jacket like a presidential "Inspector Gadget" and shit.

Listen, the presidential election is a long ways away - for all I know he won't even be the presidential nominee and there's no guarantee that I'll be thrilled about him if he ends up snagging said nomination - but there are a few things that I feel obligated to warn you good folks about. Here is "An idiot's guide to dealing with Three Obama Smears."

Barack "Hussein" Obama: From now until the end of Barack's presidential career, Republican operatives, strategists, and nominees as far as the eye can see will go that extra mile and say Mr. Obama's entire name, Barack "Hussein" Obama. Sure, when you protest this slimy tactic the offender will likely throw up their hands in disgust and say, "What, I'm only saying his name?", even though it's clear by including "Hussein" that the person is desperately trying to bring thoughts of terrorism and hiding in spider-holes to mind. The same people who use this tactic and want to point out the similarities between "Obama" and "Osama" are the same people who supported an illegal war, and are the same people who only support the troops when they are on the battlefield. (Not when they get home, that is) I mean, if I wanted to be a complete dick, I could mention our president's middle name, "Walker," bringing to mind horrible shows where an aging King Fu star recites bad dialog, needs stunt-men to perform the most pedestrian of fight tasks, and wears jeans so tight that I'm sure you can diagram the acne on his backside like a connect-the-dots puzzle. Now THAT's a punishable offense!

"Lack of Experience": When I was in High School I learned a powerful lesson, one that showed me that "experience" doesn't always equate to "quality." Case in point: there were two girls who were vying for my attention back when Big Daddy Kane reigned supreme, a smoking girl named Maritza who could have given hernia exams based on how many phalluses she'd handled in her lifetime, and a shy girl named Sherry who by all accounts was a virgin. Being that I have been a pervert ever since I escaped the womb, I went with Maritza. Sherry was cute and all, but I didn't exactly feel like brokering a peace deal just to get the opportunity to feel someone up. When the time came, the sex was horrible: she screamed like a porn actress, I couldn't enjoy it because the condom kept slipping off and I felt that if my bare body touched anything inside her my penis would melt as if I looked at the Arc of the covenant. (Let's not forget that I barely touched the sides - I've felt more secure reaching inside of my closet) But when I got with Sherry it was beautiful, tender. I knew what a parent must feel like as I saw her experience things for the first time, and let me just say, hearing a girl say "Are you really going to put that there?" is hotter than fish-grease.

I'm sorry I just went into that unnecessary diatribe, but when people say that Barack Obama can't be president because of his lack of experience, I think of Maritza being a metaphor for this current administration - Tired, Worn out, not producing any results, some new blood couldn't be any worse. By the way, what experience did Bush have when he became president anyway? Correct me if I'm wrong, but at the time that he was inaugurated, hadn't Bush only been overseas a couple times in his life?

"Articulate": There are many people out there - mainly individuals who pray to the altar of George W. Bush, think that Rush Limbaugh is this generation's Edward R. Murrow, and masturbate to skeletal pictures of Ann Coulter - who strongly feel that there isn't anything wrong with people calling Barack Obama "articulate." Even after you point out that Barack Obama has to be the only president of the Harvard Law Review who's ever been praised for his clear diction, people will still respond with "I'm giving him a compliment, I can admit that George W Bush isn't articulate. What's the fuss?" Let me break down the "fuss" based on my personal experiences...

1. Keep in mind that I'm not a presidential candidate and the only "Bar" that I know is the one where I get way too drunk and end up having sex with some woman of ill repute on the side of the building with all the might that a fat man could muster - but I have been called "articulate" at least 200 times in my life. At Job interviews the interviewer has said, "Boy, you sure speak extremely well!!" Talking to strangers inside of a bar: "Jesus Christ, when you walked up I never knew you'd be so articulate!" My point is this, I'm sure that your average white guy, one that has a strange love for Janeane Garofalo and late-night snacking, doesn't have his colloquialism brought into question a million times a year.

2. This isn't really about the "articulate" issue, but an example of subtle racism that I caught even as a youth. I remember like it was yesterday, a difficult task for a guy whose cranium is filled with bong resin and other mind-altering drugs, my English teacher Ms. Walker praising me to high heavens for getting a C+, acting as if I had just found Jimmy Hoffa or crapped out gold nuggets. Then, without missing a beat, she'd go over to my white counterpart who had just received a B+ for the same paper and saying, "Come on Jimmy, you can do better than that!!" It's not being called the N-Word, or having a cross burned in your front yard or anything, but it's still racism, man. Interesting post-script to that story: after that, my teachers' actions motivated me to get the best grades in the class, where I would say to Jimmy in the earshot of Ms. Walker (holding up my A+ paper), "Jimmy, motivational speeches from Jesus can't get your score any better than this!!"

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