Lil Wayne: "The Zombie Movie"
One thing that hasn't changed over the last 20 years, outside of the length of my penis and the lofty goal that I have of one day clumsily using it on Sheila E, is my ability to use movies as reference points depending on the situation I'm in. I know that I'm too old to be fighting people, but every now and then I find myself being on the business end of a physical threat by two or more participants at a time - usually a sane person whose pet peeves are multiple feet in their rectum and dental work would do their damnedest to avoid a situation that has "loss" written all over it. Not me. The ten or so times that I've been confronted with what can be considered as an angry mob, I always flash back to Bruce Lee in "Chinese Connection" - adjusting my imaginary Karate Gui, slowly spinning with my hands out in that "calm before the storm" sort of way, before catching my would-be dispatchers with hellacious hay-makers and liver shots that provoke them to dedicate their lives to sobriety and nonviolence from that day forward.(Granted, my current record is 5-5 in those altercations) Whenever I'm engaged in a compelling conversation with a beautiful stranger, one that surpasses my usual inquires about sex in the backseat of my muscle car and whether or not she'll let me tape her giving me head with my camera phone - I'm talking about a bona fide conversation here. One where her repartee, the subtle aroma of her perfume, the way she laughs, the seductive way she maintains eye contact with me as I blab ad naseum, and her ability to recite all the words to EPMD's "You're a customer" verbatim while respectively mimicking Erick Sermon's speech impediment - all of that intrigues me so much tha I'm not even focusing on her bra busting mammaries and legs that make you think of female 100 meter dash runners. Times like those I feel like I'm stuck in one of those Ethan Hawke, "Before Sunrise/Sunset" movies.
My overall snobbery has become a thing of legend in my town, I have an extensive history of threatening the lives of wedding DJ's if they happen to spin one bullshit record, a penchant for telling local MC's how much they "suck with no gag reflex" if they mistakenly ask for my honest opinion on their lyrical craftsmanship - not to mention how I routinely sneak into Tyler Perry movies for the sole purpose of personally confronting people and asking them "What in the fuck are you laughing at?" When I'm going through those extreme bouts of snobbery, where I secretly think that people are both mentally challenged and inferior to me if they happen to like one too many questionable rappers with platinum encrusted smiles - the only theatrical point of reference that an asshole like myself has for such classless acts of douchebaggery is the movie "High Fidelity".
But when I think about the absolute horror that is Lil Wayne, and his growing fanbase that consists of my closest confidants and family members - I'm starting to feel like I'm the leading character in one of those low-budget Zombie movies. The parallels are uncanny: In the movies, as soon as the problem of the growing "undead" infestation reveals itself you'd think that people would have the good sense that god gave them and stick with the pack - but unfortunately there's always some ass-hat who wants to go it alone, a decision that they would later regret as a couple of walking corpses proceed to feast on their small intestines like they were competing at a pie eating contest. The same thing with Lil Wayne fans, you'd think that people would recognize the sleep inducing verses, the paint-by-numbers similes, the swagger without an ounce of serviceable skill to support it, the giggle-worthy punch-lines - but people keep openly wondering why I don't see the man's "genius" like I'm staring at one of those 3-Dimensional portraits in the mall and failing to recognize the hidden image. I mean, if there was a real attack of the undead there are some people that I'd expect to be zombies based on their mental deficiency's and their immobility - like my retarded neighbor and the old lady with a walker down the street, I wouldn't need to see them walking slowly towards me while belting out defecation-like moans to know that they were one of the very first victims. Even though I'm not cut from that cloth, I can even understand how Hip Hop journalists sing Lil Wanye's praises as well, in that "I'll do anything to further my career, lets just hope that I'll never be asked to suck a dick for a pay raise" sort of way - I get it, I really do.
Lastly, in those Zombie flicks there is always a point where the protagonist, a person who is only thrust into the role of hero because everyone else is either too chicken-shit or too undead to fill that particular role - finds themselves navigating people who reek of rigamortis to try and save friends and loved ones that they refuse to leave behind. Unfortunately, when they find the person that they love dearly and realize that they are zombies now as well there is always that tearful "not you too" moment - one that is followed by our hero peacefully euthanizing the family member with a sawed-off shotgun that very effortlessly detaches their head from their shoulders.
No, I don't plan on taking out any of my friends and extended family members who all of a sudden call themselves Lil Wayne fans - but theres no harm in me secretly thinking that they're both mentally challenged and inferior to me.
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Comments
1.
Shalita says:
I believe I stopped following hip hop shortly after his debut. I heard Saul Williams is coming out with an album.
10/28/2007 at 9:13 PM
2.
Brother Omi says:
i feel you 100%. what the hell is happening? are they sending out crack fumes through the radio. but i have a theory about that.
10/27/2007 at 4:16 PM
3.
udi says:
LMAO. I caught the BET hip hop awards on Wednesday and I swear, it felt like watching some crap show with me waiting for real performers to show up (at least common performed). But when Lil Wayne proclaimed himself the best rapper alive, that is when I finally knew that Hip Hop can not be saved. Its gone forever.
10/26/2007 at 5:59 PM
4.
Another Conflict Theorist says:
Peace,
I feel your pain.
There are now three things that I try to avoid discussing: Politics, Religion, and what makes a good mc. Try as I might, I can't convince people how much of a shit-for-brains rapper Lil Wayne is. All I can surmise from this is that the Apocalypse is nigh.
I have to disagree with you on one point, though. It's a lot more like Invasion of the Body Snatchers than it is a zombie movie.
10/26/2007 at 5:07 PM