LET ME TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY THANK DON IMUS
For a chubby guy, my swagger is surprisingly phenomenal this year. I've been walking through nightclubs with the confidence of Superman getting shot at, casually looking at women as if they were side-order options on a dinner menu, nodding my head in an irritating fashion and saying "I know honey" whenever a nice women tells me how handsome I am. I've even been whispering nerd phrases in women's ears as pick-up lines, like, "Baby, my blog is the one that lesser bloggers masturbate to!!" Utterly ignoring the fact that I'm one buffet away from never seeing my unimpressive penis again.
Despite my newfound confidence, a couple of months ago I had to be honest with myself and openly admit to anyone who would listen that I was dating a woman out of my league. Carmen was her name. She was so intelligent that my rants had to be pre-planned so she wouldn't call me on my bullshit. Her eyes were so captivating to look at that she never noticed me daydreaming whenever she waxed poetic about some horrible Tyler Perry play. Her skin was filled with so much chocolaty goodness that whenever I was around her, I got the taste for non-nutritious children's cereal. Her only flaw - one that I at first thought was as adorable as babies being pictured with puppies - was her extreme issue with abandonment.
The very first conversation we had was about her father packing his shit when she was eight and him starting a new family elsewhere, and the fact that her mother was a raging alcoholic who would only spent brief periods of time in the house solely to nurse her hangovers. But I never expected her past to affect our short-lived relationship in the intense fashion in which it did. It didn't matter if I arrived at her house hours after I said I would, or just a few minutes late - whenever she'd open up her door for me she would always hug me as if I was a husband returning from an drawn-out war. She'd only let go momentarily to cup my face with her soft hands, look in my eyes and say, "Where in the fuck were you?" ever so softly. Even though there was never any sort of anger or vitriol in the way she asked that particular question, it admittedly started to freak me out like a canker sore on the lips of a new lover. Simple errands, like buying milk, became quite the stress-worthy endeavor - me running red lights, screaming "Move that sweet ass grandma!!" at old pedestrians, and speeding down residential blocks just so I could go a complete day without her asking me the question that began to gnaw at my very existence. But wouldn't you know it, no matter how prompt my arrival time became, she would always greet me warmly while asking "Where in the fuck were you?" like she had done the previous 100 times. Of course, I promptly broke up with her. I'm not clairvoyant, but I foresaw crotch-smelling "I know you are cheating on me" sessions and boiled rabbits in my near future. But I thought about that two-month affair as soon as this Imus controversy erupted.
See personally, I want to thank Mr. Imus. No, not because he proved my old man's theory that a cowboy hat is a politically correct clan hood. Not because the future of a fundamentally bad morning show is in peril. Not even because he provoked some of those wonderful Rutgers ladies to say something so chuckle-worthy as, "Our moment was taken away." (I'm on your side and all, but y'all fucking lost.) I sincerely want to thank Imus, because if he hadn't let that racist bile ooze out of the side of his mouth last week, black folks everywhere wouldn't be subject to the blatant examples of the nonexistent "Black leadership" in this country.
People were outraged - rightfully so - four years ago, when Rush Limbaugh made those very disparaging comments about Donovan McNabb during ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown. But where was the outrage in the preceding years when he told a black caller, "Take that bone out of your nose and call me back"? Where were the picket signs when he said, "Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?" Or how he played "Movin' On Up" whenever he mentioned Carol Moseley Brown's name - why weren't the Al Sharptons of the world saying anything then, about a dude who is currently on cable more than hotel porn? Imus has a similar history of racism as well - him walking up to a black receptionist and calling her a "nigger" directly in her face, calling sports columnist Bill Rhoden a "New York Times quota hire," and referring to PBS's Gwen Ifill as the "cleaning lady." I agree that his "nappy-headed hoes" comment was deplorable. but I have to repeat the words of Carmen and ask, "Where in the fuck were you??" to our "by-default" black leadership that currently look like disingenuous opportunists. I've never felt more abandoned.
I love seeing some racist schmuck doing that all-too familiar public relations tap dance, telling anyone who'll listen that they are sorry for their actions, possibly blaming their rampant racism on alcoholism or lack of sleep. But nothing makes me vomit inside my own mouth more than said celebrity acting like talking to Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson is akin to cleansing their hateful souls in the confines of a church confessional. These two men are nothing but corrupt charlatans - men who profit from swarming around racism so much that ambulance-chasing lawyers collectively shake their heads in disapproval. Glorified Jesus Pimps, I call them - unfairly respected individuals who would be draining the pockets of hardworking people dry with some sort of "God hustle" in a church somewhere if they weren't picketing causes as universally lame as this one. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson address serious issues sometimes, but they never exhibit the same fervor and intensity that they display whenever a white guy gives us documented evidence that he's a racist - each one of their appearances on cable news channels always seems like the epitome of self promotion. At least Paris Hilton's intentions are pure when she flashes her freshly shaved crotch at the paparazzi while exiting a car.
I suddenly empathize with Carmen's abandonment issues. I never had a parent leave me, mind you, but I definitely feel left behind and forgotten in terms of the men who claimed that they were carrying on the heroic traditions of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. When it comes to making your voice the loudest on the issues that matter the most, the education system, the rate of AIDS in the black community, this illegal war, I have to ask, "Where in the fuck were you?" Sure Imus should be fired, but we gotta fire Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for not addressing his racism that has been public record for the past 20 fucking years - you know, back when Jesse was calling New York City "Hymie-town" and when Al looked like a pimp in an ill-fitting sweatsuit, inciting riots and shit.
MSNBC can do better: get rid of that career racist as soon as possible. We all can do better: we have to take it upon ourselves to be leaders and not depend on these incompetent used car salesmen. I personally can do better: I abandoned Carmen before I found out that her, "Where in the fuck were you?" shtick was just her way of romantically asking me "Where have you been all my life?"
Shit.
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Comments
1.
Amadeo says:
How about this, instead of blaming some ignorant rappers that use those terms all the time. Why don't we pull support from their sponsorship. There are alot of emcees out here that don't rely on any of that garbage...do we boycott their labels? No. For real, for real if music is to blame than how come more people don't bite the heads off of bats..."Ironman" is still a popular song. I rock that joint alot and I've never bitten an animal in anyway.
04/17/2007 at 8:55 PM
2.
katchin says:
I appreciate your article... you made a lot of good points... but I have to know why is EVERYBODY skipping over the "jigaboos" comment!? Yeah, it was a lame ass attempt for a Spike Lee reference - he named the wrong movie- be he still called these women "jigaboos"!!!! Hello?
04/17/2007 at 5:40 PM
3.
Willy Bobo says:
The next motherfucking moron to step up and claim that white men oppressing black women are doing it because of rap music, black men, or video games is getting the fire slapped outta their ass. Let's just get this shit covered right now, at no point in the history of black people in America have white men needed lessons in misogyny, sexism, or oppression, okay? Black women that were taken as slaves with their children? Had to see those babies thrown overboard unless they were old enough to be sold separately. Then they lost their children at auction either right off the boat, or when the slave owners needed money. They were raped on the way over, they were raped after they got here (what you thought the quadroons and octaroons got that way because of love?) and there are still plenty of folks in America that can trace the black side of their family back to a slave owning ancestor. Let's not forget the breeding programs after the British outlawed taking slaves from Africa. Lynching? Didn't just happen to black men. And let's not forget that white women were also prime targets of oppression. All those laws essentially reducing them to chattel? Yeah, those sure were influenced by black men. And no, I'm not saying that black men aren't capable of misogyny, sexism or being oppressive, but can we please stop claiming that they're at fault for the actions of grown ass white men? Because one more "Well they say nigger why can't I?" argument and I think my fucking head will explode.
04/17/2007 at 2:47 PM
4.
Jen1980 says:
You are the only reason why anyone should ever go to vibe, this post is evidence of that. Man you really nailed it.
04/13/2007 at 10:40 PM
5.
Jake says:
This is by far the best post on the topic on all the internet.(I see other people on Vibe.com attempted to tackle the same topic, but you murdered em') Great post!
04/13/2007 at 10:38 PM
6.
Simplenigma says:
"their hair is visibly well-maintained and permed, pulled-back in a lovely pony-tail or waving gently above their shoulders,"
LMAO...*sigh*
As a woman, I take exception to the "hoes" comment...As black person, I could care less about the nappyheaded comment. What's wrong with being nappy headed? If nappy headed means uncombed hair, then having locks makes me...yup, you guessed it, nappy headed.
If there's a negative historical context behind being nappyheaded, then I'd like someone to explain it to me, but far as I know, black people have been calling themselves nappy headed for years...um, isn't HC's blog called the Nappy Diatribe??
Way I see it, if you're gonna be offended when a white dude uses it, you should be offended when a black dude uses it as well.
04/13/2007 at 7:00 PM
7.
Brother Omi says:
I agree. Jesse Jackson and Rev Al are charlatans. they are race baiters who make promises but don't deliver. Rev Al is an admitted agent with a wire who did wear a pimp suit. Snoop dogg is the same cat who said that he would be upset if a pimp woo'ed his daughter.
actually the brothers on the streets should be kicking IMus' ass.
but i feel you, Rush Limbaugh be coming out of his mouth all the time with subliminal disses.
someone needs to put the fire to his ass.
04/13/2007 at 3:23 AM
8.
thoreauly77 says:
while it is neither here nor there whether or not any of these ladies are indeed hoes, their hair is visibly well-maintained and permed, pulled-back in a lovely pony-tail or waving gently above their shoulders, as gently swaying as the heather fields of county cork, fresh heather soft multiplicity. i personally am shocked that a man of imus' stature and unparalleled fashion sense could not distinguish between nappy, permed, or weaved. for shame imus, for shame. for this, truly, don imus should be fired.
on another note: where are ANY of the american leaders? seems to me that they all have their heads so far up their asses that they could lick the back of their own eyeballs.
04/13/2007 at 12:59 AM
9.
Simplenigma says:
Very well written, as always...
Just a couple of points:
1) Imus is almost 60 years old; around the same age as my parents. I've only heard black people use the term "nappyheaded" (please correct me if I'm wrong) and hoes is straight from pop culture, so where d'you suppose this white old man got this term from? (BTW, this is all part of the age old we-can-say-it-but-they-can't debate...)
2) I was having this discussion with someone yesterday (black person) who suggested that he shouldn't be fired because "this is America where there's freedom of speech". But where is the line? The constitution says you can't say statements that would incite violence like shouting "fire" in a movie theater or threatening political leaders, but couldn't this statement be inciteful as well? Funny, you can go to jail for yelling "fire", but you can walk the streets free for saying things that could incite a whole population...
God Bless America. LMAO.
04/12/2007 at 6:46 PM
10.
Monalisa says:
"Sure Imus should be fired, but we gotta fire Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for not addressing his racism that has been public record for the past 20 fucking years - you know, back when Jesse was calling New York City "Hymie-town" and when Al looked like a pimp in an ill-fitting sweatsuit, inciting riots and shit."
THANK YOU.
Check out the items below - Snoop spoke out about the issue, but he said the same thing on a song he did with Xzibit a few years ago.
SNOOP TALKS IMUS:
Snoop Dogg is the first of many rappers to fire back at critics who are supporting nutjob radio host Don Imus' racist words against the Rutgers women's basketball team by saying rappers use similar language in their lyrics all the time. In an interview, the Cali rapper said: "Kick him off the air forever, ban him like they did 'Pacman' Jones. They kicked him out the League for the whole season, but this punk gets to get on the air and call black women 'nappy-headed hos'."
*************************************************
Xzibit feat. Snoop Dogg: D.N.A (Drugs-N-Alkahol)
[Snoop Dogg]
Doggy Dogg is bout to blow up
All.. these Snoop Dogg haters need to slow up, sho' nuff
Know what? X, the game is gettin sewn up
but I'm speedin 'em up and leavin 'em
I'm buckin 'em til they bleedin bruh
Hold up, FUCK THAT, you tryin to get swoll up
by the mic controller, clip reloader
Frozen exposure, condos of a composer
Sick like a bowl-of, a bowl of deez nuts
Fuck him up, cross him out, then toss him out
With the stamp on his head, nigga Dogghouse
Nigga I'm universal crackin Down South (ya heard?)
Poppin my collar with my dick in your girl's mouth, ha ha
You act like you a dude you get smashed on
Full out my bitches with your fucked up attitude
Nappy-head hoes, worse than bitch niggaz
I treat 'em all the same, bitch check yo' game!
04/12/2007 at 5:16 AM
11.
DJ Black Adam says:
I feel you, the media more than Black people have selected Rev. Jesse and Rev. Al. We need to have the young brothers step up
04/11/2007 at 11:22 PM
12.
qdhsr says:
it puzzles me that it takes people like imus,and michael richards to force my people to realize that we have possibly did it to ourselves. They or dead wrong for reffering to women/the black race in any derogatory way...but what greater form of media is there than listening to our rappers/hip hop artist and comedians use the derogatory words against our own people in their music. How can i correct anyone from calling us niggers or referring to women as bitches or hoes when they are repeating what a black entertainer that they paid their money to listen to said it. My point is i have every Jay-Z CD and am a loyal fan and will continue...not saying that this J's fight alone but its time that our entertainers take a stand and use their influence and power to turn this thing around. I don't think Steve Harvey is funny at all, but i support him and admire him for saying he will not use the N word in any of his stand-ups. I challenge all entertainers to do the same...because these Rutgers young ladies deserve better as well as our daughters, mothers, sisters and the black race...
04/11/2007 at 11:21 PM