The Nappy Diatribe

HUMANITYCRITIC ON HIS POLITICAL SOAPBOX ONCE AGAIN

Posted 03/23/2007 at 8:26 PM  |  2 comment/s

The last thing I want to do with this blog is reinforce any stereotype about black males that some misinformed asshat might have: I don't have mass amounts of chubby offspring running around with writing prowess that I don't support financially; 95% of the women who I've intimately known in that "biblical" sense have openly admitted that my genitalia breaks any myth about the black phallus; and I'm pretty certain that I haven't come within a two-mile radius of a watermelon since the summer of 1986. By the grace of god I don't have a criminal record, I refuse to throw or attend parties for acquaintances released from correctional facilities, and I only lust after white women who don't look like they've spent the better part of their childhood living next to a nuclear reactor. But it pains me to admit, as much I don't what to give racists, cross-burners, and fans of "Larry the Cable guy" any ammunition, I do have a penchant for violence that has followed me around just like that dust cloud follows Pig-Pen in those "Peanuts" cartoons.

I've never robbed old ladies or anything, or stuck up the patrons of a sperm-bank while nervously gripping a handgun while saying something witty like, "Come on, you knew you had it coming!!" I've just had a weird habit of chopping people in the throat that I didn't particularly agree with, preferably mid-sentence. I wish I could sound remorseful to the point that each syllable was dripping with regret, but I'd be lying, I believe that violence solves so many problems that I'm about to introduce the concept as a cancer treatment. But I am ashamed of the fact that I used to make a sort of hit-list consisting of people who I had let get away with saying some form of "slick shit" to me sometime in the past, individuals whose name was then systematically scratched off as soon as I tried to adjust their Adam's Apple in the most public of forums. Now I'm older, wiser, and I have a clearer sense of random violence possibly causing me to be washing some big dude's drawers, when I'm not walking beside him holding his pocket as a sign of ownership.

That being said, let me scratch some political foes off of my list, minus the throat-chops, pleading for mercy, and me going through their pockets on some "High school bully" shit..

John Kerry: Because I wanted to get Bush out of the picture like a homosexual that just came out of the closet, I had no qualms about throwing my support behind John Kerry. Sure, he wasn't the dream candidate that I had hoped for, his speeches were as exciting as an I.R.S audit, and it seemed that his campaign was as cautious as someone with OCD playing a game of Chess, but he was all that I had and I'd be damned if I voted for a third-party candidate who didn't have a snowball's chance in Lil Kim's crotch of winning. When he lost I was mad at the guy - he didn't respond to those "Swift-Boat" bottom-feeders quick enough, for some reason he refused to call Bush incompetent in the debates, and how are you going to let two guys (Bush and Cheney) paint you as a coward when they are the ones who refused to answer the call when their country was at war? Anyway, I don't particularly hate the guy, I feel that he is a bright man who is purely a better fabric of Human being than George W. Bush is. I just have to get my black ass off his mailing list that I signed up for three years ago. Receiving mass emails from the likes of John Kerry nowadays is as disturbing as getting an E-Card from the son of a bitch that gave you herpes - leave me alone, you're nothing but a reminder of the horrible state I'm currently in!

Black Conservatives: I know, being a lifelong Hip Hop fan and all, that anytime a person groups together something and criticizes it under a bubble, that person is a ventriloquist who has the special talent of talking out of their ass. Nothing is sillier than hearing a splotchy jackass like Bill O'Reilly generalize Hip Hop because of his lack of knowledge on the topic, doing si primarily because he knows there would be a backlash if he called black males N***ers as frequently as he liked. When I had my certain feelings towards black conservative, you know, that many of them are a self-loathing lot, performing the most graceful of soft-shoe tap-dance routines for people who wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire unless they can be a seat-filler at the next Republican Presidential Convention, I just figured that I was as dead wrong as Ken Lay. The black conservative will say that they are republicans because the democratic party takes them for granted, which I agree with wholeheartedly, but they always forget to explain how becoming a republican is a vaible alternative. Not only that, many of them spend a great deal of their time pointing out reverse racism where the white man is wronged, being the staunchest opponents for affirmative action, and even before the evidence came out they were the biggest cheerleaders for the Duke Lacrosse team. Jesus Christ man, there's a name for that.

"Values Voters": I don't want to harp back on my penchant for violence or anything, but there isn't one particular group of people that I wouldn't mind hitting with a pillowcase full of soda's more. I supposed these individuals are the ones that take things like a candidates stance on abortion, religion, and private life into account when expressing themselves politically at the ballot box. It just seems to me that the media takes too much time discussing these people - I mean, they claim to be anti-abortion but they couldn't give a slippery fuck about the life of that child after its birth. When will people understand that having "values" isn't what some chick decides to do with her own body? It's about better school systems, clean air for everyone to breathe, decent wages for our fellow man, the proper armor for our troops over seas. Those are the real values.

Rudy Giuliani: I don't even live in New York. I never witnessed the overzealous nature of the NYPD while Giuliani was in office. But I do remember the public distaste for the man on September 10, 2001. That's why I can't understand, for the life of me, why Giuliani is seen like some sort of heroic figure that singlehandedly rescued screaming women and children out of crumbling buildings during the biggest attack on US soil. Watching the love-fest the media has had with this guy for the past six years is like watching a prize fighter go down by a punch that everyone saw, but no matter how many times I rewind the fight footage I still end up screaming at the television set: "The punch didn't connect, the bum took a dive!!!!"

John McCain: Mr. "Straight Talk" himself has come across like an utterly floppy pair of tits over the past couple of years. For one thing I lost all kinds of respect for the guy after he cozied up to Bush, a guy whose campaign once implied that his adopted daughter from Bangladesh was in fact "an illegitimate interracial daughter with a black woman," and that his wife was a drug addict by the way. But I guess what is more vomit-inducing has been the way that he's sucked up to the religious right (a group he's criticized before), and that shameful episode when he slammed his friend (John Kerry) for a quote the he knew full well was a botched attempt at a joke.

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