The Nappy Diatribe

Man, I Love Me A Quirky Black Girl: Janelle Monae

Posted 06/26/2007 at 10:26 PM  |  18 comment/s

Until the day that my soul leaves this earth, a couple of criminally underpaid grave diggers throw dirt on my brand new shiny casket, and a disgruntled ex-lover finds it appropriate to sing a rendition of Aretha Franklin's "I Never Loved a Man" as my "sending off" music (with the first line being "You're a no good heart breaker, You're a liar and you're a cheat) - I will always cherish the ground that black women walk on. I know that I can come across as a woman-hater sometimes, and I completely understand the criticism. But that's just a result of women historically taking a healthy shit on my emotions. I'm sure when that brand of bitterness is exorcised and I can successfully channel my sexual perversions into something less vomit inducing, I'm confident that I'll be just fine. Not for nothing, I know I'll ruin my chance of ever getting any Internet ass off of this next line - but if my penis displayed the various hues of women that I'd ever been with, it would resemble that "Terror Alert Level" Chart, to be completely honest with you. I've never dated a white girl, but I don't know how many times I've told you good people about my love for Ms. Janeane Garofalo - I'd take her to Nation of Islam meetings, a black power rally, even a Jill Scott concert, just to publicly express my undying love for the cynical actress/comedian. But at the end of the day, my choice is the black woman, not because of some sort of blind loyalty akin to the 28% of inbred Americans who still support our "Barney Fife" of a president - its simply because that's what a brother prefers. Their essence, the curvature of their bodies, someone to twist my locks - and a loving support system that would completely understand where I came from when I tell her about how some punk cop harassed me. But the thing is, the same sort of love just hasn't been reciprocated over the years.

I mean, if I didn't have such a penchant for scanning the myspace landscape for Internet ass at every given opportunity - I would have never known that there were so many beautiful black women on this great planet of ours quirkier than me. Maybe the sisters in my area are just wack, because telling women that I'm a "Kevin Smith fan who loves skateboarding, System Of a Down, and the British version of "The Office" doesn't exactly get me intimately acquainted with her bed linens or her "come fuck me" panties. Of course, adding insult to injury, the slew of black folks who tend to think that colloquialism equates to one's blackness, and the fact that I happen to loathe anything that Tyler Perry puts his John Hancock on - somehow that mixture is so deadly to some chicks that it's a proverbial Molotov cocktail of "Trying to act white." Because of this I find myself, sometimes, looking at the heavens with a black Africa medallion in one hand and a Christian Hosoi skate-deck in the other, screaming "When will there ever be a black chick that totally gets me, lord??!!!"

If god ever listened to my incoherent pleas, and somehow was forgiving enough to ignore all the other libraries worth of indiscretions in my sordid past - I get the sneaking suspicion that he would send me down Janelle Monae to silence my heaven-bound requests. Even though I first became aware of Ms. Monae by her contributions on the "Idlewild" soundtrack and the Purple Ribbon All-Stars album (Got Purp? Vol 2), respectfully, I never particularly knew that her "freak flag" flew so high until I checked her out on myspace. Describing her is tricky, and comparing her to some male trailblazer that preceded her is just plain insulting - but with her sonically refreshing songs inspired by sci-fi films and whatever else is swimming around in that quirky mind of hers, I'm suddenly proud of my comic book collection and my penchant for kick-flip ollies. A woman who has made it crystal clear that she will never compromise her values, or sell sex in any form or fashion, while rocking her trademark black and white uniform with a pair black and white saddle oxfords - I'm certain that if I ever have a daughter, this is the type of artist that she and I will bond over.

My first inclination is to think that people won't get her. A country who re-elected a career boob and thinks that Paris Hilton's release from jail is actually a newsworthy item, they simply don't have the mental capacity. Call me optimistically naive, but I get the feeling that she'll be just fine, I think a dose of something different and innovative is just what the doctor ordered for the masses of career lemmings paralyzed by ClearChannel's evil spell. Please excuse me while I watch a couple of her performances - man, I really love me a quirky black girl.

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