Lets Edit These Jar-Jar Binx's Out of Hip Hop
When it comes to the episodic science fantasy saga that is the Star Wars series, I'm probably what you'd call a mid-level fan. I've seen every movie and know all the major plot points, but I couldn't tell you what planet each character was from or what kind of fuel the Millennium Falcon ran on. True, I've caught peoples punches in mid-air during fights and screamed out "Jedi!," and women who've ever proclaimed their love for me were immediately met with an "I know!" response ala Han Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back." But if you asked me what kind of weapon Boba Fett uses, or how many people an AT-AT walker can hold - a blank stare will encompass my chubby visage as if you just asked me to recite a Lil Wayne lyric. A few chicks that I've dated have been Star War purists as well, a rather touchy bunch let me tell you - completely frowning on me making light saber sounds with each pelvic thrust, while receiving a very spirited "mouth hug" saying "The force is strong with this one," and referring to Lando Calrissian as "that 40oz drinking woman beater." Not to mention that one time I very cavalierly wiped my nether regions on a woman's "Princess Leia" throw pillows post coitus.
But there is one thing that a casual fan like myself and Star Wars purists have in common, a shared hatred for the Jar-Jar Binx character that was first introduced to us in "The Phantom Menace." Even though there was a large segment of the fanbase that loathed Jar-Jar because they felt it was George Lucas' attempt to appeal to children, many felt as I did - that Jar-Jar was nothing more than a sci-fi version of Stepin Fetchit. Not for nothing, but whenever I see a big lipped character speaking in broken English and constantly getting in trouble, I automatically think back to the historical shit-stain that was minstrelsy.(Or Bobby Brown, just playing) Despite the fact that George Lucas let it be known that Jar-Jar was going to be an integral part of "Attack of the Clones", some fans took it upon themselves to fix what they thought was an error on Lucas' part - with "The Phantom Edit", which cut Jar Jar Binks out almost completely, and "The Phantom Re-Edit", which turns the character into a more enjoyable version than the original.
That had me thinking, what if fans banded together and did sort of a mass edit on Hip Hop - erasing people out of the landscape who seem to have no reason being there. I know, based on all the minstrel-show rappers and sub-par wordsmiths with gold encrusted smiles nowadays, everyone from lil Wayne to lil Webbie - editing all of them would fill up my residence with disregarded film stock. That's why I'm starting with the people you've seen in every Hip Hop video for the past couple of years, their very image provoking you to ask: "What purpose do they serve exactly?"
Bishop Magic Juan: This is going to sound very hypocritical coming from a guy who's favorite pastime is shoving wrinkled dollar bills in a stripper's G-string, one who finds myself picking glitter shards out of my penis with a pair of tweezers from sex with said erotic dancer - but the fact that I see this scumbag in every other video sickens me, like seeing lil Kim's pap smear results. Ok, he's supposed to be an "ex pimp" who serves as a spiritual advisor to Snoop and a few others - but I'm saying, anyone who butchers the english language while wearing clown suits and holding gaudy looking cups, couldn't advise me on what the current status of the weather was. This gentleman is the human embodiment of the feeling black folks get when a mass murderer turns out to be a brother, how we feel if we happened to watch the show "Cops" around a bunch of white folks, or that feeling we get when a reporter interviews the most ignorant black person who ever existed as their "eye-witness" - single-handedly turning back the civil rights movement with each mangled sentence. Its about time we made an edit, what do you say?
Travis Barker: Maybe there was a time when having tattooed white boys in Hip Hop video's was the cool thing to do, the artist passive aggressively showing the audience how far his music has crossed racial boundaries by the mere presence of a heavily inked rocker on set - I get it, I really do. But those days are far behind us my friend, black folks' tastes are too sophisticated for such a gesture to even resonate any more - that may work on fans of "Party Like A Rockstar", a song where weak rapping and lame references to "Marilyn Manson" and "The Osbourne's" reign supreme. But for brothers and sisters who grew up on "Bad Brains" and "Fishbone", you have to do better than that. Mr. Barker has been in over 17 Hip Hop videos over the past few years, I couldn't tell you why - it would make sense if the guy wasn't known for being in such a monumentally lame fucking band. His uselessness in a slew of video's only rivals that of Karrine Steffans - but at least she had a pair of perky tits and what I heard was a quite forgiving mouth. Sure, I'm fully aware that he has done a handful of remixes for rappers and singers - but that hardly makes the man Pete Rock, now does it? Sorry dude, I'm going to have to edit you out as well.
Fonzworth Bentley: Maybe I'm alone here, but I don't care if your job was holding umbrella's for Malcolm X and Marcus Garvey - there's something quite "house negro-esque" about a black man holding a fucking umbrella for anyone. I don't know what exactly Mr. Bentley has on Puffy, photos of Diddy being on the business end of homosexual three-way, a grainy camera phone image of Puff engaged in a drunken lip-lock with the guy who played "Doogie Houser" - something has to explain him giving a guy with no discernible talent a chance to enter our collective consciousness. He's another person you see in more Hip Hop videos than regurgitated movie themes, why should I care so much about an asshat who markets umbrellas? I'm fully aware that Mr. Bentley is embarking on a musical career, but what I've heard thus far is complete horseshit - I've heard more ear-pleasing bowel movements in my day. Edit.
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Comments
1.
Jackie says:
Where do you live?
Lauryn Hill did the best performance at Windgate Park in Brooklyn August 6th. Her new material is great. If you're looking for the old Lauryn Hill things have changed. She is better and stronger and realer than ever. A lot of people left the park when she started her first song because they figured she wasn't going to do an Miseducation tracks but she came back for a half hour encore and shook everyone up.She is amazing. Rohan is probably pissing his pants right now.
08/10/2007 at 10:36 PM
2.
Kriss says:
Seeing Fonzworth Bentley in a video gives me the urge to kill. Forget what he has on Puffy, at what point as a man do you reach down in your pants and find your balls and say "I'm not going to make myself look like this much of a idiot for millions to see"?
07/25/2007 at 11:42 AM
3.
Anonymous says:
t what I've heard thus far is complete horseshit - I've heard more ear-pleasing bowel movements in my day. Edit.
HumanityCritic I LOVE YOUR MIND MAN! Edit. Edit. EDIT!
07/17/2007 at 8:50 PM
4.
thoreauly77 says:
co-sign on blinks monumental shittiness; what the fuck is wrong with people? and people think this is punk rock? thses guys are the corn in the poop of the descendents least well-written (and yet still insatiably catchy) pop-punk number.
bishop dmj is a horses ass. as if the guy isnt still a pimp; its just that now he pimps a very wealthy stoner.
07/16/2007 at 12:50 AM
5.
Norm says:
Word. This is a great idea.... that Jar-Jar Binks pretty much ruined Star Wars for me.
07/13/2007 at 9:46 PM
6.
Brother Omi says:
never thought about it . but you are right. to be honest, i wish i could do a drop squad on two of these fools.
07/13/2007 at 3:59 AM