March 2008 Archives
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..
As I've stated before, the last thing on earth I should be doing is managing a presidential campaign, mainly because my penchant for viewing everything as a knife fight would absolutely sink my respective candidate - presidential necessities like nuance and decorum are lost on a man who's own mother characterizes him as an "insufferable prick". There have been numerous occasions when I wanted Obama to fold Hillary up like origami, and when he failed to do so I usually questioned his testicular fortitude in rather unflattering terms - more times than not I turned out to be flat wrong by the way, but that isn't the main reason why campaign managing isn't in my life's blood. A few years ago, my younger cousin asked me to help him with his campaign to become class president - I jumped at the opportunity, not only would becoming class president be great for his college applications, but just think about all the miscellaneous High School ass that would be carelessly thrown in his direction.(So, since living vicariously through him can't be considered statutory rape, I figured that I'd help him out.) For a couple of weekends in a row, my cousin and I, along with about 30 of his classmates that served as his "staff" - painstakingly strategized his campaign so much that we might as well have been sitting behind blue schematics. Not only were poster and button making on the respective agenda, but more sinister plans were at work as well - like our plan to throw the opposition off by having his girlfriend break up with him due to a staffer who had slept with him, not to mention various nasty whisper campaigns about drunken sex the opponent once had with a cat and his parents actually being actual siblings. Karl Rove doesn't have shit on me. Unfortunately, my aunt found out what we were up to and pulled the plug on my campaign managing career - oh well, my cousin still won without my help, I guess positive campaigning works sometimes. Anyway, here is my weekly advice for Senator Obama.
Start having Sinbad's back: Its funny how slow the news media works, for those of us in the know(i.e cats who spend too much time online) - from the beginning, that Bosnia story that Hillary was regurgitating seemed to have so many holes in it you could have turned it into mosquito netting. Everyone knew that Hillary's Bosnia trip was with Chelsea, Cheryl Crow, and Sinbad, so when she bragged about ducking from Sniper Fire something just didn't seem right - but as soon as Sinbad came out and said that the "scariest" part of the trip was wondering where they'd eat next, I just knew that spelled trouble for Hillary. Now there is actual video footage that completely refutes her Bosnia tale, but to a bigger extent, severely undercuts her "experience" argument that she has had over Barack Obama the entire primary season. Not only does Obama need to routinely hit her on this, but he also should ask the media to investigate all the other questionable accomplishments that seem to be nothing more than padding to her record. Her Creation of S-Chip, whether or not she helped pass FMLA(Family and Medical Leave Act), if the story of her helping to bring peace to Northern Ireland was complete horseshit or not - take the game to her, especially after she is now shamelessly playing politics with Rev. Wright.
Push the Wrecking Ball Theory: Lets be completely honest here, outside of the Clinton Campaign, republican commentators who feign objectivity but only have an agenda of mischief to speak of, along with the countless Hillary apologists that currently flood the cable airwaves - the delegate math for Mrs. Clinton is insurmountable, and the only way for her to become the Democratic Nominee is for her to make Barack Obama unelectable. Such tactics make Kamikaze piloting look like a rubdown in a shiatsu, especially if her plan doesn't work and we have a bruised and battered Obama limping into a general election with John McCain - that's why Obama, especially after the North Carolina and Indiana primaries, should openly wonder why Hillary Clinton is trying to assist John McCain to a November victory. Outright asking her to drop out is a bad move, but Obama suggesting that her main goal is a self serving one and not one for the good of the party - that seems to be completely above board. After making that clear, sharply pivot exclusively to John McCain - and only utter Mrs. Clinton's name when asked a direct question about the Senator from New York.
Put the Rev Wright issue to bed: Even though some recent polls suggest that Obama didn't take that big of a hit over the "Pastor-gate" - rest assured, that the media will nickle-and-dime Obama to death with every semi-controversial utterance associated with Mr. Wright in every sermon, newsletter, or bowel movement over the last 20 years. Based on the intellectual laziness of the so called "Liberal media" like MSNBC and CNN, it would serve Obama to put this thing to bed permanently - he can't give another speech, and he shouldn't disassociate himself from a man who introduced him to the gospel, but he has to begin a narrative that outlines the medias need to doom his candidacy by guilt-by association. Constantly clarify that he is the one running for president here, not Rev. Wright, and how even the most inexperienced journalist could pour over his record and see how he has historically been on the right side of tolerance and patriotism.
Stop trying to "David Koresh" me!
You don't think I know "crazy"? I know "crazy" my friend! When you have a father like mine who's main passion in life, besides fixing automobiles and the three decades he honorably spent in the Navy - was to engage in the most viscous 18 year campaign full of "You Ain't ever going to be shit!" diatribes and other garden variety self-esteem killing tactics. When you have a grandmother who desensitized her own children to violence so much, that when my uncle waxes poetic about getting hit on the side of his head with a vase he does so with a glassy eyed affection usually reserved for Prom recollections - not only that, how many people can say that their grandmother was once incarcerated for stabbing a guy? The Kennedy's have politics, my family has dysfunction - and despite the lunacy that I've already exposed you to, my family still considers me to be the undisputed belt holder of the "crazy" title, and believe me that's saying a lot. Based on an extensive history of questionable behavior ranging from me punching one of those black "hustle-man" preachers in the throat for telling his congregation to vote for Bush solely on the issue of abortion, pulling a pharmacist over his counter and throwing him one hell of a beating after he made some sexually suggestive comments to my mother, and that time I rolled a handicapped man into traffic simply because he refused to admit that Rakim was the greatest rapper of all time - if being crazy was a contact sport akin to boxing, lets just say that I'm on a clear path of retiring undefeated. Forget about the physical stuff for a minute, I'm a sexaholic germaphobe for Christ sakes - even the most innocent sexual encounters where the necessary protection is used, more times than not I find myself having months of extensive blood work done - me clutching rosary beads, praying to the almighty that I didn't just have sex with the human embodiment of the outbreak monkey. Relationship wise, I'm a man with criminally low amounts of self esteem who goes after women far above my respective pay grade - the ever flowing motif of those unions not recognized by the church or my mother, consist of me regularly telling the woman in question: "Jesus woman, you could do so much better!" Like I said before, I know "crazy".
That's why I can't seem to wrap my head around the commonly regurgitated meme over the past months that Obama supporters are all "crazy", characterizing us as "cult-like' - proverbial Jim Jones kool-aid drinkers, political branch davidians, waiting for some spaceship to snatch us all up as we wear our black and white Nike's while attending an Obama speech. Like I told an overzealous Hillary supporter over the weekend, "For god's sake, Stop trying to 'David Koresh' me!" This tactic used by Hillary Clinton supporters bewildered with the fact that their candidate can't seem to produce the same sort of enthusiasm and excitement, or members of the media who are too lazy to do their fucking jobs in finding out why people support Obama so passionately - is the equivalent of a kid who tries out for his High School hoops team, fails miserably, then suddenly declares that "Basketball is Stupid!". It seems to be the exact same sort of disingenuous petulance here, minus the acne and nocturnal emissions. Sure, the fainting is a bit much, but then again, I wouldn't think less of a fellow fan if he/she decided to paint themselves Navy Blue and Orange while attending a Chicago Bears game - at the end of the day, regardless how we express our respective passion, we both want to see our team win. But a cult? I see people's exuberance for the junior senator from Illinois as something completely different..
As we find ourselves at the tail end of an administration that gleefully urinates on the constitution and uses Habeus Corpus as simple toiletry, attempting to make torture and illegally tapping your phone acceptable practices. A president who's scandals outweigh his achievements, a Iraq war that should have never been waged - costing us too many lives and too many permanently wounded heroes, the outing of a C.I.A agent solely because her husband was one of the war's first vocal opponents, No Child Left Behind, Katrina, Black sites, Halliburton, Blackwater, Abu Graibe, etc. It seems like a 20 years ago now, but it wasn't too long when intellectually dishonest people were calling fried potatoes "freedom fries", steamrolling Dixie Chicks CD's, calling you un-american for opposing this misguided war - I even remember a website dedicated to outing anti-war actors, asking people to boycott their movies from that point forward just because they gave a simple opinion. Because of all that obscene fuckery, all of us rational people were just left exhausted man, but before the political landscape drew us into a politically inactive coma - here comes a guy who seems to be the antithesis of everything that has gone horribly wrong over the past 7 years. Whenever I see Obama supporters cheering, chanting, famous musicians dedicating songs to the man - they are the furthest thing I would characterize as "cult-like", they have just found the presidential candidate who enables them to publicly exercise the demons of an utterly incompetent president that has wreaked habits on our collective souls. Acting as political exhibitionists as they shower off the proverbial stink that is George W. Bush amongst thousands of fellow Obama supporters.
Matter of fact, I'd respectfully contend that you'd see more instability in your garden variety Hillary Clinton supporter. I mean, miraculously wanting the Florida and Michigan delegates to count after your candidate primarily agreed that they would be inconsequential is a bit nutty. Isn't it? What level of madness causes a well respected economist and author to carelessly gamble with his credibility in the name of Hillary shilldom? How demented do you have to be, knowing that the delegate math is damn near insurmountable - to rely on the super-delegates to come to the rescue in the final hours, thus severely fracturing the Democratic party? I'm not saying that Rosanne Bar has ever been a shining example of mental health, but what possess a person, who was once a household name - to let her rabid support of Hillary turn her blog into a prime example of what slipping into madness feels like? How unbalanced do you have to be to suggest that Obama simply saying that Hillary was "feeling down" was a frontal assault to femisim? Only a complete whacho would even hint that its somehow Obama's responsibility to apologize for the media's sexism. I have to really question if padded rooms and glass licking is in your near future, if you applaud Hillary using the fear card to scare up votes - your sanity must also be questioned if you co-sign Mrs. Clinton's habit of suggesting that John McCain would be a better president than Barack Obama.
For more hysterically extreme verbal examples of someone smearing their own fecal matter against the wall - one must not go any further than the blogs of Taylor Marsh and Larry Johnson. Marsh, a woman who I characterize as the Yolanda SaldÃvar of Hillary Clinton supporters - spends most of her time pushing Rezko non-stories, feigning outrage over Michele Obama's supposed lack of patriotism, proping up that nonsensical Sean Wilentz "Obama is playing the Race Card" article that my people over at halfricanrevolution mercilessly took out to the woodshed for its proper discipline - and other classless smears that would make the Swiftboat vets collectively want to take a shower after reading her site. Forget about the fact that she once sang Obama's praises, but after dedicating all of her energy to smearing the guy and trying to prove how unfit for office Obama is - in this post she almost sounded giddy when contemplating the possibility of him being Clinton's vice president. Seriously Taylor, Fuck you. Johnson's blog is of a similar vein, clumsy character assasinations that read more like a gossip column than the words coming from a guy who actually served in the C.IA. - this guy's low point, and there are many, is when he became the only person on the face of the earth who applauded Robert Johnson's(BET) ill-advised remarks about Obama.
A funny sidenote about both Taylor Marsh and Larry Johnson's blogs, I've noticed that when they provide music clips - more times than not the artist is African American. (You can't make this shit up) I don't know, It just makes me think that deep down they are fully aware of the steaming piles of excrement they've become with their gleeful embrace of the "smear merchant", and this is just their way of making everything right with the world. Nice try.
I don't know, call me crazy - but I think that Obama supporters are the sane ones here.
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..
Over the past three days, being bombarded with the non-scandal of the week that is "Pastor-gate", the mainstream media shamelessly regurgitating right wing talking points while FOX News has started using youtube clips of Rev. Jeremiah Wright as masturbatory material(I guess they were bored with "rubbing one out" to Mein Kampf) - I noticed that when white preachers denounce America, they are embraced, black preachers, not so much. As much as I'd like to think that Americans are smart enough to reject the guilt-by-association game, our fellow countrymen/women did elect the Barney Fife of presidents to two terms in office - so when you factor that in, I'd say that we all agree that Obama has to get in front of this in a very big way. So far he has done the right things, rejecting everything the pastor said that was inflammatory, writing a post on Huffington Post on Friday - that same night making the rounds on any cable news outlet that comes to mind to address the issue. That was just phase one, here is what I feel should be his second wave of political maneuvering when it comes the Rev Wright non-controversy - granted, I'm not a campaign manager but I play one on this blog.
"Make em' clap to this": Its commonly known that one of Obama's fiercest weapons in his political arsenal is his soaring oratory - I feel that it was a tactical error of him to be suckered into the whole "he has no substance" argument with Hillary, where he mistakenly ditched the rhetorical pirouettes for more meat and potato speeches. Here he can kill two birds with one stone, ignore Hillary's "empty suit" prodding and get back to making more youtube-worthy speeches - and address this pastor issue with the same sort of unifying public address that made people take notice when he gave the Keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.(Equipped with your garden variety anecdotes about his work with the Jewish Community, his multiracial background, etc.)
Be more of a media snake-charmer: Despite Barack Obama having a better grassroots organization than Hillary, a top notch ground game that has proven itself to be a force to be reckoned with based on all their Caucus victories, and his campaign's ability to figuratively print money when it comes to fundraising - the one area that Hillary has severely outclassed him in is her ability to work the media. Because of her spinmeisters, the media has bought into the narrative that Caucuses are less important than primaries, that states with large African American voting blocs are virtually meaningless - and that the fate of civilization as we know it rests on the Pennsylvania primary.
The "Brave New Films" youtube clip posted above, details how the FOX News smear merchants infect the rest of the mainstream media - true, a fundamentally lazy lot anyways, but its still inexcusable none the less. To both work the media and to inoculate himself somewhat from the smears he will face the the general election - he needs to partner up with "Brave New Films", cut an ad detailing FOX News' penchant for scraping the bottom of the barrell when it comes to political discourse - and deplore Americans everywhere to "reject divisiveness, and turn the page on the politics of yesteryear". Also, being that most of these smears originated on FOX, he needs to shame the mainstream media and begin to "work the refs" as they say - with something like, "Its a sad day in this great country of ours, when respected journalists start subscribing to "Sean Hannity"-style of journalism.."
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..
If Barack Obama's quest to become the Democratic nominee for President has taught me anything thus far, its that the last thing on earth I should be doing, outside of trying to rehabilitate a room full of female sex addicts - is acting as anyones campaign manager. When Obama failed to attack his opponents in some of the earlier debates, I exhaustively screamed at the screen as if I was watching a slasher flick at an all black theater - at the time I was convinced that he lacked a killer instinct, and because of that Dennis Kucinich would probably be around longer than him. Ok, I was wrong about that. After he lost New Hampshire, it was my contention that Obama should go the Tonya Harding route and kneecap former president Clinton for belligerently going around and distorting his record like a drunken frat-boy - he more or less did that, and we haven't seen much of Bubba since South Carolina. Then when John McCain used his wife, the seldom heard from Cindy McCain, to score cheap political points by saying that she loved America - a direct response to the Michelle Obama "..for the first time I'm proud of my country" non-story that the press regurgitated because of their fundamental laziness. I was convinced that Obama would have Michelle introduce him before he gave his Wisconsin victory speech, before handing over the microphone to her husband she would mention Mrs. McCain's pathetic grandstanding and tell the crowd that her husband represents a new type of politics. Obviously that didn't happen.
So every week, depending on the political developments of the preceding days - I'm going to give Barack Obama some campaign advice that I hope he'll find beneficial. If not, I'm sure him and his staff can sit back and laugh at my suggestions - and openly wonder how they can take the advice of a career alcoholic who once had sex at his fathers wake.
Campaign Surrogates, Go Big or Go home!: One thing I noticed when it comes to Hillary Clinton's surrogates, is that all of them feel extremely comfortable executing talking points - mercilessly attacking Obama on a plethora of issues as if it was second nature to them. Obama's surrogates on the other hand, their collective judgement possibly clouded by the "Clinton mystique" - never go for the jugular, and whenever they do get critical they preface their remarks with "..with all due respect to Senator Clinton.." No, No, No. My advice for the Obama campaign, heading into next week - is to get some surrogates out there who aren't scared to throw some serious punches - Obama can still perpetuate the "hope" message if his surrogates are willing to figuratively slice Achilles tendons and choke out Hillary's presidential arguments with spare telephone chords.
Play the Marriage Certificate Card: Hillary has been saying all along that while she is the one with experience, all Obama has is "that one speech he gave in 2002" - its time for the Obama campaign to poke proverbial holes in said experience. Being that Ms. Clinton held no security clearance, and the laundry list of issues that she claimed to have had a hand in during the 90's is disingenuous at best - its time for Obama to challenge her on this particular front. He should say, "While I have shown the proper judgment it takes to be commander in chief, by her vote authorizing the war in Iraq Hillary has not - matter of fact, she has the audacity to think that showing America her Marriage Certificate is experience enough. I don't think so."
Obliterate the "Dream Ticket" talk: The Clinton Campaign, Hillary and a handful of her surrogates - have made it their business this week to push this "Dream Ticket" theme. Obama has to aggressively knock this down for two Reasons: 1) This type of talk might de-energize some of Obama's voters, giving them a false sense of security that regardless what happens - Obama will be on the ticket anyway. and 2)Mrs. Clinton has said, repeatedly, that her and John McCain have "crossed the threshold" needed to become Commander-in-Chief - suggesting that Barack Obama is vastly unqualified. Obama needs to call her on this - suggest that her attacks lack substance and intellectual honesty, because how can he be grossly unprepared on one hand but you wouldn't mind the guy being your Vice President on the other.
Tina Fey, you are dead to me.
I'm not even going to lie to you, if there was one woman on the face of god's green earth able to dethrone Janeane Garofalo off the top of my "Quirky white women who would be worth black women's collective chastisement" list - it would specifically be "Saturday Night Live" alum Tina Fey. Even though historically I've only pelvic-ally underachieved on top of the likes of black and Latino women - there is something strangely erotic about the idea of occupying a bed with a woman who not only shares my love of Monty Python flicks but also occasionally goes on ill-advised "reparation" rants. I'm fully aware that Ms. Fey is a happily married women, but I always envisioned a scenario where she would ask me to join the writing staff of "30 Rock" after stumbling upon my blog one random day - and as she complimented me on a joke that I wrote where I characterized Stephanie Tubbs-Jones as "The Sammy Davis Jr of the Clinton Surrogates", all of a sudden a very innocent glance would turn into a passionate gaze. Before you know it, she'd be abandoning a successful career and a lovely family for an underachieving writer who looks like Lennox Lewis if he had a thyroid problem - and my mother would disown me, not for being with a white woman mind you, but for dedicating my personal and vibe blogs to the many benefits of interracial dating.
That being said, my school-boy crush for Ms. Fey received a rather punishing body blow last weekend as I watched the episode of SNL that Fey returned to host - calling that particular show a 90 minute shill job for Hillary Clinton's campaign is a gross understatement akin to saying that Mickey Mantle was a recreational drinker. First, let me tackle the debate sketch. Forget about the fact that a dread-locked lover of late-night snacking such as myself would have made a better Barack Obama than the actor who played him(Fred Armisen), the comedic recreation of the CNN debate was just a regurgitation of the "Barack is getting a free ride" meme that we've all been tirelessly bombarded with. One of the most astounding phenomenons, outside of Stonehenge, unexplainable crop circles, and the popularity of "Two and a Half Men" - is the universally embraced talking point that Obama is getting preferential media coverage. Sure, the guy is relatively new and people view his meteoric rise with understandable curiosity - but there are a few things to consider.
First off, if the roles were reversed and Barack Obama was the one who lost 11 straight contests, Democratic party elders and the media alike would be begging him to exit stage left - he'd be a darker version of Mike Huckabee, minus the bass guitar playing and the penchant for eating fried squirrels. Only a black man who was president of the Harvard Law Review and a professor of international politics would have an "empty suit" narrative promoted about him in the media incessantly - and despite a website that goes into painstaking detail concerning all of the man's purposed policies, many are left to believe that he's all rhetorical touches and no substance. Barack Obama could publicly burn effigies of Louis Farrakhan to prove that he is in no was affiliated with the man and that still wouldn't be enough, but when John McCain is endorsed by John Hagee, a man who said that Hurricane Katrina was "the Judgement of God against New Orleans" and that the Quran contains a "mandate to kill Christians and Jews" - he is neither asked to reject nor denounce him.(By the way, one of George W Bush's biggest endorsers has been Pat Robertson who once claimed the 9/11 was caused by "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People For the American Way." and that the acceptance of homosexuality could bring about "hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and a "possibly a meteor." - Russert would have never had the "man minerals" to ask Dubya to denounce that certifiable kook) Then you have the Tony Rezko non-story that the media aggressively masturbates all over, the way they try to maintain a straight face while suggesting that the Shady business man might bring down Obama's candidacy is rather giggle-worthy - especially when you think about the rogues gallery of shady characters littered throughout the landscape of Hillary's past. I've also noticed the "Gotcha!" game the media has started playing with Obama supporters, starting with Chris Matthews as he turned an interview in which the Senator from Texas, Kirk Watson, thought he'd be asked about Obama's Wisconsin primary win - but he quickly found out he'd be put through the Spanish inquisition instead. Ever since then, opportunistic reporters exposing a journalistic laziness usually found on gossip blogs - find some unassuming Obama supporter and ask them to dictate Obama's Senate record back verbatim, clumsily awaiting a desired outcome that reminds you of Gerald Rivera in front of Al Capone's vaults.(I did my own unscientific poll of Clinton supporters this past Saturday where I asked them to list some of Hillary's achievements - deers in fucking headlights I tell you. Granted, I did pose my question in a local watering hole, that mostly the intellectually inept frequent, around "last call" - so the alcohol could have been a contributing factor)
Back to Tina. During the "Weekend Update" section of the show, under the title of "Women's News" - there was my baby, Tina Fey, and I just knew that she was lace me with the same sort of comedic gems I usually receive from a garden variety episode of "30 Rock". But unfortunately, in her support of Hillary that I have absolutely no problem with - she just perpetuated the same hamfisted talking points regularly used against Barack Obama, just with more subtlety. When she asked, "Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama?", and then proceeded to list the possible reasons including a "co-presidency", her physical appearance, and people who think she is a "bitch" - it universally insulted the intelligence of the millions of Obama supporters who co-sign the junior Senator's candidacy for the highest office based on the issues. Then, when she ended the segment with "Bitch is the new black" I cringed, not because I couldn't see any scenario in which ornery and highly disagreeable ladies get a cab over your standard black person in New York City - but it just reminded me of how many times Hillary Clinton has shamelessly used the gender card. Whether it was the uncomfortable moment during the last debate when she referenced SNL and complained about always being questioned first, or her nightline appearance where she claimed that it was tougher being a woman running for president than a black man -for a second, just image the massive outrage and moral indignation if Obama ever decided to play the race card, even in a round about way.
Ok. Who am I bullshitting, nothing can suppress this chubby black man's affection for Tina Fey(unless she has a hidden affinity for Cross burnings or Lil Wayne albums that I don't know about) - I just wanted to let her know that I'm going to tell it like it is whenever we do get together.
Youtube politics
I'm sure everyone has seen the shameful Hillary Clinton "3 AM" ad by now, the one where she very gracefully plays the Rovian fear card - subtly suggesting that an Obama presidency would bring about nothing short of Armageddon. Even though the Obama campaign countered immediately with what I feel is a superb response ad, we here at Vibe.com(see: me) want to take it a step further. So here are three videos, one made by an Obama supporter where Bill Clinton seems to be giving Obama a futuristic endorsement back in 04' - and the other two video's are spoofs of the "3AM" ad.
(Hat tip to Bob Cesca and Lee Stranahan)
