September 2008 Archives
The Debate Drinking Game(The John McCain edition)
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm HumanityCritic and I'm an alcoholic. Granted, my alcoholism is not nearly as bad as it was eight years ago when my old man passed and my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Every single night throwing back the strongest liquor available as if I was Nick Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas", later waking up on some strange park bench, in some strange woman's bed, or on some miscellaneous bar floor after a stranger didn't particularly appreciate my dry wit and sarcasm. Even though I now only imbibe alcohol on the weekends, the words of an otherwise forgettable 7th grade health teacher haunt me every time I put a bottle to my soup-coolers: "If you find yourself drinking on schedule, constantly planning when you're going to indulge in the spirits - you're an alcoholic!" Boy, if Mr Chowns could see me now. I mean, its one thing to be an alcoholic when you're a wildly successful writer like Ernest Hemingway, people buying into that "tortured artist" bullshit as your bank account expands and you suddenly find yourself swimming in so many panties from women who openly reject PETA that you could open up your a chain of "Lane Bryant's". But nothing is sexy about a struggling alcoholic writer. I'm some person held a memory close to their heart concerning the time they heard one of Truman Capote's drunken boasts first hand until their dying day. I wonder how many Cubans told their closest family and friends about the time they got shitfaced with Ernest Hemingway half a century ago? There is no such allure attached to a guy who once threw up on a woman during sex, drunkenly admitted at a friends wedding that I slept with his mother when I was a teenager, or any other shenanigans for that matter - not when you're a struggling writer who blogs about people who are inferior based on their musical tastes and my penchant for alphabetizing my pornography collection.
I'm aware that graveyards are filled with the skeletons of people who were disingenuous when they were alive, claimed that they'd stop drinking years before their livers finally gave out, I know - but I truly plan on stopping after the New Year. I would stop sooner, but like billions of drunks that came before me, I wrestle with the fact that I intensely love something that is absolutely killing me at the same time. I mean, when I rolled that handicapped man into traffic after he said "Rakim sucks" - I would have never done something that heinus if I was sober. Last week, as I argued with some racist republican who claimed that blacks would riot in the streets if any harm ever came of Obama because "that's all you guys know!" - I commenced in punching him in the face 5 good times with sniper-like accuracy. See If I was sober I would have realized that assaulting him was simply proving his point, and would have probably stuck to breaking him down verbally. But what fun is that exactly? I never would have found the courage to battle a local MC at his own show and openly question the sanity of his 14 fans if stuck to drinking soda.
But for health reasons, and for the fact that I haven't had a clear view of my penis since Cross Color jeans were fashionable, I'm going to have to incorporate more asshole moments that aren't alcohol induced. That being said, I plan on finding new and innovative ways to get absolutely plastered between now and the end of the year - like a drinking game inspired by John McCain's verbal ticks in tonight's debate.
Take a shot of your favorite liquor every time..
John McCain brings up his POW experience: John McCain's time in a Hanoi Hilton should never be denigrated, and even people like me who are his staunchest critics have to admire his heroism during his time in captivity. That being said, not only do I reject the notion that somehow being a POW is a qualification to be president, but also the flimsy claim regurgitated by the press that John McCain is uneasy to use it for political gain. Bullshit, he uses it all the time - his campaign has uses it every time they don't have a sufficient enough comeback to an Obama campaign charge. When the Obama campaign pounded McCain about him not knowing how many houses he owned, the countered with "This is a guy who lived in one house for 5 and a half years, in prison!" Jesus Christ. Rudy Giuliani has 9/11, John McCain has his POW experience. Take a shot every time Mr. McCain brings up this sad chapter in his life.
John McCain utters the phrase "Country First": One thing that I wish Obama would point out is how John McCain "the soldier" is a hero while John McCain "the candidate" is a spineless coward. Whenever John McCain uses the term "Country First", it is directly questioning Barack Obama's patriotism. No doubt about it. But when interviewers have directly asked McCain whether he's attacking Obama's love of the country or not, he feigns outrage - as if you are accusing him of the unthinkable. Because of his POW experience people give him a pass on this steaming pile of bullshit. Anyway, tonight throw one back every time he uses the phrase "Country First".
John McCain talks about "The surge": To mask the fact that he was a cheerleader of one of the biggest foreign policy disasters in our nations history, he's spent the better part of his campaign championing the "success" of the surge and his correct judgement in supporting it. Lobotomized journalists have even fallen for John McCain's butchering of the facts and asked Obama why he can't bring himself to admit that the surge worked. Expect the surge to be talked about with great emotion and pride by John McCain tonight, despite the fact that the Sunni Awakening and the Shiite government going after the militias well before the surge helped reduce the violence. Not to mention that the success of the surge hinged on a changing political landscape in Iraq, that hasn't happened. That being said, take one to the head every time John McCain mentions "The Surge" tonight.
John McCain uses the phrase "My friends" in a sentence: This is for hardcore alcoholics only.
Sexual Positions inspired by the McCain Campaign
When I was single for all those years, I never burdened myself with all the pressures that come with pleasing my respective sexual partners. Recollections of my coital dalliances during that time period are nothing but blurry drug induced episodes to me, both truly entertaining and cringe-worthy affairs where I found myself only moments later aggressively brushing my tongue with my toothbrush and then proceeding to openly contemplate the possible dangers of scrubbing ones genitalia with an S.O.S pad. Just imagine if "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" was about a germaphobic writer who liked to fuck. I mean, I've always been somewhat of a selfish lover. When I first lost my virginity not only did I tell the young lady to "climb aboard" as if my pelvic area was some sort of pleasure craft, but I also sternly grabbed her face with the intensity of a losing football coach and unfortunately uttered the words "You're about to make history baby!!!" But because my sexual encounters either involved women who I couldn't give two impromptu bowel movements about, or women who I'd respectfully categorize as "sexual entrepreneurs" - the furthest thing from my mind was reciprocity, so creating new and exciting sexual positions for the women I clumsily thrusted on top of wasn't even on my radar. So lets just say that my world was turned upside down when I finally got a girlfriend after a 6 year relationship hiatus.
Creating intricate schematics in my mind on how to get a woman out of my house as soon as I ejaculated turned into post coital conversations about the amazingly boring day that she had. Haggling over prices like I was dealing with a Pawn shop owner turned into me confiding in my new girlfriend about my shameful history of sex that required receipts.(With her openly wondering if making me get one AIDS test was enough) I used to avoid the post coital wet spots with the same elusiveness that Sarah Palin displays after she's been asked specific questions about foreign policy - I suddenly found myself at times laying in those same wet spots, even though I eagerly tried to suppress the rising vomit in the process. But more importantly, I finally had a sexual partner worth inventing some rather creative sexual positions for.
Like "The Bill Belichick", the act of making love while wearing a really frumpy hoody and uttering eyebrow-raising pillow-talk in a dull monotone voice - "Punch me in the nuts while reading me my Miranda rights!". "The Smurf Grip" is when the woman, after listening to hours of begging and pleading, very calmly reaches over and gives the man a complimentary tug to quiet that whining malcontent. "The Outbreak Monkey" is when a woman is kind enough to fulfill a man's sexual urge, despite the fact that he has a 103 fever and happens to be leaking out of every orifice. "The Jarobi", named after the forgotten member of "A Tribe Called Quest", was what I called it when my old lady wanted to be left alone while she handled her "business" - I was still part of the team, but I had no specific role to speak of. Lastly, "The Anne Heche" is what I characterized my habit of asking my girlfriend to talk about the lesbian affair that she had in college during sex - it annoyed the shit out of her but it got me more excited than the opening night of a Kevin Smith Movie. Unfortunately we've broken up and moved on to greener pastures(the split was as amicable as could get by the way), and I'm faced with the prospect of either reverting to my old lecherous self when I was without a girlfriend or transforming into a half way decent and considerate single person. I was thinking, maybe the key to me being a more reciprocal lover when I'm single hinges on whether or not I continue my habit of creating sexual positions. Here are a few that I've created inspired by John McCain's presidential campaign.
"The Hanoi Hilton": I'm not sure if these girls were brought into this country legally, but there is a lapdance joint across town where damn near every single woman there is Vietnamese. I mean, they're all cute enough, and I don't discriminate - my lap is like the Statue of Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses" and shit. But I keep going there because I'm intrigued. The same way that Darryl Hannah's character in "Splash" learned English by watching television commercials - by the slang and absurd references to modern day sub-par Hip Hop, I get the feeling that these silly chicks unfortunately learned how to speak English by watching B.E.T. Its comedy gold let me tell you. Nothing is funnier than having a Vietnamese girl ask you in broken English if your prescription glasses are "Stunna Shades". That being said, I can see myself reverting to my old ways of receiving receipts after sex, especially on those cold winter nights - lets just hope that my residence doesn't become the "Hanoi Hilton"
"The bridge to nowhere": Ladies, I'm a prick, and I'm pretty sure that this post isn't going to particularly endear me to the feminist community. That being said, I can't tell you how many times I've been sitting on my most comfortable couch while being serviced by some low self-esteem having young lady and tried to rest something on their backs to see if I could get away with it. Plates, ashtrays while I smoke, etc. More times than not the young lady in question rightfully got up and punched me dead in the face, letting me know that that particular maneuver was pointless. Hence "The Bridge to Nowhere"
"The 'Drill Baby Drill'": Being that my nickname for my genitalia has always been "the black myth ruiner", I've always given my sexual partners a rather bewildered look as they passionately urge me to go deeper - its like asking a homeless man to pay your fucking mortgage. That being said, women have been begging me to employ this technique years before John McCain even thought about running for president.
"The Levi Johnston": I can sympathize with Bristol Palin's boyfriend, I too have unsuccessfully tried to convey a public image that completely contradicts what my myspace page says. After a date, when I asked a woman if she wanted to go back to my house or hers, she snidely replied "Aren't you going to fuck me in the backseat of your muscle car?" When I was trying to convince this hippy peacenik who abhorred violence that I followed the teaching of Gandhi, she looked at me and sarcastically asked "When do you ever find time to administer your paralyzing throatchops when you aren't practicing civil disobedience?" Before I could even lie to this one woman and wax poetic about how much I absolutely adore kids, she reminded me of the blog where I said: "If I ever write a children's book, its going to be titled "Will just sit your fucking ass down somewhere!"
"The Townhall": You know that you've gotten the asshole seal of approval when a catholic priest once called you a "piece of shit" in front of other children and your own mother affectionately refers to you as "an insufferable prick". They're both right, and a lot of my ex lovers would co-sign their sentiments. I mean, I can't tell you how many times a woman has stopped me in the middle of sex just so we could have an in depth discussion about what I had just done. "Why would you think that "Welcome to the Terrordome" is appropriate mood music?" "Why would you keep checking your condom and then proceed to say "I've seen some of your ex-boyfriends, life's too short!" "When I told you that you were only the fourth man I've been with, why did you say "Bullshit! You need Chewbacca's ammo belt to hold all your notches on that motherfucker!!""
Barack Obama and the Bruce Lee Counterpunch
Last week, in a post that I wrote for Vibe.com entitled "My Unsolicited Advice to Camp Obama: Sarah Palin", I suggested what a lot of Obama supporters were saying at the time. That Barack Obama would be much better served keeping his eye on the ball and solely attacking John McCain. My fear then was that even the most innocent reference of the Governor of Alaska, no matter how fair and politically legitimate, would induce clumsy cries of sexism from the McCain campaign. Nonsensical charges that the no account media would shamelessly devour the same way they always digest politics devoid of anything closely resembling substance. Well, I was about half right. Now that I've had some time to think about it, I was absolutely wrong about Obama's need to ignore Palin. As long as the media sat there with their collective thumbs up their asses as Sarah Palin tried to unfairly define herself as a "Maverick"(She originally supported the "Bridge to Nowhere", collected $27 Million in earmarks for her 6,000 person town in Wasilla) - if Obama had truly ignored her, Palin would have successfully transformed herself into a Moose hunting version of Norma Rae and shit. Obama couldn't let that happen. But when it came to my assessment that the McCain campaign would characterize any criticism as "sexsim", whether it had to do with Sarah Palin or not, was pretty spot on.(Even though it didn't exactly require a crystal ball or your garden variety clairvoyant to see that one coming.) We witnessed a bit of that over the last couple of days by Team McCain when Barack Obama used the phrase "..you can't put lipstick on a pig" while referring to John McCain unbelievable attempt to recast himself as an agent of change - charges of "sexism" came both fast and furious. Like my colleague Jeff Chang so succinctly put it yesterday, "The Silly Season is In".
Listen, I'm pretty sure that Barack Obama receives so much Monday Morning Quarterbacking from folks like me and those of my ilk, that as soon as he hears the first syllable of the word "suggestion" he probably vomits inside his mouth just a little bit. But the other day, as I got completely baked while watching "Enter the Dragon" with a 40 something divorcee who lives down the street(don't ask), I was reminded of a common Bruce Lee characteristic that Obama should be exhibiting every time he is falsely accused of "sexism", or any other laughable charge for that matter. Have you ever noticed that Bruce Lee's most damaging punches are almost always when he was counter-striking? Using the other person's force against them, most of the time exposing their weaknesses. Wild right punches would be met with Bruce very cavalierly stepping to the side and smashing you in your snot box with a demoralizing left punch. Grabbing Bruce from behind without a particular game-plan to speak of would leave him the option of breaking some of his opponents ribs with some well placed elbows, even possibly backward headbutts or stomps to the instep to make his point that much clearer. I feel that Obama should implore the exact same strategy, pivot off of fundamentally baseless attacks, and effectively counterstrike with a substantively damaging arsenal.
For example:
1. 
Even though the legislation was not sponsored by Barack Obama, it never became law, and it was originally designed to warn children about sexual predators - McCain has a sleezy ad out saying that Obama wants to teach sex-ed to kindergarteners.
Suggested Bruce Lee Counter Punch: Have an ad blasting John McCain for lying, and at the end have the commentator ask "Why is John McCain siding with pedophiles?"
2. This whole lipstick on a pig business, or any other felonious attempt to cry sexism to mask Sarah Palin basically being Dan Quale with a ponytail..
Suggested Bruce Lee Counterpuch: A Campaign ad referencing John McCain's horrendous record when it comes to equal pay for women, the time he responded with "good question" after a woman who aked him "How are we going to beat the bitch?" referencing Hillary Clinton, the time he had said he was going to "beat Hillary like a drum", and the million other knuckle-dragging statements the Arizona Senator has uttered in his extremely lengthy lifetime.
3. Whenever John McCain, his campaign manager, or one his surrogates are asked about the nasty tone that the political campaigns have taken - more times than not they will blame Barack Obama for not accompanying John McCain in those phony joint townhalls he had proposed months ago. Suggesting that this political season would be a case study in civility if Obama had simply agreed to them. Is it me, or does this all have a creepy "I wouldn't have done it, if she wearing wearing such a tight skirt" rapist feel to it?
Suggested Bruce Lee Counterpuch: Go after Karl Rove. Despite the fact that he's been somewhat vague about his relationship with the McCain campaign, he is completely on board, do not get it twisted. Obama should directly target Karl Rove in campaign ads, flash images of what Karl Rove's handywork(getting Bush elected) has resulted in - Home forclosures, Abu Ghraib, Katrina, insert your favorite abomination. End the ad explaining that John McCain has chosen to hire the same rogues gallery of douchebags who smeared his family in 2000. Let americans come to their own conclusions on what that particularly says about John McCain's "character".
My Unsolicited Advice to Camp Obama: Sarah Palin
After emerging from a four day drinking binge brought on by my 35th Birthday(August 31st), now having to deal with the fresh memories of tongue kissing strange women who I'd usually refuse innocuous hugs to, and other random acts of douchebaggery that will have me apologizing to my friends from now until Christmas time - I find that the main topic of conversation has shifted from Barack Obama's brilliant acceptance speech to John McCain's Vice Presidential Pick Sarah Palin. First of all, as an outside observer who has waited until right now to blog about the Alaska Governor, watching the unfavorable details of her life continuously drip out like a leaky faucet - it feels like I'm watching the 2008 version of "Married with Children". A ditsy wife(The Pledge of Allegiance hiccup, not knowing what a Vice president does) married to guy who has a penchant for throwing a "few back" every now and then(he had a DUI years ago), and a feisty daughter who undoubtedly likes to get her unadulterated fuck on. Real talk, if it turns out that one of her sons has a penchant for reciting malformed lyrics while referring to himself as "Grandmaster B", my fucking head is going to explode. I mean, Obama had it right yesterday when he emphatically said that family is off limits. As much as I want to win this election, I agree with Senator Obama, Bristol Palin's pregnancy is a family matter and shouldn't be meticulously picked over by the press the same way a vulture might pick over a rotting carcass. That being said, there will be no pity parties from me the likes of me though. Imagine for one moment that Obama was the one who had a pregnant teenage daughter. The same right wing bloviators who are crying crocodile tears when they aren't exhibiting other forms of histrionics over the media coverage of Bristol Palin, would openly question Obama's "Family values" and equate the unplanned pregnancy with his subpar parental abilities. Even dropping ads with the tag-line "If he can't properly lead his own daughter, how does he plan to lead the country?"
Another reason I'm not exactly the most sympathetic in terms of the media's watchful eye of the Palin's, is all the scrutiny Michelle Obama has received over the past year - and the nonexistent criticism thrown in Todd Palin's direction. Michelle Obama was called "unpatriotic" because of an inartful attempt to express her love for her country, and Todd Palin can be a card carrying member of AIP,(Alaska Independence Party)a radical group that advocates for Alaskan secession from the United States - and there isn't a fucking peep. Like I said, save the pity parties.
That being said, lets get the reason for the Palin pick and how to counter it. First off, forget about the steaming pile of spin coming from Camp McCain that they picked Sarah Palin because of her "intriguing story" and her appeal to working class voters. Their misguided and rushed choice was because they wanted to change the narrative off of Obama's brilliant acceptance speech, but more importantly, they made the deadly mistake of listening to too many of those inbred PUMA members and thought that they actually had a chance to woo the Hillary Clinton supporters who don't want to go back to a time when there were ritualistic cross burnings. Petulantly impulsive, like that girl you break up who proceeds to inform you a week later that she got her revenge on you by blowing 14 guys in a club parking lot - you're the one with, um, "egg" on your face! So now that it looks as though women aren't as hopelessly gullible as the McCain camp would have hoped, now they are going to try to make the argument that takes more sack than a Hall of Fame full of linebackers: That she has more experience than Obama. Even though her speech tonight will be a smashing success, based on the bar being as low as most midget limbo contests, Obama will still find himself residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If he listens to my unsolicited advice that is.
"Cause people from a distance can't tell who is who": The whole Jay-Z quote from "The Takeover": "A wise man told me don't argue with fools, cause people from a distance can't tell who is who!" Barack Obama should simply ignore Sarah Palin, and for that matter the McCain camp as a whole, every time they make the Pilates reach of an argument that the Governor from Alaska has more experience than him. They need to keep their collective eyes on the ball, and continue to take every available opportunity to link John McCain to George Bush - because engaging in silly back and forth about Obama's experience as opposed to Palin's just gives relevance to their glass licking argument. No responses, no campaign commercials - let the surrogates, and responsible members of the media dismantle that flimsy claim.
"You are dead to me Fredo": How many times have we witnessed some wildly unpopular rapper desperately try to make a name for himself and diss an already established MC? I've always noticed that a non response is the most insulting, because it suggests that the new provocateur wasn't even worth their fucking time. Its not that Obama should disregard her in a condescending way, but a forceful counter-strike to any number of Pailn's future attacks could be turned around as they trying to bully a woman. Team Obama should either use female surrogates like Claire McCaskill, or possible Hillary Clinton(if she'd be on board) to brunt any attack - or either preface their rebuttal with what exactly Palin had stated.(So people would know that a response was warranted)
Debate: Biden vs Palin: The conventional wisdom is that Joe Biden will drink Sarah Palin's milkshake in a debate. It is also conventional wisdom that he could severely overplay his hand and appear condescending, thus winning her some sympathy points among millions of important American viewers.(Something that I feel won't happen since Biden had ample experience debating Hillary Clinton.) That being said, he does have to be careful. Let her trip herself up , and ever so often Biden should slip his impressive resume into the conversation: "Once, around the time I called Slobodan Milosevic a war criminal to his face...."
*Extra*: On MSNBC, Chuck Toddy, Mike Murphy, and Peggy Noonan criticize the Palin Pick while not knowing their mics were still hot.
