The Nappy Diatribe

ALEC BALDWIN CONVINCED ME THAT I SHOULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN

Posted 04/24/2007 at 8:25 PM  |  3 comment/s

As much as my dear mother wants her baby boy to go out there, find some woman with a strong enough constitution to let me clumsily thrust on top of her with reckless abandon, and spread my demon-seed in hopes of possibly producing an offspring with dreadlocks and a writing prowess - I never quite thought that I was father material. For one thing, I have absolutely no patience - so little in fact that if I ever decided to write a children's book I'm pretty sure that my very first offering would be entitled, "If you don't sit your ass down!!" As much as women with low self-esteem and loose morals might find me beating some random asshole at a watering hole as "sexy" - its not the sort of thing that I particularly want to pass down to my children. I just know that a common motif when it comes to giving my kids advice on anything would be a version of this: "Just walk right up to him, chop that motherfucker in the throat, and when he's on the ground, kick that son on a bitch until a sudsy foam develops from his mouth." But then again, I've seen children drastically change people for the better, turn stone-cold killers into lovable sit-com dads, transform a walking debt to society into a fine upstanding citizen. At the end of the day I now realize that my 33-year idiosyncratic routine has nothing to do with my lack of procreating.

Last week, after Alec Baldwin was rightfully raked over the coals for calling his 11-year-old daughter "a rude, thoughtless little pig" in a leaked voice-mail message - I began to understand why I never had any desire to put my extremely unimpressive phallus to use and procreate. Granted, what Mr. Baldwin said was wrong; being on the business end of one too many "you ain't ever going to be shit" predictions myself makes the most famous voice-mail this year even that much more indefensible. Then again, based on said verbal abuse, I kind of wished that my old man would have referred to me as "a rude, thoughtless little pig" - it would have seemed as pleasant as a rubdown in a Shiatsu based on all the colorful pieces of exotic animal feces he referred to me as.

But I have to tell you - and maybe this is the hack writer inside of me that wants to add an intriguing backstory under the surface - but I get the sneaking suspicion that what Alec Baldwin is going through is basically what kept me from having a camcorder in the delivering room and posting said flicks on my blog. I'm not concerned that I will pass my knowledge of throat-chopping and emergency tracheotomies to my sweet children; I'm aware of the life-long effects that verbal abuse has on ones' self-esteem; and I'm not destined to repeat history. I'd even be willing to openly lie about my drug use until my kid's wedding when I'd probably say something like, "Remember all those years that I claimed I never touched weed? I was lying like a motherfucker!" Basically, because I have a sort of asshole demeanor that doesn't exactly translate well to long term relationships, I never wanted kids because I never wanted the "baby mama drama" attached to it.

Sure, there are people out there who can act civil towards each other after an extremely painful break up, ignoring all of the other persons peccadillos for the better good of the child that they both created - but I'm not talking about them. Not for nothing, but I don't particularly know how I'd respond to my ex's new husband that suggested that my child call him "dad" and me by my government name - despite my regular involvement with the child, both monetarily and timewise. As much as I might have wanted to shake the weave off of her at one time, I'd wonder if the judge believed my ex's testimony stating that I used to strike her - treating her chin like a "speed bag" as she so succinctly put it. You never want to take anything out on your child, but I'm sure it would take every fiber of my being not to express my frustration with a plethora of expletives - noticing how much more combative and distant my child becomes with each visit, no telling what kind of funnel my ex is using when she pours nothing but bile about me in my kid's adolescent ears. Even though I'm well aware that the brain-washing process has completed, I'm wondering how I'd hold it together even though my kid avoids my scheduled phone calls - sometimes not even being available to see me, even though I just came from the opposite coast to be with them for a few fleeting moments.

Again, I don't know if Alec went through any of that, and that doesn't excuse what he called her - just understand that with each passionate act comes a very intricate backstory. That being said, Alec is a better father than I'd be. I can't exactly see myself calling her "a rude, thoughtless little pig." Actually much worse - after years of manipulation from what seems to be an evil ex wife, I can actually see myself saying, "Fuck it kid, I'll come back around when you're 18. In the meantime, I'm going to knock someone up and give this fatherhood thing a second chance."

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