JUST ME AND MY REMOTE
People think that I'm being self-deprecating when I wax poetic about me dying alone amongst a sea of cats, unable to find a soul mate because of my slap-provoking sarcasm and my need to masturbate in every room of my house. Granted, all that is true, on top of the fact that I hum the "Smurfs" theme-song while ejaculating and my habit of making silly remarks like "I just lost weight!!" and "That last turd favored the late Jack Palance" after defecating. But the one idiosyncrasy that will keep me from walking down the aisle with thoughts of a wedding-night sodomy session that my future wife will promise me is the way I handle a remote control. I wasn't aware of this until a rather geeky conquest recently taped me obsessively flipping channels with her camera phone. It was clear that even a woman with nunlike patience would be irritated to the point that chopping off my hands would seem like a viable option.
Well, if my television viewing habits condemn me to a life full of strippers and commitment-avoidance, I might as well be of some use to someone. Here is my take on some television programs I've checked out as of late.
"The Black Donnellys": I love gratuitous violence as much as the next guy. Random acts of aggression happen to be a running motif through my adult years, and nothing gets me more amped up than seeing some jackass get his proverbial ass handed to him (albeit on a fictitious program). But "The Black Donnellys" seems to be a show where the creators decide to write in a "beating" here, and a "shoot-out" there, because they are secretly suffering from some form of writer's block and ashamed to admit it. The show is desperately trying to come off as gritty and intense as "Goodfellas," with the finished product looking as tame and polished as an episode of "Thirtysomething". Besides, these are supposed to be a rag-tag of tough brothe's in New York, but the actors they chose to play those roles come off softer than baby shit, invoking child-like chuckles every time one of them flexes a mean-looking ice grill that they practiced in their apartments all week.
"30 Rock": I didn't think I'd like this show at first but it eventually won me over with the stellar performances and the smart writing, and I became a convert in no time flat. By the way, full disclosure here, I love Tina Fey so much that I'd proudly show her off at Nation of Islam meetings - yes, it's like that. Usually I would feel funny about them having Tracy Morgan's character be nuttier than squirrel shit, but I find myself too busy laughing to worry about black people perpetuating stereotypes.
"The Soul Train Music Awards": Here's a question: how are you going to have an award show for a program that no one has watched in 20 years? The other night I caught this debacle posing as an award show, the miserable acts that performed, the haphazard way the whole thing was put together, it would have made me ashamed to be an African-American if there wasn't that myth about black men's "packages" floating around.
"24": One of the criticisms that I disagree with concerning my liberal friends about the show "24" is on the topic of torture. Of course I know that torturing people has been found to produce lackluster results, primarily because the man getting his ass handed to him will say just about anything to get you to stop beating his ass. That being said, a slew of liberal journalists have blasted the show for the main character's (Jack Bauer) use of torture to get what he wants, claiming that the show is following some sort of Bush policy agenda. The problem with that, as anyone who has been a fan of the show knows, is that Jack Bauer has been torturing fools since that show started so you can't really cry now just because its currently en vogue to do so. Anyway, I'm tired of this show because it always follows the same fucking premise: Jack gets called to thwart some sort of national threat - CTU second-guesses many of his decisions- Jack tortures some suspect in an inhumane way- surprisingly there is a leak at CTU- the black president's staff tries to overthrow him or kill him- Jack is forced to kill someone that he doesn't want to, or he sees a loved one killed- Jack apprehends the suspect- season over
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Comments
1.
Simplenigma says:
I'm with you on the 30 Rock...I think I'd be proud to show Tina Fey off at NOI meetings. LMAO.
That, The Office, Scrubs & House are the funniest shows on TV.
I used to watch 24 back in the day before it became this cult hit. I stopped after the 2nd season...I like my TV shows like I like my men: a well-kept secret enjoyed by few. LOL.
03/29/2007 at 2:41 AM