The Nappy Diatribe

"Conversations with a Conservative Friend": Ann Coulter

Posted 03/09/2007 at 4:17 PM  |  7 comment/s

This is what I call having John Edwards' back, in the most heterosexual "I love women!!" way imaginable.

A few months ago, believe it or not, I was knee-deep in women's panties to the point that my closest friends nicknamed me "the gynecologist." (Not only because I saw more vaginas up close and personal than your average licensed physician, but also because I'm so germaphobic that listening to a women's heartbeat with a stethoscope wasn't beneath me.) Let me tell you, for a guy who hadn't received a steady stream of ass since the last relevant Ice Cube album, to say that I felt like a stud during this time period would be a huge understatement - something akin to saying that Lil Wayne kissing Baby on the lips is just "a little gay." During this time, I attempted to keep women as happy as an audience member on "Oprah." Every morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, before the first prayer that I uttered after wiping the crust out of my eyes, I'd thank the big guy who I affectionately call "JC" for blessing me with a "cock that works!!" But like all good things, especially in this clusterfuck of a life that I'm currently the star of, it came to an end. Slowly and surely, my asshole tendencies caused each one of my dalliances to give me their proverbial two weeks' notice, to the point that I'd come home every night to "You ain't shit motherfucker! I'm going to get Ray-Ray, Tootie and them to come over there and kick your ass!!" diatribes.

That's what inspired me to get this phone where I could record conversations while they were happening. I figured that a chick telling me that she's "seen bigger penises during ultrasounds" would be great entertainment for the people who frequent my blog. But because of legal issues, you know, taping people without their knowledge and them being able to literally sue the boxer shorts off of my fleshy backside, I decided against it. But the phone is finally being put to use though, especially when I have these political discussions with my conservative friend on many subjects. Here is one we had the other night.(Don't worry, I had his permission to post his brand of idiocy.)

(phone ringing)

HumanityCritic: Hello?

Chris: What's up man, what are you doing?

HumanityCritic: Nothing, just watching porn, staring at three bottles of lotion, trying to figure out which one would glide more effortlessly across my co..

Chris: Hey-Hey! Can we get through one conversation without you talking about your private parts, some "honey's" hair that you ejaculated in while saying "That should help your perm out!!" - or some other form of deviant behavior that I find absolutely offensive?

HumanityCritic: I forgot how uptight you conservatives were. Shouldn't you be somewhere masturbating to Mein Kampf - or watching FOX News on an eternal loop?

Chris: FOX News is the #1 news channel by the way. How do you explain that?

HumanityCritic: William Hung, millions of people buying Britney Spears albums, Jim Jones, Tyler Perry's fanbase, George Bush being re-elected, how do you explain those things? Fox News' popularity just proves that the masses are mindless. What person in their right mind keeps watching a network that has been proven to lie to them?

Chris: I'm not going to argue that point again. Are you talking about the Jim Jones that tried to get people to drink that tainted Kool-Aid?

HumanityCritic: Actually, it's a rapper who talks tough but who's literally softer than baby shit - a proverbial douchebag who talks an excessive amount of trash only because he's trying to mask the fact that he wants to be double-penetrated in the worst way imaginable.

Chris: Jesus, forget that I asked. So, what do you think of Ann Coulter?

HumanityCritic: I don't really think of her at all, to be completely honest. I mean, the best way to describe her shape is that of a blond javelin. The only way you can think she's attractive is if you feel classroom skeletons with a pair of water balloons draped around her neck posing as breasts are sexy.

Chris: Get the fuck outta here, Ann Coulter is smoking hot!!

HumanityCritic: "Smoking Hot"?? I've seen children standing behind Sally Struthers in those commercials come off as more voluptuous!! Not being racist, but is that a white thing?

Chris: What are you talking about?

HumanityCritic: Not for nothing, but I've known my fair share of white boys in my day who feel that anorexic looking girls are a thing to be worshiped. I vividly imagine that me fucking Ann Coulter would sound exactly like me fucking a sheet of bubble wrap. Her bones just a'poppin' and a'crackin'..

Chris: How about you black guys? Dating girls whose asses spill out of their jeans, women who when the sit down look like their seats are overflowing with ass, hips so wide it seems that the strongest hurricane couldn't knock them over.

HumanityCritic: You say all of that like they're bad things..

Chris: Forget it. What do you think about her calling John Edwards a "faggot"? People are sure pissed about that!

HumanityCritic: Man, she does this type of shit for attention, so dumbasses like you and me can talk about her, so dumbasses like me can dictate said conversations into a Vibe.com blog post.

Chris: So you don't find her comments objectionable?

HumanityCritic: Sure I do - her whole existence in the media seems to be as ugly as a Lil' Kim pap-smear.

Chris: Thanks for that imagery, by the way...

HumanityCritic: I'm just saying: is she a watery sack of crap? Yes. But when you look at her calling John Edwards a "faggot," her claiming that Bill Clinton raped women in the White House, her saying the 9/11 widows she had "never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much," or her saying "My only regret with [Oklahoma City bomber] Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building." We won't even go into what she said after 9/11 - that we should invade all "terrorist countries," kill their leaders and convert the people to Christianity.

Chris: So you think that she doesn't believe what she's saying?

HumanityCritic: I think that broad is nuttier than squirrel shit, so she could believe a great deal of it, but I think it's largely to get her name in the paper. It's no different than Paris Hilton trying to get the paparazzi to desperately take a picture of her rotten snatch, or other shameless PR moves of that ilk. But don't get me wrong though, that doesn't make her statement any less detestable.

Chris: For a guy who apparently doesn't think about Ann Coulter a lot, you sure know a lot about her. Are you sure that you haven't got a thing for Ann?

HumanityCritic: Hell no, James Brown's rotting corpse is meatier than Ann's frame.

Chris: On that note, I gotta go.

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