April 2008 Archives
Barack Obama is not an elitist, I am..
After watching the utterly nonsensical coverage following the Pennsylvania Primary and surrounding the recent reemergence of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I'm starting to gain a new found respect for all those individuals who refuse to involve themselves in the political process at all. I'm as serious as a "dutch oven" executed by Mo'nique. To some people, passionately getting behind a candidate is akin to giving your heart to someone after years of being on the business end of one painful break-up after another - why get all jazzed up over a presidential nominee, only to get your heart ripped out of your chest when they come a few electoral votes short of Pennsylvania avenue? But sometimes, like the lonely throat-chop giving writer who went out and got himself a girlfriend because he talked about his penis entirely too much on his blog and masturbated like his genitalia had an expiration date on it, sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and openly support a candidate that you truly believe in.(See Barack Obama) But after witnessing the media coverage of Obama lately, I'm starting to understand why some people just don't fuck with politics at all. I mean, only a black man running for president would find himself responsible for everything an associate ever said - if Obama doesn't capture the nomination, I feel that our next hope for a black president will have to be someone groomed for the highest office in the land since birth. Like the attempted arranged marriage in "Coming to America", how else could we keep him away from shady slumlords in which he participated in no wrong-doing - or radicals who committed reprehensible things when he was a toddler?
Also, have you ever noticed that every Obama "scandal" that some pundit allows to escape their inept mandible always seems to be prefaced with some sort of clumsy contradictory statement? Like, "I know Obama loves this country and is patriotic, but... what's up with his refusal to wear a flag pin?" or "I'm absolutely positive that Barack Obama doesn't have a hateful bone in his body, but.. what's the deal with his preacher?" or "I fully understand what Barack Obama was saying when he said that people vote on wedge issues when they lose faith in their government, but.. that "bitter" comment.." What kind of media, Jedi mind-fuck is that exactly? Pure idiocy I tell you, apparently the mainstream media is as scared as Rupert Murdoch when it comes to prospect of having a black president.
But the one Obama criticism that really pissed me off was the whole "elitist" meme originally pushed by John McCain and Hillary Clinton - one candidate who has 8 houses and is married to a beer heiress worth 100 million dollars and another candidate who, with her husband, made 109 Million dollars over the past 7 years. On the surface the charge is ridiculous, a black man raised by a struggling single mother who often fed her son via foodstamps, who later passed up numerous opportunities to practice law at prestigious corporate firms to be a community organizer and a civil rights lawyer. But on a deeper level, the charge of "elitism" thrown at Obama acts as a racial dog-whistle as well - as my Vibe.com colleague Mark Anthony Neal succinctly states in a blog post entitled "Obama Elitist? I'm Hearing Something Else", what John McCain and Hillary Clinton are really telling voters is "this nigger thinks he's better than you!"
But as a person who wears my Hip Hop elitism like a fucking badge of honor, I didn't particularly appreciate the way the media wrongly characterized Obama as looking down on the common man - its a proverbial slap in the face to all of us who actually think that we are better than everyone else, solely on our Hip Hop tastes that is. Obama fields asinine questions about flag pins with infinite patience, but when someone waxes poetic about the lyrical prowess of Lil Wayne - my responses range from me vomiting inside my own mouth a little bit, open-palm mushing the person in question, or slashing my wrists with an imaginary knife as I fictitiously convulse and bleed out all over the place. When Tim Russert clumsily tried to hit Obama with the "gotcha" question in the form of "Louis Farrakhan", he very calmly claimed that he both rejected and denounced his support - I too had to publicly make my disapproval of someone public, by getting a free ticket to their concert, getting back stage as if I was going to interview the sub-par wordsmith for my Vibe blog, then dissing the fuck out of him by turning my back on him while posing in the illest B-Boy stance and as he extended his hand to greet me. Yes, I'm an asshole, an insufferable prick who makes utterly hate-able lists in his spare time consisting of what IS and Isn't Hip Hop. Barack Obama an Elitist? The junior Senator from Illinois doesn't have shit on me.
For example, sometimes I'll find myself in some random nightclub, and if the music being played suddenly gives me the sneaking suspicion that its going to be the soundtrack to my random stabbing - it isn't Hip Hop. If some monosyllabic rapper thinks that "swagger" has as much importance as having actual lyrical skill or moving a crowd, they aren't Hip Hop to me. Its my firm belief that if T-Pain guest stars on one of your songs, there is a 93.5 percent chance that you are not Hip Hop, its a scientific fact.(Ok, not really). For a long time I've contended, if an artist post 1991 comes out with a song instructing the listener to perform some sort of ridiculous dance routine - chances are, those motherfuckers aren't Hip Hop either. I once physically accosted a wedding DJ for playing a Jim Jones record, I've broken up with women in the midst of relatively healthy relationships simply because of their piss poor musical choices - during my friends funeral, as the preacher talked about my friend's love for Hip Hop he butchered the name of one of his main influences. So I corrected him be saying, "Its Big Daddy Kane fuckstick, get it right!" - to the dismay of hundreds of both shocked and severely pissed off mourners. The other night, when I picked my girlfriend up to go out to have dinner she was wearing a G-Unit t-shirt, I immediately made her change her clothes, questioned her for the next hour wondering if that was her way of passive aggressively breaking up with me, and made her recite the first verse of "Microphone Fiend". I don't let people forget about misguided album purchases or musical predictions, 17 years later I still occasionally call my friend Ron and say "Vanilla Ice, really??" - or very sarcastically say, "I'm loving that new Tracy Lee CD!! That's right, he doesn't have one.."
Obama has a long way to go when it comes to being an elitist.
I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..(Debate Edition)
Even though my physique suggests that I have a love affair with late night snacking, a habit that has prevented me from getting a complete look at my genitalia since the last episode of "Quantum Leap" - I don't want to confuse my readers when I say that people should always follow their gut. Deep down I knew that the love of my life was cheating on me behind my back, but I ignored all the tell-tale signs like her yawning during sex, me suddenly being unable to "touch the sides" during intercourse, and a gentleman who characterized himself as her "new boyfriend" who kept incessantly calling - I finally got the message as we both crossed paths, him moving things in while I moved my shit out. If I would have listened to my gut, I would have known that I was my father's least favorite child, despite all the years of being told that I'd never amount to anything, I still felt that there was an outside chance that the old guy had a soft spot in his heart for his youngest child. The gut hardly lies, I realized this when my father clutched my brother's hand while laying on his deathbed, saying: "You are the best son a father could ever have!" Ouch! Forget Farrakhan, having your father give his adopted son the stamp of approval over his blood child is the epitome of being both denounced and rejected.
Early yesterday, when I learned that George Stephanopoulos had been a guest on Sean Hannity's radio show, supposedly "taking notes" when that right-wing cock-stain suggested that he ask Obama about William Ayers and his participation in the Million Man March during the democratic debate - I just knew that last night's affair would be a nonsensical cluster-fuck, mostly about fucking flag-pins and clumsy guilt-by-association charges. Again, my gut was correct. As I watched the debate, getting more and more enraged as Charlie Gibson and Stephanopoulos peppered Obama with right-wing smears masquerading as legitimate questions, with Hillary piling on like the opportunist hack of a politician that she is - I was inspired to give Mr. Obama some campaign pointers as I usually do, thanks to last nights horrific debate.
Less Counterpunching, more sucker-punches: The only time I've spent behind bars has to do me ritualistically ruining my liver and a few physical altercations that momentarily put me in city lock-up - so I'm not going to pretend like I have any sort of extensive knowledge on the ins and outs of maximum security confinement. But speaking of "ins and outs", I've seen my fair share of "Oz" episodes to know that to keep your rectum echo-less and avoid holding another man's extended pocket as a sign of ownership, on the first day you have to find the biggest person you can find, and throw them one hell of an ass-whipping. Obama should employ this strategy, albeit momentarily. Listen, after last night, when Obama seemed to give her a pass on "Sniper-gate" and she still went all in with Farrakhan, The Weather Underground, and Reverend Wright - it became crystal clear to me that Hillary is trying to make Obama unelectable against McCain so she can run in 2012. My feeling is, if you get into a verbal spat with a fellow motorist and he hops out of his car with a tire iron in his hand, you can't fight that man as if he plans to give you a fair and above board ass-whipping, you have to fight him as if he plans to take your life. I'm well aware that part of Obama's appeal is his willingness to stay above the fray, but occasionally, to show Hillary and the Republican attack machine that he isn't fucking around - bring up sniper fire, Hillary saying "screw them" when referencing working class whites in 1995.Maybe even Norman Hsu, Peter Paul, or Marc Rich- if her silly ass really wants to play the guilt-by-association game.
Pivot to McCain, then taunt him: I'm well aware that Drudge isn't exactly the most reliable of sources, but I believe their recent report that McCain would rather face Hillary in November - that is why he has refused to obliterate her on "Sniper-gate" and other attackable issues. That being said, because I sincerely feel that Obama should pivot and attack John McCain as frequently as possible - he should taunt the 72 year old, especially considering his historically quick temper. Obama should say something like: "John McCain is an authentic war hero, he spent 5 and a half long years getting tortured in a Hanoi Hilton for this fine country of ours - a bravery that most of us, including me, can't even begin to fathom. That is why it comes as an absolute shock to my campaign that a man with bravery in spades is scared to face me in the fall, sources say that he's told his closest aides he'd rather face Hillary and now barely attacks her because of it - Come on John, you've faced worse than little ole me."
Play the "Six Degress of McCain" game as well: It seems to me, especially if you are a black candidate running for president, that any person that you've ever known who fails to follow the DMV handbook religiously or doesn't volunteer at soup kitchens on the weekends or doesn't mid-wife pregnant horses - will be your political downfall at some point in your campaign. That being said, if the media is going to put so much stock in the guilt-by-association game, its time to compile a list of shady characters that John McCain has ever crossed paths with as well. He's been serving the public for a long time so it can't be hard. Obama's campaign should start name dropping a few of those unsavory characters, not saying that that strategy should be aggressively pushed - but letting the McCain camp know that obsessing over William Ayers might get you fucked up is only a good thing.
Rating Barack Obama Non-Scandals
One thing that truly boggles the mind, besides the success of CBS's "Two and a Half Men" and the fact that not every stripper you come across accepts money for sexual favors, is the commonly regurgitated theme that Barack Obama had at one time received a "free ride" from the news media. Sure, he was a relatively new face in politics and people desperately wanted to know more about the Junior Senator from Illinois, but don't confuse that with the media ever being in the tank for Obama. Because to the trained eye nothing could be further from the truth. For one thing, like most star black athletes who are called "disruptive" when they publicly call out teammates, when their white counterpart is described as "showing leadership" for doing the exact same thing - I noticed that Obama was immediately a victim of the "adjective game" by many in the mainstream media. If Hillary was telling a group of supporters that she was the only candidate who could reform health care because of her years of experience on the matter, or if John McCain expressed in some interview how he was best positioned out of all the candidates to protect America based on his foreign policy credentials - both of them, more times than not, were characterized as being "confident". Obama on the other hand, exuding the same levels of confidence when talking about his ability to bring people together, or how he is the only candidate who can beat McCain come November, is often characterized as "arrogant" or "cocky". Out of the three remanding candidates, Obama is the only one I've ever seen described as "whining" when he responds to attacks, just further outlining how many people are truly threatened by an assertive black person.(See Michelle Obama). Then there was Farrakhan. You know what, they'd only ask a black guy to disassociate himself from a person who he has never had a personal relationship with - I'm fully expecting Tim Russert, during one of the presidential debates when Obama takes on McCain to ask Barack - "Do you denounce and reject the support of Malik Jenkins, who lives off of 11th and Grand, you know - the one that lives right next to the Stop-N-Go? He has said some questionable things.." In 2000 and 2004, there were more prominent religious leaders who thought that homosexuality sparked national disasters than you could shake a stick at - scores of evil malcontented bastards who though a church podium masked their verbal venom - most of those bottom feeders supported Bush wholeheartedly, and he was neither asked to denounce nor reject them by Mr Russert.
But something I've also noticed, a Hillary Clinton campaign tactic that has been embraced by the press for the most part, are all the faux scandals invented to sink Barack Obama's path to the nomination. I've rated a few of them for you on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most ludicrous. Enjoy.
Kinder-gate: Right before the Iowa caucuses, after realizing that her "I'm not going to attack my opponents" stance was about to fail miserably, Hillary Clinton's campaign tried to paint Obama as deceitful based on one of his kindergarten essays entitled "I want to be president" - a complete contradiction to his claim that his presidential aspirations were only a couple of years old.
HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal rating: (9) Sometimes people need to eliminate "yes men" from their inner circle and surround themselves with people who will tell them the truth when ideas truly suck, (See Tyler Perry and Lil Wayne) - granted, I'm an Obama supporter, but this was a bit of a stretch. A Pilate's stretch.
Reagan-gate: In an interview with the Reno Gazette-Journal right before the Nevada caucuses, Obama said the following about Ronald Reagan: "I think Ronald Reagan changed the trajectory of America in a way that Richard Nixon did not and in a way that Bill Clinton did not. He put us on a fundamentally different path because the country was ready for it."
HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating: (5) Sometimes I feel that Obama should be more Jay-Z and less Talib Kweli in terms of occasionally dumbing down his rhetoric, he's an extremely thoughtful politicians who intellectually approaches problems - which is great for all the true thinkers amongst us, but its an absolute nightmare when stupid people and disingenuous political opportunists still exist. In the context of the interview, he was saying that he will be a transformational figure like Reagan - in a sense that Reagan got democrats to vote against their best interests, Obama feels that he could garner republican votes in the exact same fashion. But of course Hillary, and to some extent John Edwards pounced - because saying something nice about a man I once characterized as the "antichrist" does score you some cheap political points.
Snub-gate: During President Bush's last State of The Union address, as Hillary Clinton reached her hand out to Sen. Edward Kennedy - Obama was photographed with his back to the junior Senator from the state of New York. Hence, "Snub-Gate".
HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating:(8) If there is one thing we have learned about Obama during this primary season is that he isn't petty. He has maintained, at least publicly, a level of respect for Hillary despite Bill's race-baiting, Hillary's shifting argument that Florida and Michigan should be counted - along with her incoherent claims that small states, states with black people in them, and caucuses don't count. That's what makes this "scandal" ridiculous.
Copy-gate: In response to Hillary Clinton's claim that all Obama could do is give speeches, he forcefully responded with what is now characterized as the "Just words" speech - an oratory that borrowed some of the same lines that his friend Deval Patrick once used. Naturally, Hillary Clinton charged Obama with plagiarizing.
HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating: (6) For one thing, how is it plagiarism if the guy you borrowed from is a friend of yours who also gave you permission? Even though on one level I think it was clumsy of Obama, but still - the guy wrote two books and writes most of his speeches, I don't think he needs any lectures from a woman who used a ghostwriter to pen her latest book.
Wright-gate: Do I really need to go into detail about Reverend Wright? What, have you been living under a rock? Bloody fucking savages.
HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating: (
First things First
The details surrounding the loss of my virginity is confusing to say the least, there are so many miscellaneous sexual events that I was privy to in my formidable years that it severely clouds my ability to pinpoint the exact moment in which I became a man - it might seem like a truly semantic argument to many, but like most things concerning your favorite bloggers favorite blogger, this particular matter is hardly a black and white issue. I'm aware that your garden variety normal person would consider simple insertion as the precise moment a young man loses his virginity, but because I'm not your average person, a career douche-bag with more pubescent incidents than I care to name where low self-esteem having dalliances momentarily let me "stick the tip in" - I not only refuse to add those to the notches already on my enormous Chewbacca-sized gun belt, but to highlight one of those fleeting moments as me crossing the "man threshold" is akin to Hillary Clinton adding Michigan to her win column even though Obama's name wasn't even on the fucking ballot. Sometimes when I accidentally stumble upon the Maury Povich show, watching some Midwestern trailer trash teen who has proceeded to fellate 90% of the men in her small town without ever being vaginally penetrated - sometimes I openly question the standards in which we historically measure a person losing their respective virginity. That being said, because I took it upon myself on numerous occasions to give unsanctioned mustache rides, along with other perverse acts an unlicensed GYN might perform before intercourse ever became an option for me - that unseemly reality also throws a monkey wrench into my "virginity time-line" so to speak. So I finally decided to count the first time I participated in intercourse that lead to a standard "conclusion" as the time I legitimately lost my virginity - I had just turned 15 years old, and the young lady who cleared my path to manhood was one of my classmates named Joanne.
Over the last 17 years Joanne had only crossed my mind a dozen or so times, but I always figured that if we both found ourselves on the business end of an impromptu meeting it would consist of nothing but witty banter, pitch perfect reflection and introspection - kind of like an urban version of one of those Ethan Hawke "Before Sunset" movies, both of us walking through a beautiful park while discussing how a two minute sexual encounter has shaped our lives. Unfortunately, real life encounters are far less exciting or intriguing as their fictitious counterparts - as I gazed at a familiar looking woman between a set of Barnes & Nobles book shelves, I finally gathered up enough courage and clumsily approached her while uttering the regrettable: "Hey, aren't you the first chick I underachieved on? Take a bow Ma'am, you are like the Marco Polo of my pre-ejaculation!" Unexpectedly, she grabbed my arm and rushed me to the nearest unoccupied area of the store as if I was a fighting student being disciplined by a school marm, angrily mumbling under her breath - "What in the fuck is wrong with you asshole? My husband will be back in the store any moment!" I apologized, but quickly answered her anger with "Come on, how often does a guy get an opportunity to speak to the only woman he genuinely tried to please?" Her frown slowly turned into a semi-smile as she said, "..but you were so adorable though!" - before I could object to the mere utterance of an adjective that any red blooded American male wouldn't want associated with their erect penis, a word usually reserved for pictures of sleeping puppies of your child's first bowel movement - she hit me with following rapid-fire questions: "Do you remember how you kept putting the condoms on backwards? How unbelievably quick it was? How you kept insisting that we have sex to Biz Markie's ""Biz is going Off"? Based on the fact that I still nervously fumble with condoms like Barney Fife on Ritalin, and consistently play Public Enemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome" before making love with the sole intent of finishing before Chuck D reaches the respective hook - I had to openly admit to Joanne that not much has changed since the last time she was clumsily penetrated on a set of Superfriends bedsheets. It was obvious to me that Joanne wanted to laugh, but as soon as she noticed the seriousness in my baby brown eyes she then proceeded to give me an extremely warm "you pitiful bastard" embrace - walking away she suddenly stopped, slowly turn to me and asked: "There has to be some satisfying firsts in your life?" Hence this post, but don't worry - all these have to do with music.
First Record I ever purchased: The Sugar Hill Gang: "Rappers Delight": I'm fully aware that when a person admits that "Rappers Delight" was my their first musical purchase it comes across as utterly cliche like someone saying that the Bible is their favorite book, or that "Me Myself and I" is their favorite De La Soul song - but like the sobering reality of God deciding to make me the anatomical exception and not the rule in terms of black males, sometimes you just have to come to grips with the truth. Even when you factor in the nature of how The Sugar Hill Gang was put together like a boy band, or the blatant theft of Big Bank Hank's verse - I'm still proud of that purchase because it was indicative of how I feel that Hip Hop personally chose me. I mean, being from Virginia I didn't have the luxury of any "..and then the DJ plugged his turntables into the light pole" stories to tell people - so like so many kids outside of the mecca of Hip Hop, I had to create my own Hip Hop reality.
First Album I ran into the ground: Hall & Oates "Private Eyes": One of the things that worries me about the prospect of marriage, outside of my future wife leaving me because of my alcoholism and penchant for occasionally coming home smelling like stale sweat with stripper glitter all over my clothes - is the thought of her giving me the proverbial pink slip because I tend to run my favorite musical choices into the ground. A habit that started as a kid, for an entire school year I would play Hall and Oates' "Private Eyes" while waiting for my school bus - a daily routine that absolutely infuriated my mother. Historically abused animals flinch when you try to pet them, veterans of wars come home with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders - because of the many times I played that classic album from the Philadelphia based duo, my mother has profanity laced tourettes outbursts as soon as she hears any song from that "Private Eyes" album.
First song I dedicated to a school crush: George Michael "Careless Whisper": For a guy who went to private schools for 9 years straight, more often than not finding myself being the only black kid in a sea of white faces - I wouldn't hold it against you if you assumed that my dating history was littered with melanin challenged women who thought that police officers only pull over black folks for legitimate reasons. Even though I've only sexually disappointed black and Latina women thus far, my first crush was on a white girl named Kirsten - an overdeveloped 5th grader who barely spoke 4 words to me the entire school year. Even as a person like myself who is comfortable in his own sexuality, it is a bit unsettling to now realize that George Michael probably wrote "Careless Whisper" about another man - but that was the song I dedicated to Kirsten on a local radio station. I even recall singing the words while staring at her picture, how embarrassing - its like a bad urban coming to age comedy, if Tyler Perry and John Hughes directed a movie together.
First song I punched someone to while attending a random High School dance: Beastie Boys - "Paul Revere": Back in High School, when I was 85 pounds lighter and could actually catch a clear view of my entire penis - your boy HumanityCritic, world renown for the time honored "throat-chop", had a bully. Kind of. Because running track was the most important thing in my life at the time, I resisted fighting this asshat named Reggie - who would constantly disrespect me by trying to hug on my girlfriend at the time, telling people that I was "bitch-made"(if I can borrow a west coast term for a moment) for not forcefully putting him in his place. This went on all year, its like I was stuck in my own "Groundhog Day" - until I decided to do something about it at one of our High School dances that I knew he'd be attending. There I was in a packed gymnasium, with cheap flashing lights occasionally highlighting my angry scowl from bright tints of yellow to subdued red hues - I walked towards Reggie, wading through my fellow classmates, holding a 2X4 like I was Hacksaw Jim Duggan or some shit.(How's that for a wrestling reference?) When I got to him there was no tough guy banter, no "..this is for all the times you disrespected me", none of that - just me treating his head like a negro pinata, with this time the only treats that came out of it was his two front teeth. You haven't lived until you've beaten someone to "Paul Revere"
