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The Nappy Diatribe

One man's throat-chopping reportage.

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MAN, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE HIP-HOP SKIT?

Posted 04/07/2007 at 4:10 PM | 2 comment/s

As far back as I can remember - for all I know it has something to do with my mother's recent admission that she drank cheap wine while pregnant with me - I've always found joy in inserting my own brand of humor at the most inopportune moments imaginable. At my fourth birthday party, after the kids my mother had invited sang a spirited rendition of "Happy Birthday" to me, I was so focused on having all that beautiful cake to myself that I started vigorously licking the delicious pastry as if I was being timed - obviously my mother was horrified. My father's favorite pastime, outside of auto repair and discussing vagina as if he was at a gynecologist convention, was vocally telling anyone who would listen that his baby boy would would never amount to anything. Sure I protested, stuck up for myself, but nothing was more offensive to me than that time one of his friends verbally echoed his sentiments while standing alongside him - my father was one thing, but a stranger predicting my bleak future was another. So a few weeks later, when I saw that same gentleman in a local Italian restaurant with his lovely wife, I proceeded to savagely beat his ass - only taking brief breaks in my psychotic laughter to occasionally scream at his wife, "Keep screaming and he'll get it worse goddammit!!!" Then we have a funeral that my mother forced me to attend, this lifelong asshole who happened to be the son of one of her old co-workers, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was stand in 100 degree heat at the gravesite of a dude who hated my guts anyways. Delay after delay, as my suit got heavier from the sweat, and as I kept trying to inconspicuously detach my testicles from the side of my leg, I finally lost it and said: "Will someone hurry up and bury this bastard already, how hard is it to say a few words and throw some dirt on this motherfucker? Jesus!!"

What's missing in Hip Hop nowadays, besides an integrity when it comes to lyricism and a pure love for the genre by many of its participants, is how frequently skits are an integral part of an artists' albums. Sure, they are still used, but they are nowhere near as creative as they once were. Outside of stellar production that gives you self inflicted whiplash, and lyrics that make you want to enter your local freestyle competition, I long for the days where the skits were as memorable as the songs were. I also wouldn't mind being able to laugh at Hip Hop when I'm supposed to, unlike a Lil Wayne CD where I tend to laugh at all the parts I'm not supposed to. (wack ass motherfucker)

A Tribe Called Quest - "Midnight Marauders Tour Guide" (Midnight Marauders):
Of course I didn't pick this particular clip for its humor, but the automated voice that basically narrated A Tribe Called Quest's third album will stick in the subconscious of Hip Hop fans forever. From the average beat per minutes the album is, a fact about AIDS in the black community, even a breakdown of the album title, take her voice out of the equation and it would seem like a completely different album. If scientists ever get on the ball and construct a robot-like replica of human women, equipped with massive boobs and a penchant for servitude and baking, I'm going to get me one and make sure that she has this same voice.

Ice Cube - "Robin Lench" (Death Certificate):
Despite the debacle that is The West Side Connection and Cube's recent love for recreating Disney movies, O'Shea Jackson will still be one of my favorite rappers based on his work from N.W.A and his first two solo releases alone. Just the idea of a Robin Leach-type of character strolling through the hood, giving a glowing commentary of his surroundings as if he was in Beverly Hills makes me chuckle every time. Only on an Ice Cube record does losing your lady in a dice game seem like a good thing. 40oz dreams and watermelon wishes!!

De La Soul - "Intro Skit" (De La Soul is Dead):
De La Soul is Dead isn't my favorite album of all time, but it's the one that I know by heart, primarily because of the fact that the CD is stuck in a CD player in my shower that I play whenever I scrape the ship barnacle off of my ass. I've always felt that these men from Long Island are the kings of the "skit" so to speak, letting their listeners know how comically quirky they were as soon as 3 Feet High and Rising penetrated their feeble eardrums. From the character of Jeff being called an "Arsenio Hall gum-having punk" and his friends screaming "Ewww, you gonna let him call you that?" in unison, to Hemorrhoid's henchmen being named "Dick-snot" and "Butt-crust", I'm still laughing 16 years later.

Biggie - "!*@ Me (Interlude)" (Ready to Die):
Maybe this one strikes me as hilarious because I'm a chubby guy, and whenever I've had the opportunity to penetrate a skinny girl's vaginal defenses, I always felt that I would break her in half - even telling her beforehand "Why don't you call your mother and inform her that a dude who doesn't miss meals is about to fuck you, this way if you perish under the intense pressure I won't have the cops following me around from Burger stand to Burger stand." But this clip is funny because of all the times a chick has tried to inject some of her own humor mid-coitus, saying shit like "Oh baby, pretend that this ass is an all you can eat buffet - and you have nothing but time!!" and "Just pretend that this is a pie eating contest, you fat fuck!!"

N.W.A - "1-900-2-Compton" (efilzagguN):
For the longest time I criticized efilzagguN, not because it was a bad album or anything, but by this point Cube was gone and I had felt that they had become a caricature of themselves in record time. But after hearing the album again, it's pretty good, I must admit, and Dre's production had improved leaps and bounds since their previous release. This clip is indicative of a million and one jail conversations that I've heard secondhand - some fool calling a girl who wouldn't piss on him if he was set ablaze, him acting as if she's still on the line after she hangs up on his dumb ass - for the other inmates' benefit, no less.