Respectfully, Blender Magazine has lost its f**king mind!!
When I was first approached to write for Vibe.com more than 9 months ago I was sincerely flattered, the fact that there was a company actually in existence willing to pay me legitimate united states currency to talk my specific brand of shit under their imprint would have brought a solitary tear to my eye - if a testosterone fueled stud like myself was capable of such an emotion that is. But like Dave Chappelle once rhetorically asked, "What's a black man without his paranoia intact?" - so when I was told that I had car blanc content wise, I kept second guessing the sweet woman, asking again and again, "Are you really sure you want to do that?"(I now know what it felt like to be one of Nas' homeboys while he recorded that "You Owe Me" song with Ginuine) Even though she had informed me that they had read my blog, knew what they were getting into, and virtually gave me the green light to say that Three-6 Mafia was Undoing the Civil Rights Movement and that the people over at MTV who compile those Hip Hop "Best of" lists should be publicly beaten with old videotaped episodes of "Yo MTV Raps" - my utter disbelief led me to very cowardly dedicate my first two posts to Paris Hilton and Ray J.(*hangs head in shame*) But as time passed, me very nervously looking around like a kid about to steal a cookie every time I said something rather inflammatory or provocative - to their credit the good people at Vibe kept their word, no censorship, no notes from up above. They allowed me to be their journalistic gun for hire, verbally assassinating wack rappers who were in desperate need of dispatching - only I wasn't as smooth and stealthy as most Hit-men, hiding in adjacent buildings and calmly picking off their target then leaving the premises in a janitors uniform - my approach was more up close and personal, confronting the target while wearing a gaudy gold medallion with my government name on it, taking them out in broad daylight only to look around at everyone else and to say "See what happens to you when you spit a horrific 16?"
Granted, I'm very secure in the fact that Vibe will never ask me to grace the pages of their magazine with my quirky sex stories where I quote Kool G Rap lyrics during sex - I'm in no way trying to generate pity for myself, I completely agree and understand their logic. I mean, I could never interview Jim Jones on an objective level, I can totally see myself sitting in front of him with sheets of prepared questions before throwing it down in a fit of rage and saying - "You know what dude, you fucking suck, and I'd be glad to discuss it in detail with your wack monosyllabic ass outside if you'd like?" If my assignment was to interview Nelly, I'd make the guy feel like I was a long lost buddy who was sure to give him a glowing review, as I sampled St. Louis' nightlife and women on Nelly's dime - only to write a scathing review of the gentleman's CD when I got back to VA, where I say that I've heard more delightful bowel movements in my day and that he should euthanize himself ASAP. Also, I'm completely at peace with the magazine covering artists whose CD's I wouldn't find worthy enough to use as drink coasters - I have to realize two factors in that equation, Vibe is running a business and I'm a snobbish dickhead.
That being said, earlier this week when my west coast homeboy Paul(myspace.com/paulnathanaelsieger) emailed me this Blender Magazine piece detailing the The 40 Worst Lyricists In Rock - I just thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't under that particular Magazine's employ, because I'd have to violently distance myself from the obscene levels of hackery that they exhibited. My main point of contention isn't just Common(#36) and KRS(#25) being on that suspect list in the first place - but the examples used to highlight their "lack of lyricism" make me think that the already blistering incompetent bottom feeders posing as Hip Hop enthusiasts over there at Blender Magazine were also pressed for time. Listen, I've given both of these gentleman some well deserved shit for not performing "Resurrection" and going on ill-advised Pro-50 rants - but its this writers opinion, along with millions of others who have reasonable amounts of taste, that they don't belong on anyone's "Worst Lyricists" list. Come on Blender, how fucking lazy can you get - if you were going to make an unfavorable case for Common you have "Electric Circus" easily available to use as a template - as for KRS, I distinctly remember him once saying "Don't call it a 'comeback', there's no sperm on my spine". But then again, you'd have to be real Hip Hop fans to know that - my bad.
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