Humanity Critic

The Nappy Diatribe

One man's throat-chopping reportage.

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Hip Hop Drinking Games

Posted 06/05/2007 at 7:06 PM | 5 comment/s

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right." -Mitch Hedberg

A few years ago when my father died, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and when a woman whom I thought would one day be Mrs. HumanityCritic left me for what turned out to be a literal bum all at the same time - I dove face-first into an abyss of alcoholism that would have made Nick Cage's character in Leaving Las Vegas sit me down for a heartfelt intervention. That whole time period is one gigantic blur of bar-fights, public puking, sleeping on park benches even though I had a residence, and throwing back enough shots of Jagermeister to put down an entire stable of horses. Nowadays I'd say that I'm the proverbial poster-boy for germaphobia - I can't tell you how much of a mood killer it is every time I ask a woman 30 health questions prior to foreplay - but back then, the multitude of occasions that I woke up not knowing where I was or how I got there, beside some strange piece of ass that I'd usually want to slip on some latex gloves before giving the time of day to, was an everyday occurrance. The used condoms that littered the ground around the miscellaneous woman's bed might as well have been spent bullet cartridges, letting my hungover brain know that some very bad things happened the night before. Even now, recalling that time that I played Russian Roulette with my cock on this blog makes a brother want to jump under a scolding hot shower while aggressively scrubbing my penis with an S.O.S pad. Going through that very dark period of my life is what has strengthened my belief in a higher power, to be totally honest with you, because the fact that I came out of the self-destruction with a healthy liver and without some strange disease as if I had sodomized that "Outbreak" monkey - it kind of makes that whole "water to wine" routine seem like amateur hour.

This is the part of the piece where I'm is supposed to tell you how I've made a complete 180 in my life, waxing poetic about how I'm so thankful to be alive after such an ordeal that I currently view things like blades of grass or a simple sunset with a whole new fascination - characterizing the drooling alcoholic of the past as an "entirely different person." Sorry, you came to the wrong place if you wanted an "afterschool special" kind of ending - because truthfully, there's nothing I enjoy more than getting my drink on. (Actually, I once had a deaf lover, that was kind of nice. Nothing beats post-coital silence, I'll tell ya.) Granted, I no longer feel the need to throw up before finally falling asleep. I'm happy to report that I haven't woken up with some asshole's tooth lodged in my fist from some fight that I couldn't remember - and apparently my drunken "Girl, I want to fuck you on the bathroom floor of a rest-stop!" pick-up lines guarantee that I won't be waking up in any new locales. So yes, I've slowed down considerably, but not to the point that I'll stop going to country and western bars on the weekends - angering everyone in attendance as I freestyle over Toby Keith instrumental tracks while grabbing my crotch in the illest of B-Boy stances.

But my favorite activity on the weekends is playing some Hip Hop-themed drinking game with my friends and a few ladies with criminally low self-esteem who happen to find wordy pre-ejaculators sexy. Beware: you should only participate if you want to be on the fast track to wearing your underwear on your head while trying to convince everyone within earshot that you invented the semi-colon.

Try these Drinking Games:

* I'm not really a fan of The Game, but nothing puts you on the business end of a blackout faster than taking a drink every time he mentions Dr. Dre's name during any of his songs.

* Take a drink every time Lil Wayne spits the most elementary lyric while exhibiting the same swagger that Big Daddy Kane had circa '89. Matter of fact, take another drink when you realize that said swagger isn't even his, its Gillie the Kid's.

* Take a drink every time M.O.P mentions any sort of gunplay, a particular brand of firearm, or their penchant for making some poor bastard take an extremely long dirt-nap. Fuck it, just stick a Vodka I.V. in your arm while listening to any one of their albums.

*Take a drink after every time you fast forward a Wyclef or Pras verse just to hear Lauryn while playing "The Score."

*While listening to Common's Electric Circus, take a drink every time you think about the mystical powers of Erykah Badu's vagina - something has to explain such a clusterfuck of an album.

*Take a drink every time the word "bitch" is uttered on N.W.A's Straight Outta Compton. Yes, this particular game is only for depressed binge drinkers.

* I think Canibus is a dope lyricist, but while playing any of his songs - take a drink every time your realize that the man only has ONE style.

* If one of your friends happens to have a Three 6 Mafia CD, play it, and take a drink every time images of minstrel shows and blackface appear in your head.

* While listening to UGK, take the entire bottle that you are holding, put it to your lips, and proceed to finish off the entire bottle. I mean, those cocksuckers over at MTV belligerently put them on their "Top Ten Hip Hop groups" list, maybe alcohol can make you forget about such blatant acts of incompetence.

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