A Guitar is a wack MC's arch nemesis
When a solitary person expresses their disgust concerning one your unique idiosyncrasies, you can simply chalk it up to them being the one who has the "problem" - but when scores of people make it their business to tell you the exact same thing, it automatically gets upgraded from "fluke" to "inconvenient truth".(minus the melting polar icecaps and it being 80 degrees in motherfucking October!) For the past few weeks I've stopped scrolling craigslist for "delivery ass" and decided to navigate the turbulent waters of dating like most normal human beings - courting a slew of beautiful women by taking them to the movies, museums, and having in-depth conversations at fancy restaurants while openly wondering if my future disgruntled ex-girlfriend is going to order from the "in-car mouth-hug" side of the menu. The one thing that I've learned about myself from these women, to my utter dismay I might add, is that I'm as irritating as a suede condom - I'm so used to being called an asshole, I had to really find out what these women found so irritating about me. One of the women told me that she found my habit of giving a person the "wrap-it-up" hand-sign when their story runs a bit too long for my liking sort of irritating, another woman was bothered when I told a young writer "..for your own peace of mind, only mercilessly diss artists that you wouldn't give two shits about if they happened to meet their untimely demise" - this black republican broad that I was dating found it "irritating" when I hit a guy in a bar and then later explained it by sarcastically saying "We have fight them over there so that they don't follow us over here!" Also, during sex she wasn't too thrilled when I kept constantly saying things like "I gotta stay the course"(to keep me from climaxing too soon)", asking if I could put it in her "Black-Site", and right before that magical moment screaming "I have my hunting vest on, I'm about to give you a Dick Cheney!!" Not to split hairs here, or insult the intelligence of the lovely ladies who are open to being talked about on this blog if we ever do indeed date - but everything that I detailed securely falls in the "asshole" category that I'm used to.
But it got me to thinking, and I know that I'm the master of hamfisted segues here - but a couple of things in Hip Hop irritate this chubby scribe to no end. For example, every song by a female rapper or singer that is dedicated to "Thugs" - not only are those songs usually littered with tired suburban cliche's of what a thug is, we are bombarded with videos where scantily clad closeted homosexuals mean-mug the camera for at least 4 minutes. I love MC Lyte, she is a legend and one of my personal favorites - but she started this nonsensical trend with that fucking "Roughneck" song and I'll never forgive her for ass for that. Another thing that irritates me more than pillow talk from Fran Drescher, especially over the past year or so, is the time honored Rap/hardRock collaboration - a joining of forces that usually ends up with the listener wanting to put an unregistered firearm directly into his/her mouth.
Its not that I'm against the music industry's version of interracial marriage, done right and it can be a force to be reckoned with - when Anthrax got with Public Enemy to remake "Bring the Noise"(video above), it was a magical force that would blow Harry Potter's feeble little mind. My problem is, especially lately, is the trend of all these abysmal Rock themed Rap songs that completely offends the sensibilities of all the Hip Hop fans raised in the 80's - a unique lot that came up during a time when MTV was taking baby steps, forcing Hip Hop fans to also become acquainted with "AC/DC", "Black Sabbath", and even groups like "A-Ha" and "Flock of Seagulls". Besides, whenever I hear some young black brother regurgitating the same old lame rock rhetoric over layered guitars that he hopes will garner him some big "ringtone dough" - I sincerely start to pray for the day when I can publicly beat them with a bag of Bad Brains CD's. From that miserable song with R. Kelly featuring Ludacis and Kid Rock, the Rock remix to that MIMS "This is why I'm hot" garbage, Travis Barkers valiant attempt to give the already down-syndrome sounding "Crank That" a rock upgrade - and even though they won "Ringtone of the Year" at VH1's Vibe Awards Special(my bosses), The Shop Boyz' "Party Like a Rockstar" is a fucking abomination. Listen, outside of my belief that Sade's music is best enjoyed while you are pelvically making a late-night mistake and that the spoken word chick in Floetry is virtually useless - I also believe that you should stay away from tracks with guitars in them if you're unable to pen a respectable 16+.
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