February 2008 Archives
The Clinton Campaign reminds me of "Police Academy"
As any self-respecting black person who happens to have scores of white friends will tell you, sometimes maintaining said relationships requires you to walk a line thinner than Amy Winehouse's silhouette - an ongoing battle consisting of trying not to come across like a malcontented militant every time someone makes an ethnic misstatement and doing your damnedest to never be the human embodiment of a black character in a John Hughes movie, an inconsequential mascot of sorts. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of white folks out there who happen to be cooler than Eskimo vagina, individuals who have the good sense that god gave them - people who, upon their last dying day, will never have a Romney-esque moment of racial awkwardness anywhere on their resume. But sometimes, after giving a person the black friend "stamp of approval" so to speak, they broadside you with the obligatory "What's up my nigga?" in a crowded bar or sarcastically ask you if you think O.J was guilty or not. Suddenly you find yourself standing on the corner of "Schooling them" street and "abandoning the entire fucking friendship" avenue. Because of that, similar to the way a historically abused animal may flinch or growl aggressively if a random person simply goes to pet them - you overreact and tend to see examples of blatant racism when there is none. *Enter a very innocent game of "Trivial Pursuit"*.
Around Christmas time, my friend Jodi and her husband Sam invited me over their house for a duel celebration of sorts - of both the day that epitomizes consumerism and the announcement that my dear friend was expecting her very first child. After a delicious dinner, and digesting so many spirits that the liver of this underachieving writer summoned the ghost of Ernest Hemingway - the ten or so people who were left split up into pairs and decided to take part in a friendly game of "Trivial Pursuit". Everyone was laughing, good times were had by all - and even though I pride myself on knowing an inordinate amount of useless information necessary to crush the will of lesser mortals in these types of trivia games, I had decided just to have a good time. That was until, after having a few softball questions about Hip Hop thrown my direction - I heard someone say, "Shit man, he would know that!!" It didn't even matter to me who had said it, my brain automatically went into overdrive - that night, I was intent on proving that I was no throwaway character in a John Hughes flick. When asked a simple question about Ronald Reagan, I answered it, then proceeded to unnecessarily name the four men who acted as Chief of Staff under his administration - when a pedestrian question was posed to me about a Dr. Suess book title, not only did a answer it before the person even finished asking it, I went on a rather breathy and ill-advised rant about Iambic Pentameter. No one was impressed with my "vast grasp" of the issues, which was the first sign that I might have overreacted. Then when I realized that Jodi was the person who made the comment that set me off, a woman who I've had a million and one conversations about Hip Hop with - I automatically felt like that abused canine who bites people with the purest of intentions.
From that point the rest of the night went swimmingly well, but I did take something from that Christmas party that keeps me up most nights - when it comes to those abysmal "Police Academy" movies, I'm like a dread-locked walking Encyclopedia on the subject. A simple question about Steve Gutenberg segued into me breaking down every character and their specific quirks, what happened in each respective movie, even stating the government names of the actors who played roles in those respective flicks. I think it was in the middle of me breaking down the utter complexities of the character Takleberry, when I realized that there are some striking similarities between the "Police Academy" movies and Hillary Clinton's campaign.
Hillary Clinton as "Cadet Laverne Hooks": I'm well aware that the "Laverne Hooks" role was a seldom used supporting character, and the comparison to Hillary Clinton might seem a bit strange - Mrs. Clinton being a formidable opponent to Barack Obama and a political powerhouse who has been in the publics consciousness for more than two decades. But the one thing that I noticed about the Laverne Hooks character, because of her soft spoken nature and extreme shyness - was an almost desperate need for the outside world to shower her with nothing but pity. Hillary is a very strong woman, she couldn't have gotten to where she is without boatloads of toughness - but whenever she's in a bind she plays the gender card like a master poker player. For example, "tear heard round the world" right before New Hampshire, her claiming that her opponents were "piling on" her during one of the debates - and what I feel was an open invitation to a pity party when she supposedly loaned her campaign 5 million dollars. A continuous theme with the Laverne Hooks is that when she is pushed to the limit, her soft-spoken nature is abandoned for that of a commanding drill Sargent - and we all witnessed Ms. Clinton "find her voice" after New Hampshire.
Bill Clinton as "Cadet Carey Mahoney": Just like the character that Steve Guttenberg portrays, Bill Clinton is also a silver-tongued ladies man with a penchant for mischief and Shenanigans. From his constant squabbling with reporters, shamelessly distorting Obama's Iraq war position, to his ill-advised "Jesse Jackson" comment - this political season has really brought out Bill's zaniness. I'm still waiting for Bubba to put shoe polish around the end of Barack Obama's megaphone.
Mark Penn - "Cadet Eugene Tackleberry": Who doesn't love Tackleberry? When I think about the walking arsenal with a heart of gold, the guy whose over-zealousness might put an extremely large hole in your grandmother's back, but only for the greater good of course - I automatically think of Hillary Clinton's top campaign strategist, Mark Penn. Like Tackleberry, dismissing low calibre service revolvers given to him by the department for his own brand of lethal machinery, not only will Mr. Penn instruct campaign surrogates to damage their good names(and not so good names) by leveling baseless smears at Obama - when all else fails, he emerges from the shadows to do the dirty work himself. But then again, in a head to head match-up - Mark Penn is much more of an unsavory person than Tackleberry ever could be. Tackleberry busts heads, Mark Penn busts unions, Takleberry represents the people he's protecting - Mark Penn's company represents Blackwater.Game. Set. Match. Like. A . Motherfucker.
Howard Wolfson - "Cadet Larvelle Jones": We can all agree, now looking back at those "Police Academy" movies, that they were both fundamentally bad and predictably formulaic - but the one thing that never gets old is the character of "Cadet Larvelle Jones" played by actor Michael Winslow. His art of distracting people by verbally imitating gun shots, foot steps, and horses sounds is absolutely a force to be reckoned with - which is why I'm equally impressed by Hillary Clinton's press secretary Howard Wolfson, based how his sole intention of distracting the American voter with whats really important. Whether its Tony Rezko, Obama apparently snubbing Hillary, and this recent nonsense about Barack being afraid to debate Hillary in Wisconsin after 18 debates - it immediately becomes apparent that Michael Winslow doesn't have shit on Howard Wolfson.
Clinton Campaign Staffers - "The Kirklands": You remember the Kirklands? A fun-loving bunch introduced to us in the second Police Academy installment, a family that expressed their love for each other with stiff right jabs and your garden variety body blow - its pretty stunning how much Hillary Clinton's campaign staffers mirror this fictitious family. With Mark Penn and Mandy Grunwald engaging in shouting matches, campaign shake-ups, resignations/demotions - not for nothing, but a well placed fist to the chin would be a better alternative to the absolute disarray the Clinton Campaign seems to be in right now.
Pat Buchanan: The "Statler & Waldorf" of Political Punditry
Poor David Shuster. The man is having his livelihood carelessly toyed with by a political campaign seemingly more interested in scoring cheap political points than getting their candidate's message out to the masses. With entire news cycles bombarding our collective consciousness with State of the Union snubs, Obama's Ronald Reagan fan-club, Kindergarten era presidential aspirations, Crying on cue, campaign shake-ups, and a Tony Rezko non-scandal being promoted from a campaign headquarters made completely out of glass - forgive me for not being able to tell when the outrage is live or when its Memorex. Even though I completely agree with the point that David Shuster was making, how unseemly it seems for the Clinton campaign to shamelessly send Chelsea out there to woo super-delegates - his remarks that she was being "pimped out" were both wrong and reprehensible, absolutely deserving of a suspension. That being said, the guy apologized, twice, and doesn't have a history of insensitivity to speak of - but the Clinton campaign's eagerness to keep this story alive is either just an example of them "working the refs" so to speak, or making David Shuster a scapegoat for Chris Matthews' history of making clearly sexist remarks about the New York Senator.
But what is lost in Shuster-gate, Chris Matthews' lockeroom talk, and Hillary Clinton supporters the world over feeling as if MSNBC as a whole has some sort of hidden agenda against their respective candidate - is that Barack Obama has it the worst of all since he has the Statler & Waldolf of political punditry constantly attacking him. You remember Statler & Waldolf don't you? The two old and ornery bastards on "The Muppet Show", hating on everything with reckless abandon from the comfort of their balcony seats - this is the image that immediately comes to mind every time Pat Buchanan criticizes Obama ad nauseum. I'm fully aware that Buchanan is an old school conservative, so waiting for him to shower the junior Senator from Illinois with obscene amounts of praise would be a moot point - but his rhetoric is filled with so many Clinton talking points, you'd think that the decrepit fuck worked for the campaign. During Super-Tuesday, before any of the exit polling started coming in - Buchanan was saying that Obama was the "black candidate" and that if he couldn't get over 20 percent of the white vote he was finished. When Obama outperformed Pat's hamfisted expectations of the white vote, he didn't do the journalistically responsible thing and admit his mistakes - he just shifted his venom to another talking point about Obama garnering too much of the black vote was problematic, or something utterly nonsensical like that. The funny thing is, when all else fails and the facts completely abandon his piss poor, agenda driven arguments - he plays dime-store psychic and stuff like "The Republican Attack machine will tear Obama apart!!" comes oozing out the sides of his mouth.
Pat, you are the Jim Kelly of political pundits so just shut the fuck up already - we all know that Hillary Clinton would be an easier general election candidate for people who share your political affiliation. At least now I know that the hand up your ass, making your mouth move that is - happens to be controlled by the RNC.
Barack Obama: "Girls Gone Wild"
For all the ladies out there who are in the habit of reading my potty-mouthed diatribes, I have to give you credit - even though I sincerely feel that women are smarter than men and can do anything a man can do, I have hardly presented myself as a writer who has been overly sympathetic to the woman's movement. In one post I'll wax poetically about that one time I smashed a beer bottle over some miscellaneous bastard's temple because he had made the unfortunate decision of calling a woman out of her name - and in the very next blog entry, I'll go into crass detail concerning the young lady I consensually sodomized in a funeral home bathroom during my father's wake while whispering sweet nothings in her ear like "You'll be sitting on pillows for a week!!"(Ignoring her incessant eye-rolling) On one occasion I'll sound like a feminists best friend, amongst my drunk buddies I'll passionate declare that the government should stay out of a woman's vagina for good - but just last week when my girlfriend's sister told me that she was putting on a play consisting of all women, I just had to crack a joke and ask "What is it, a period piece?" Then I have to ask myself, am I a raging misogynist or just an equal opportunity asshole? Because even though my pillow talk as of late has consisted of statements ranging from "I'm going to fuck your tits off!", "Act like my penis has that "Cocoon' - fountain of youth pool water in it!" to "..yeah, but your mouth isn't bleeding is it?" - I've also pushed a wheelchair bound man into traffic for disrespecting Rakim, once prompted a priest to call me a "dirty cocksucker", and recently instructed a single amputee who wanted to fight me to "Put his best foot forward".
But what I do know is, despite my less than respectable actions and the fact that I own enough double-penetration pornography to fill up an average-size New York City apartment - I always found something wildly inappropriate about those "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Sure, the guy who created said phenomenon(Joe Francis) comes across as creepy as your garden variety pedophile. Also, speaking as a person who has turned down many drunken advances from women for fear of one day being someones bitch in jail and clutching their pockets as a sign of ownership - there seems to be something morally reprehensible about coercing inebriated women to do anything. But whenever I've seen those late night "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials, the ones where the women flash their breasts with a graphic of a smiley face covering them up - I always feel bad for them, especially when I think about them trying to explain themselves whenever they become respected members of society. I guess at the end of the day, one could chalk it all up to simple youthful indiscretions - but I see a parallel between the young girls who don't see the future repercussions of their actions, and some of the fanatical opposition Barack Obama has gotten from women just because he threatens Hillary Clinton's chances of becoming the first woman president. I mean, especially for lifelong progressives who have are in the habit of smearing Barack Obama at every turn - what are you going to say if the man becomes the Democratic Nominee?
Gloria Steinem:
While I respect Ms. Steinem's tireless work for women's rights in the country, I don't particularly respect her New York Times piece - an article that not only plays the historically lame "who's had it worse" game, clumsily adds Hillary Clinton's time as first lady in the "experience" column, but it also insults the intelligence of all the young women who happen to support Barack Obama. To add insult to injury, when she uses this particular line: "Besides, to clean up the mess left by President Bush, we may need two terms of President Clinton and two of President Obama." - it smacks of what so many black folks of my parents generation heard while fighting for Civil Rights, to "wait your turn". As a black man supporting Barack Obama, let me state clearly that people shouldn't vote for the junior Senator from Illinois based on the fact that he has melanin - but regardless of your choice, at least have well thought out political reasons to back up your respective choice.
N.O.W: Recently when Ted Kennedy decided to support Barack Obama on his journey to become the democratic nominee, the New York Chapter of N.O.W(The National Organization for Women) decided to tear old Teddy a new one - with a vitriolic screed characterizing Senator Kennedy's decision as the "greatest betrayal!" and charging him as picking "the new guy over us." I'm glad that N.O.W as a whole has distanced themselves from the petulant nonsensical hissy fits from the New York Chapter - outside of the fact that Mr. Kennedy has been on the right side of women's rights longer than I've been alive, why can't he support who in the fuck he wants? I thought the feminist movement was about proving that women were just as good as men and should be judged upon their merits - not because someone owes them a favor or solely based on their gender, doing so spits in the face of the feminist movement in my opinion.
Roseanne Barr: Maybe I should start this topic with a slogan, "I read Roseanne Barr's blog so you don't have to!" - because nothing is more of a clearer example of a woman slowly slipping into madness than her Obama, invective-filled diatribes that seem to be heavily influenced by Chrystal meth and too much time on her hands. She now supports Hillary, many people do and I don't take issue with that - but if you simply follow the woman's January archives alone, you get the sense that this is an emotionally tortured individual who feels guilty that she infected all of us with the disease that is Tom Arnold. On her blog first she is a big Edwards supporter who lumps Obama and Hillary in the same "establishment candidate" category. When it became abundantly clear that Edwards didn't have a chance in hell of winning, on top of some asshole who held up a "wash my shirt" sign at a Clinton Rally - she suddenly became an unwavering Hilary supporter. From that point forward it becomes an interesting read, the same way you rubberneck during an accident to see if there are any limbs scattered on the city street - everything from blatant distortions, half-truths, her telling Hillary "A black male president should come after your presidency". - along with entertaining attacks on Oprah, an apology to Oprah, disingenuous support of Obama, her calling Barack "lurch" and his wife Michelle "Shrek"(which was later erased) then back to attacking Oprah. Roseanne, I thought using "Hussein" when discussing Obama was a right wing tactic - you fucking washed up psycho you.
Taylor Marsh: I've got to pretty honest, Ms. Marsh's blog is pretty inconsequential - she's a discredited Clinton shill who does exactly what her masters tell her, to throw as much bile and shit against the wall concerning Obama and hope that something sticks. Everything from unsubstantiated Tony Rezko claims, ignoring Hillary's history of associating herself with some pretty unseemly characters, perpetuating the media embarrassment that was "snub-gate", the grasping of straws argument that Obama has become the establishment candidate based on who has endorses him - not to mention her desperate assessment that he was injecting race by simply using the word "hoodwink", and the "Look, he's praising Reagan!" nonsense that has been debunked by anyone with a standard level of reading comprehension. Yes, she's a gigantic fucking hack who spends more time telling us what's wrong with Obama and hardly any viable reasons to vote for Hillary - but that's not my complaint. I just want to know how she got a gig writing for "The Huffington Post"? I mean, that's my dream gig and admittedly I'm a bit jealous - but if a miserable writer/smear merchant is penning articles for them, I know that my time must be around the corner.
Update: I just found out that Rosanne Barr writes for "The Huffington Post" as well.. Jesus Christ..
Jim Webb: 2008's "Man of the Year"
Despite my unwavering support for Barack Obama ever since the junior senator first announced his candidacy before the Old State Capitol building in Springfield, Illinois almost a year ago, if Hillary Clinton winds up being the democratic nominee for president, to me she will automatically become the human embodiment of the Michelle Pfeiffer, "Save-a-Negro" character in "Dangerous Minds" - hoping that my vote would help a blond white woman sweep in and save the day once again, from both republican rule and any more horrific Coolio remakes where he butchers the fuck out of a Stevie Wonder classic. Granted, my vote would be a painful one to make based on the Clinton campaign's penchant for smears, distortions, and race baiting over the past few months - but when cooler heads prevail like Eskimo blow-job contest winners, I clearly understand that she is better for the country than any republican in the race.(Even though I sincerely believe that Barack Obama would be a stronger general election candidate) I mean, really - Mike Huckabee? The former Arkansas Governor seems like a nice enough guy despite his love for the Confederate Flag, but he is an absolute Jesus freak who not only thinks that homosexuality is akin to bestiality, but he also feels that we should amend the Constitution to be in lockstep with the bible - oh, did I mention that all he feels that we all should have firearms to defend ourselves against our own government? Mitt Romney? The man will literally say anything to get elected, a plastic politician who looks like Ward Cleaver and what someone said to have "the soul of a game-show host" - in this youtube video that outlines how liberal he was when he was Governor of Massachusetts, the narrator says "Mitt Romney, catch him on the right day and he's Che 'fricking' Guevara!" Word. Ron Paul? Well, you all know how I feel about Ron Paul. John McCain? I'm well aware that the man is a war hero with an extensive record of public service, and I respect the fact that it took absolute courage to withstand 5 years as a P.O.W - but when did the ability to endure an asswhipping automatically make you an authority on everything foreign policy? John McCain is the 50 Cent of politics. Besides, with his recent comments about the possibility of america being in Iraq for another 100 years, his habit of trying to perpetuate the falsehood that the "surge is working", and the sentiment that there will be in fact "more wars" - it is this writers opinion that a "President McCain" would be extremely hazardous to all of our health.
Suffice it today, if the Democratic nominee is either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton, I feel pretty good about our chances come November - based on the proverbial clown-shoes on the republican side posing as politicians that is. Which brings me to the title of this post. There is one man we should all be thanking for the lackluster candidates the republicans have inundated us with over the past year. One person that we should be showering nothing but praise upon if the democrats take the White House in 08'. That man ladies and gentlemen, is Jim Webb.
See, Jim Webb narrowly defeated incumbent George Allen in the 2006 Senate race of Virginia - a man who had not only served as Governor for my home state, but was supposed to be a shoe-in for being the republican nominee in this years election. That's why I consider Mr. Webb to be 2008's "Man of the Year", because George Allen's conservative credentials makes it seem like the man comes out of central casting when it comes to republican candidates. He's no Mitt Romney, with liberal stances like pro-choice and gun control that he doesn't want you to remember now that he's running for president - George Allen has toed the party line from day one, I think he voted with George Bush 99% of the time. He's no John McCain, no one can accuse George Allen of being a "maverick" - while right-wing radio openly bristles at the idea of a McCain nomination, they'd all come together in a political circle jerk if Allen were the nominee. Sure, I find his love for the confederate flag, nooses, and his affiliation with one of the largest white supremacist groups in the country(Council of Conservative Citizens) rather unsettling - but to Republicans, such indiscretions would be considered to be "suring up his base".
Again, thank you Jim Webb.
"Be Smart. Vote Obama '08"
Since my state(Virginia) won't be voting in a primary for another week, I urge all of you out there and vote if you live in a state included in the Super Tuesday clusterfuck - an Obama vote would be nice, but as long as you vote for someone that's cool with me too.
Blu - Just another day
Around Christmas time, I had planned on completing a piece entitled "The Gift that Keeps on Giving" - no, it wasn't going to be about Herpes and the dangers of sleeping with strippers who reside in Tijuana. It was mainly going to be detailing how some people's hamfisted arguments immediately expose how fundamentally wrong they are. For example, as a person who regrettably lets the N-Word fly out of his mouth on more than one occasion, I've always claimed that explaining why you use the word is more damning than using the word itself.(see DJ Khalid) But the main focus was primarily going to be aimed at how people routinely defend wack rappers, like Lil Wayne for example - I can't tell you how many people have attempted to prove his lyrical worth to me by quoting a few of his lines with unwavering confidence. Usually, as my brain attempted to digest the inordinate amounts of third-grade poetry forcing it's way in my consciousness - that's when the soul of Johnnie Cochran took over my body and screamed: "Exhibit A like a motherfucker, Lil Wayne is wack!!"
But since my New Years Resolution has been to do less hating in 08', I decided that more times than not I would just highlight dope artists - hence the video. As I've said before, Blu is definitely a breath of fresh air.
