HumanityCritic: Resuscitating Hip Hop, one old school slang term at a time.
My closest friends - the ones who witness my elitist Hip Hop rants up close and personal where I talk about the year 1989 as if it was the year Christ was born and have watched me burn papier-mache versions of Lil Wayne and Cam'ron in effigy while dancing around the flames with a copy of Paid in Full sandwiched in my tight embrace - openly refer to me as "The Hip Hop Uncle Rico," based on the famous Napoleon Dynamite character. For the two or so people out there without indoor plumbing who haven't seen the movie, Uncle Rico is Napoleon Dynamite's uncle who seems to be literally stuck in the early '80s - exhibiting a flare for style that screams "video killed the radio star" and constant ramblings about his High School football career that he can't stop referring to every fourth conversation. As unsympathetic as that character is, I'm the Hip Hop version - I constantly find myself looking off into space as I recall my emcee-ing days when telling people that what you rhymed actually meant something, occasionally questioning peoples' intelligence quotient by asking if their parents were siblings whenever they tell me that they are a fan of someone I find vomit-inducing. The icing on the cake was last year, when I went with a friend to one of those radio-sponsored concerts where a million-and-one acts play (it was free) - when we were backstage (she's a reporter) and an act that I loathe extended his hand to me, I crossed my arms, shook my head in disapproval, and turned my back on that miserable bastard on some truly Miles Davis shit.
Yes, I'm a dickhead - but embrace your inner asshole, I always say. Hip Hop needs a dose of tough love from people who adore the art form so we can bring it back to the level of prominence and artistry that it was once at. If you are at a wedding, bar mitzvah, whatever - if the DJ's choice of songs leave you nauseous and feeling as if that particular gentleman had stolen an MTV executive's CD collection, just walk over to him, punch him in the throat, snatch his driver's license from his wallet and say, "I know where you live motherfucker, keep playing wack shit if you want to!!" - it's worked for me so far. If you just feel that your lover's genitalia just isn't worth the countless hours you've been subjected to "Uncle Tom's Cabin" Hip Hop as I call it, just casually throw their CDs out of your automobile as if you were being measured for distance in an Olympic event - don't worry, it's my experience that after a few weeks they'll be fucking you again, I promise. Since these tough times require extreme measures, if your loved one decides to attend a concert of a Rapper that you feel is singlehandedly setting the black race back with each deplorable song - mercilessly break up with them for a week out of protest, only agreeing to take her back if she positively responds to you pointing at the shower and screaming, "Go wash that Yung Joc stink off of you first!!" Lastly, to bring the art form back out of its stooper, making people long for the days of phat laces and coherent lyrics - do what I do: inject a healthy dose of old school terminology into your everyday conversation.
Here is a little guide of old Hip Hop terminology to get you started. With your help, we can turn this clusterfuck that is the state of Hip Hop around in no time. Come on, if you can give a quarter a day to Sally Struthers to pad her fucking meal allowance - you can surely help me with this.
Lamping (verb): see Chilling. 1.Relaxing 2. A person thoroughly enjoying their free time. Sentence: "Come on girl, I have two 40-ozs and those broccoli-flavored condoms your vegan ass loves so much - we'll be stone cold lamping, I promise!"
Eye-Jammy (verb) see Chin-check. 1.The act of punching someone in the eye, hard. 2. The aftermath of a physical altercation in swollen eye form. Sentence: "I don't give a shit if you are 65 or not, you will get a severe eye-Jammy if you don't come up with my 20 bucks!!"
Skeezer (adjective) see Chicken-head. 1. A woman of loose morals 2. A lady whose vaginal region is nicknamed "the hen-house" based on all the cocks that have been inside. Sentence: "The whole ban on derogatory words is just stupid - rappers will just start calling women Skeezers again!!"
Stunt ( adjective) see Booty-Call. 1.Practice Vagina. 2. A woman whose services are needed at 3 AM, when Asian midget porn just doesn't cut it. Sentence: "I knew I should have never messed with that stunt. Not only is my disease incurable - but the doctors are talking about naming it after me!"
Toolie (noun) see Gat. 1. handgun 2. firearm Sentence: "You would have soiled your undergarments as well if some hoodlum had a toolie at your head - at least I'm honest about it!"
Young (adjective) 1. An extremely tight article of clothing that seems unintentional 2. A person who shops at the children's department because of the prices. Sentence: "Yeah that shirt you have on is young, am I really supposed to see the imprint of you liver?"
Clocking (verb) 1. Staring at someone for an extremely long period of time. 2. Being a street pharmaceutical entrepreneur. 3. Holding mass amounts of cash. Sentence: "Stop clocking that kid on the corner clocking, look at all the money he's clocking!!"
"Stupid" (adv.) 1. Extremely 2. To a higher degree. Sentence: "I made love to my girl after being away for 2 months, and that shit is stupid loose - I'm certain she can now rent it out as low income housing!!"
Bozack (noun) see Jimmy 1. Penis 2. Male Genitalia. Sentence: "I get the sneaking suspicion that a woman pointing at my Bozack and giggling like a school girl isn't exactly complimentary."
Break North (verb) 1.To promptly leave the premises. 2.Physically getting yourself out of a bad situation. Sentence: "I'm about to break north because Sheila's husband is coming by. Yeah I'm fucking his wife - but me sticking my fingers in his face and asking "Does this sound familiar" sent him over the edge!!"
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Comments
1.
Sister Toldja says:
I use most of these on the regular. Can I submit 'kickin' it strong', 'word life', 'word is bond' and 'crazy' (as a synonymn for 'tremendously') to the list?
06/05/2007 at 8:01 AM
2.
commishch says:
I like to use some of these in the office sometimes. It throws everyone way off. "Hey, Jenkins, I was going over these commission reports and Smith is really clocking right now. His back log is just stupid."
05/08/2007 at 9:08 PM
3.
Nikki says:
I ran across an old mixtape from my college days that had Cold Lampin' With Flavor on it. Ahhhhhhh, those were the days.
05/08/2007 at 7:10 PM
4.
say_yeah says:
I was just thinking about the 'lampin' the other day, I must've been listening to my EPMD album.I thought the only good part of that movie 'brown sugar' was the opening credits, interviewing all of those hip hop heads about when they fell in love with hip-hop. They should've done closing credits asking when they got love sick because of hip-hop.
05/08/2007 at 4:28 PM