EXCUSE ME WHILE I DELICATELY DEFECATE ON MTV's GREATEST HIP-HOP GROUPS LIST
There's a good chance that I'm the only person this side of the equator who feels this way, but somewhere within the deep recesses of my brain I want Howard K. Stern to be the one who benefits from the death of the woman who was probably the most popular Marilyn Monroe impersonator ever. Sure, he comes off like a leech, a lawyer by trade whose only disposable income came from washing her soiled undergarments by hand and picking up her methadone prescriptions regularly. He seems like he hitched his wagon to the proverbial cash cow that was Anna Nicole Smith so he could figuratively throw money around like PacMan Jones in a strip-club (minus the shootings). But despite all his faults, as many times as you've seen this miserable enabler and had to adjust your television sets because you thought that his eyes were replaced with dollar signs, I simply think the man deserves some sort of compensation based on the many years of mindless conversation he was subjected to. Take it from me, mindless conversation can make you want to kill a motherfucker, I couldn't tell you how many times I fantasized about going on a killing spree as I sat and listened to the most incoherent ramblings from the chick that twisted my hair and her flock of cackling clientele. I finally understand how a loving husband can all of a sudden snap, dismember his wife, then bury pieces of her at every memorable location the couple shared during the tenure of their relationship. Thoughts of hacksaws would infiltrate my cerebellum whenever I would sit and listen to my ex-girlfriend laugh at some of the most juvenile shit imaginable while she was on the phone with a friend that I wouldn't trust with long division.
Poor Howard, I feel his pain. I can just imagine how many times he was asked with child-like wonderment, with those massive tits staring him in his grill, about some historical figure that your average 4th grader could wax poetic about. Having to be on the business end of "Guess this smell, Howard!!" games, vicodin-induced conversations about who would win in a fight between a "pickle" and a "potato," and having his penis be the main character of an impromptu puppet show that Anna decided to put on instead of pleasing him like she promised. I'd rather get a root canal, get "jumped in" during a gang initiation, or have a rather aggressive prostate exam, than be subjected to idiotic diatribes ad naseum. Like John Malkovich's character, KGB, said in the movie "Rounders" after Matt Damon handed him his ass at No Limit Hold'em: "Pay that man his money!!"
When I first saw MTV's "The Greatest Hip Hop Groups of All Time" list, it didn't surprise or anger me in the least. Sure I threw up inside my mouth when I saw it, but since "Yo MTV Raps" was the last time they had any credibility concerning microphone wielders, I just chuckled to myself like I do when I see an old person falling down a flight of stairs. But I didn't find a need to make a big fuss at the time. These were the opinions of people who worked for a network that pimps out our music like it's the most trustworthy "bottom-bitch." Taking their list with any amount of seriousness would be akin to listening to a homeless man go on and on about the job market. I mean, no De La Soul, no Ultramagnetic, no Beastie Boys? (I automatically knew that this list had to be taken with the same sort of intense seriousness as guarding a retarding child in a game of one-on-one.) I was ready to move the fuck on and go about my daily business of exercising certain appendages to Internet porn and leaving cryptic "Have you ever fucked a fat guy who has a Napoleon complex below the waist?" messages to women on myspace, when I stumbled on MTV and saw the "behind the scenes" conversations they had when making said list. Go here.
Man, talk about your mindless conversations, hearing some of the incoherent drivel spill out of the mouths of these blistering incompetents, I suddenly wanted to know which mental institution MTV got these rat pack of glass-lickers from. Let me just run down some of the horseshit arguments they pulled out the recesses of their collective asses when coming up with this, ahem, "list."
How they define a "group": Sway introduced the segment by breaking down what constituted a "group" in the eyes of the Hip Hop authorities over at MTV: an act with more than one primary MC sharing the microphone duties. He went on to say that that was the reason groups like "Gangstarr" and "The Roots" were excluded from said list, and that they would qualify for a "different list" at some time in the near future. (Shit-stick, if you've already done a "best group" and a "best MC" list, what other fucking lists are there going to be, exactly?) First of all, I disagree with what constitutes a "group" - I personally believe that a group is when more than one person contributes equally to the overall sound of the group. That being said, Gangstarr is a group based on Premo's beats and Guru's lyrics, the same applies with "The Roots" even though I feel that an MC by the name of Malik B comfortably falls under MTV's foolish guidelines anyways.
The "UGK over The Beastie Boys" argument: I was going to talk about the discussion that preceded this one, whether the Beastie Boys were Hip Hop or not, but those ramblings were so idiotic in nature that if I forced myself to recall them on this blog, the next step would be for me to run into the MTV building screaming "Death to the infidels!!" That being said, this segment was where the collective group of Hip Hop "know-nothings" talked about bumping the Beasties off of the list for UGK, based on the Southern group's influence on talented wordsmiths like Lil Wayne and Paul Wall. Let me just start off by saying that nothing tires me more than some ass-hat injecting some Southern rappers in the mix like this is a special Olympics event where retards get medals just for simply competing. Besides UGK being extraordinarily wack, I'm sure they influenced some folks, but the Beasties made people around the world who lacked melanin believe that they could one day hold the microphone in the most unflinching of fashions. That's impact, baby, and their dalliances with punk music during their careers somehow taking away from their "Hip Hop" status is as ridiculous as all those black folks who thought I was trying to be white for riding a skateboard back in the day. This is the segment where I realized that two gentlemen named Shaheem Reid and Tuma Basa were inbred clowns, who MTV probably rescued from jobs mopping Jizz at a porn theater somewhere and being a fluffer on gay porn video sets.
The "Outkast over A Tribe Called Quest" argument: If it wasn't silly before, this is where it got outright embarrassing. The way that certain people openly rejected the notion of A Tribe Called Quest being placed above Outkast like it was the most hell-worthy of trespasses. Matter of fact, when someone mentioned doing do, a chick named Bridget Bland screamed a "Hell no!!" that sounded like a legion of chicken-head girls scraping their collective nails against a chalkboard. As she argued her case for Outkast, you can just tell that she wasn't familiar with Tribe at all, or their catalog of classic material - listen, putting Outkast over Tribe isn't exactly Auschwitz, but when I think of all the classic songs that the group out of Queens put out, it just tips the scales for me. Also, not for nothing, but I'd put Tribe's first three albums against Outkast's first three any day of the week. (That's just me.)
The "N.W.A over Public Enemy" argument: Sure, I feel that putting N.W.A over Public Enemy is as blasphemous as masturbating to bible verses or sodomizing nuns, but the arguments these jackasses used were truly the insulting part. On an artistic level you can't really argue against Public Enemy. Sure, N.W.A's first album was a classic, and even though many people feel that the two albums that followed "Straight Outta Compton" were good, there was a significant drop-off after Ice Cube left. (I know that under MTV's standards N.W.A were always a group based on three people rhyming, but after Cube left the only legitimate MC was Ren. I'm just saying.) Public Enemy had three classic albums, and as much as I liked N.W.A., I just have to say that P.E's empowering the once-unenlightened masses trumps N.W.A's angering the already-angered masses. Going up against the boys in blue is rebellious, sure, but going up against a government that has had civil rights leaders murdered, presidents shot, and entire black organizations neutralized via murder and incarceration, Public Enemy is truly the epitome of "gangster."
That being said, here is a list of my own: people on that particular MTV staff who need to be beaten with a bag of Ego Trip books as soon as humanly possible, #1 being the person who needs the worst pummeling. (MTV, it would suit you better if you had Hip Hop journalists who were universally respected collaborating on these sorts of lists, sprinkled in with some underground artists. Having "the help" comprise any sort of Hip Hop list is akin to a musical artist using record company lawyers.)
1. Tuma Basa - manager-music programming, MTV
2. Shaheem Reid-Hip Hop editor, MTV news
3. Bridget Bland-producer, MTV radio
4. Buttahman-director, music and talent, MTV
5. tone boots-consultant, MTV
6. Kurt Williamson-producer MTV news
7. Joseph Patel-producer, MTV news
8. Rahman Dukes-senior producer, MTV news
9. Sway-resident headwrap wearer.
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Comments
1.
Inside Man says:
I would rate the Beastie Boys above UGK too, but I would not call UGK whack because of it. Riding Dirty was a heavy album.
The issue with the arguement of "the greatest" is that people will dis great music in order to be correct. ATCQ and Outkast are two great groups and both have contributed outstanding hip hop albums, their is just no way to proove which reigns supreme. I personally would prefer Outkast first three above ATCQ first three, but I can't say Tribe's catalog can't hang with Outkast's because it can. However, I do firmly believe Aquemini is better then any of ATCQ albums.
I would have liked to see Gangstarr, EPMD, and Cypress Hill on there but thats not for an MTV crowd.
03/18/2007 at 11:47 PM
2.
BrotherOmi says:
and yet another reason i don't watch MTV for their lists. eff them
so then according to their criteria, INXS is not a group because they have one lead singer? or Bob Marley and the Wailers are not a group because only bob sung? wtf
03/18/2007 at 3:43 PM
3.
Dr Flav says:
Peoples Instinctive Travels... was Tribes first joint sATaLyte, I just couldnt let that pass, but I agree with your opinion to a degree, but the first three Tribe albums trumped Outcast.
03/17/2007 at 5:24 AM
4.
sATaLyte says:
People are really taking a lot of credit away from southern artists because they feel as though there is nothing but backroads and inbreeding coming out of the south.
Taking credit away from great lyricists like Bun B, Andre 3000, and Bib Boi just because Tribe came first(so what?) make no sense at all.
Anyhow, do Outkast not fall into the category of classic hip-hop? Or do you lump them in with questionnable snap music and crunk jams.
Tribe had a great first album with Low End Theory, but it ends there.
It just sounds as if anyone who is immediately ready to write off Kast so quick, may not have really given them the listen they deserve.
03/16/2007 at 9:59 PM
5.
Jake says:
Just because someone has a similar opinion, they automatically have to be a "jockholder"? Come on, that's beneath you, either you have an adult response or not.
That being said, I'll take "Check the Rhime: over Outkasts entire catalog, that does for "Sucka Nigga", "I left my Wallet in El Segundo", even "Hot Sex on a platter" puts many an Outkast song to shame. As for Scenario "not being that hot", congrats, because you are the only one who feels that way..lol
As for "more hits", The black Eyes Peas have "more hits" than Tribe, doesn't exactly make them a better hip hop group now, does it? There wouldn't be an Outkast without a tribe, people who really know Hip Hop clearly understand that Tribe's classic completely obliterate anything from Outkast that you could ever bring to the table.
03/16/2007 at 8:49 PM
6.
sATaLyte says:
Excuse me HC jockholder below, the statements in that there blog are clearly biased towards a northern way of thinking.
If anything, it's rap fans from the north who clearly cannot bear to hear that someone may be better than them.
Scenario = not that hot.
Tribe is a good group yes, great songs like electric relaxation, check the rhyme and others are absolute favorites.
But outkast doesn't have jams that stand up to those.
Real question, how many outkast albums have you truly listened to?
I've listened to every tribe album, kamal album, and outkast has "more" hits, even the dungeon family(moreso goodie mob) have absolute classics?
Playas Ball > Scenario(and that shit had like ten people on it)
03/16/2007 at 6:56 PM
7.
Jake says:
Yeah, UGK over the Beastie's is pretty ridiculous, because of the proverbial wackness and theur lack of influence over the Beaties. People from the south tend to think that critical opinions of their artists is hating, but if you are wack you're wack, and in UGK's case they are wacker than a motherfucker. You're right, people tend to have some sort of special olympics mentality about southern artists, injecting in "Best of" lists out of pity. People need to stop that shit.
As for Outkast over Tribe, more ridiculousness.. Let me just say that without Tribe their is no Outkast, and their first three albums complete sodomize Outkasts first three. You can "Southernplayalists"-"ATLiens" all you want, but I'll put "Peoples instinctive travels.." over any of them when it comes to classic matericl. Also, Outkast doesn't have a song that rivals "Scenario", "Can I kick it", "Bonita Applebum", "Check the Rhime", "Award Tour", "Electric Relaxionb" anywhere in their catalogue. Shit man, as I just ran down tribe songs I just relaized how incredibly ridiculous this aregument was, Outkas can't hold Tribe's musical jockstrap.
03/16/2007 at 5:25 PM
8.
sATaLyte says:
UGK above the Beastie Boys?
I don't think that's right either, but definitely not for the reasons you think so.
Shittin on UGK and calling them wack sounds a little regionally elitist. I wonder had you grown up in the south (VA is more of northern state anyway if it does tend to see saw a bit) would you feel the same way about them. Bun B is an extraordinary lyricist, and Pimp C while being unstable, has a rhyme style unique to himself and only him.
True, the Beastie Boys in terms of experimentation, delivery, and influence trump UGK(of course,!) but do not act as if the Beastie Boys don't have full album's full of wack shit.
Outkast over tribe, definitely. All day. Their first three albums, Southernplayalistic, ATLiens, and Aquemini were amazing! Each of those three albums sound completely different from each other with musical influences pulling from soul, funk, jazz, gospel and world influence.
ATCQ, you could say the same for them, but pit the first three albums from each against one another and see if Tribe doesn't get knocked down.
Shit, where is Tribe now anyway?
Your opinion is your opinion, but before you start slamming southern artists just because you don't like the music coming out of that region, don't shit on real hard-working, dope lyricists just because you grew up when New York pretty much had shit on lock.
03/16/2007 at 3:30 PM