Barack Obama: What's Beef??
One thing I've noticed about myself over the tenure of my existence, outside of the fact that I've historically sought out eyebrow-raising porn titles like "Dyslexic Asian Midgets", and my unsavory penchant for saying insensitive things like "Come on, the N*gga wasn't exactly Malcolm X!" after recently reading an article entitled "The Last Days of Pimp C" - is how I constantly keep a running tab of the disgruntled gentleman hoping to one day snatch me from the mortal coil. I'm a firm believer that life just isn't worth living if your head isn't always on a proverbial swivel, believe me - nothing makes a person feel more alive than anticipating an impromptu physical attack while very innocently going about your day. Since I'm not on the Christmas Card list of people ranging from local sub-par rappers whom I happened to be brutally honest with, husbands of the wives I've consensually sodomized against my muscle car, and random gentlemen that I sucker-punched for disrespecting the God Rakim - lets just say that I've found the fountain of youth, without wading in the murky "Cocoon" pool water with Wilford Brimley that is. But I'm a reclusive writer, one who hasn't had an intimate encounter in the past year that didn't involve a receipt, a son of a bitch so ornery that I recently threatened to bludgeon a DJ to death with "a pillowcase full of sodas" at my friends wedding if he played another Lil Wayne record - I'm probably the only individual who could get away with such psychotic behavior while still maintaining a respectable amount of friends.
I mean, I couldn't be a professional athlete, not with my temper - If some journeyman point guard decided to get into a rather innocent shoving match with yours truly during some meaningless game, I'd properly avenge that particular brand of disrespect during the off season. Finding the most inopportune moment, like the gentleman's golf tournament named after him or while he visits cancer kids in the hospital - I'd take it upon myself to administer a O.C styled beating where I proceeded to beat the "minerals and vitamin, irons and the niacin's" out of that motherfucker.
Watching Barack Obama navigate his campaign around a sea of abysmal smears over the past months, I've come to realize that my goal of becoming a respected politician is becoming less likely - and I'm not even talking about my pedestrian horticultural habits or the fact that I once attended two Farrakhan speeches just to see a woman's "fruit of Islam" under her hijab. I mean, every negative ad or slick comment that I happened to be on the business end of, would be met with me either interrupting one of their press conferences with my hands in the air screaming "Talk that shit now son!! What!!" - or possibly countering said smear with a profanity laced diss track produced by DJ Premier.(..possibly with Busta providing the hook) I guess that's why I support Barack Obama, of course I'm in sync with his political beliefs but also because more times than not he has taken the political high road - even if I do sincerely feel that he needs to take cues from yours truly, make a list, and figuratively chin check those who cause him to put his head on a political swivel. I'd like to think that his list would look something like this.
Hillary Clinton: For all I know, if Barack Obama had never been born - there's a possibility that I could be living my chubby existence in Virginia Beach, Virginia - with a Hillary Clinton screen-saver on my computer and her campaign signs awkwardly decorating my front yard like the weight benches you see in those West Coast "hood" movies. Even quoting the Governor's words verbatim as if she used one of her precious press conferences to read the lyrics to Rakim's "Mahogany". But by Barack Obama merely posing as a formidable opponent, it has opened my eyes to how phenomenally lame Hillary Clinton and her campaign have been - forget abut the fact that she scraped the bottom of the political barrel by coming out against violent video games(Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas) and her voting to give the president the leeway to authorize one of the biggest strategic blunders in American History(Iraq War). From the reported nasty nature of some of her campaign staffers who have characterized Obama as "uppity", decrying negative campaigning when she was ahead in the polls and her abandoning of that philosophy the moment the race tightened, her cackle heard around the world in the last democratic debate that Barack quickly dismantled - not to mention the Clinton's campaign attacking Obama's kindergarten record, all that has done nothing but make a dreadlocked writer who talks about his penis too much be an even bigger supporter of the junior Senator from Illinois.
Bill Clinton: I never subscribed to the philosophy of Bill Clinton being our "first black president", of course I'd prefer "slick willie" being the leader of the free world over the cluster-fuck who currently resides as 1600 Pennsylvania avenue. But him taking Sista Souljah's comments concerning the 1992 Los Angeles riots completely out of context still sickens me, making her his Willie Horton and desperately appealing to the indecisive Gomer Pile vote. So despite his off key sax playing on Arsenio, and his great oratory skills that seem to get to only pick up steam around black audiences - I was always hesitant to embrace the Arkansonian as one of my own like so many other black folks have, only white folks like Teena Marie and Darryl Hall get lifelong melanin-passes. That being said, of course Bill should be out there campaigning for Hillary, drawing legitimate distinctions between his wife and Barack Obama - I just have a problem with him trying to revise history in the process. Like the way he claimed that he was opposed to the war in Iraq from the beginning, a fictitious good will tour that him and Bush 41 would go on if Hillary is elected president - but you had to love the way he tried to highlight how ill prepared Obama is for the highest office in the land in his recent Charlie Rose interview by bragging how he had the forsight to admit how ill prepared he was in 1988.(At the time, rumors of his infidelity ran rampant - which many believe was the true reason he didn't run in 1988)
Hillary's Surrogates: Now that we are closing in on the Iowa primaries, and Hillary feels that she has gotten her hands dirty enough in this age of political mudslinging - she's been trying to exhibit a more of a softer side, campaigning with her daughter and mother. Heartfelt testimonials from lifelong best friends, things of that nature. Since her negatives are extremely high its important to humanize Mrs. Clinton, purely understandable - especially heading down the homestretch to the Iowa primaries. I guess that's why she has taken it upon herself to let surrogates administer genital crushing low blows that only Andrew Golata would be proud of, since she can no longer afford to do so based on Iowa's historic distaste for negative campaigning. From Hillary's senior strategist Mark Penn specifically using the word "cocaine" when addressing their smear of barack Obama's past drug use, Bill Shaheen, one time co-chair of Clinton's New Hampshire campaign, clumsily waxing poetic about how republicans would have a proverbial field day with Obama's said youthful indiscretions - not to mention former Sen. Bob Kerrey who endorsed Clinton but found a way to regurgitate republican talking points. Talk about him being a muslim and reminding people that "Hussein" is his middle name.
Throwback Civil Rights Leaders: What is up with ghosts of civil rights past, coming out of the woodwork and acting like their hesitancy in backing Obama or their unwavering support of Hillary means anything to the rest of us? When Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton cryptically warn the rest of us not to break out the anointing oils yet for Senator Obama, what is meant to sound sincerely authentic actually comes across more as jealously from whining malcontents with unfulfilled political aspirations. As much as I appreciate the trails that brothers like Andrew Young have blazed for people like myself as he marched along Martin Luther King jr, but when he comes out for Hillary(which is his right) and dismisses Obama by saying "It's a matter of being young" - it just shows what a selective memory he has, thank God that no one gave a young Dr. King that same bit of ham-fisted advice.
Black Bloggers: One show that I listen to on a regular basis, thanks to my boy DanTres, is a program on NPR called "News and Notes" hosted by Farai Chideya - a beautiful black sister that I would have already made a serious play for, if my blog wasn't already a damning document detailing my sexual inadequacies and my emotional unavailability. Great show. But the one thing I loathe about some of the bloggers who have participated in their "Black Bloggers Roundtable", as well as some black bloggers I've noticed in general - is when they say something akin to the following: "I can't support Barack Obama until he addresses....*insert some isolated black issue*" For Christs sake, he's not running for Black Culture Club president at your local High School you ignorant shits!! - he's running for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, grow the fuck up already.(For the record, being a black blogger, or a black person for that matter - doesn't mean you have to be a Obama supporter - I'm just opposed to the aforementioned silly line of reasoning.)
Tags: Barack Obama
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