The Nappy Diatribe

Black Hillary Clinton surrogates remind me of the KRS-One song "Black Cop"

Mon, 05 May 2008 14:40:55 -0500

KRS-One: "Black Cop"
Unfortunately, as a guy who has had his fair share of physical altercations in my day, whether its smashing beer bottles over the heads of disgruntled bar patrons like it was an Olympic sport, or rolling a wheelchair bound man into rush hour traffic simply because he refused to acknowledge that Rakim was the greatest rapper ever - lets just say that I'm on a first name basis with some of Virginia Beach's finest. The one thing I've noticed, when I'm not being aggressively frisked, thrown against a police car, or being asked whether or not I threatened the life a person I assaulted based on their new found silence and refusal to press charges - is that the last two kinds of people you want pulling you over is a female police officer or a black police officer. Don't get it twisted, your average run-of-the-mill white male officer, trying to recapture the three years in High School when people actually valued his opinion, wouldn't think twice about publicly sodomizing you with his billy club if you as so much reach for your wallet too quick for his liking. But the few times I've been pulled over by female police officers, it wasn't exactly the most pleasant of experiences, I always got the sense that they were working out the affects of male chauvinism, unequal pay, or the misogyny that they've experienced throughout their lifetimes on the respective choke-hold that they securely placed on me - granted, I'm sure that me calling them "sugar-tits" and mistaking an innocent traffic stop as some sort of remote stripper-gram didn't particularly endear me to them either. Black police officers, especially if they were riding with a white counterpart, more times than not they felt the need to go beyond the call of duty and prove to their partner that they weren't showing favoritism to another person who's ancestors also came over on mandatory cruise ships by putting me on the business end of very disagreeable day. Sometimes I view some of Hillary Clinton's black surrogates the exact same way. The same way I'd expect any self respecting black police officer to do his job and give me a ticket for speeding, drinking and driving, or having questionable sex with a stripper named "Merry-Go-Round" in the backseat of my muscle car without putting the hazard lights on - I'd also expect Hillary Clinton's black surrogates to make the strongest argument possible for the candidate they feel would be the best choice for President of the United States. But like that occasionally misguided black cop who regrettably goes that extra rhetorical mile, egging me on with empty threats so I'll react and get two or three warning shots in the ass for my troubles - a handful of Hillary Clinton's black surrogates have gone that proverbial extra mile as well, peppering us with cringe-worthy statements that automatically make Hip Hop fans think of the Krs-One song "Black Cop". Here are a few examples. Stephanie Tubbs Jones: On February 26th, being interviewed by Pat Buchanan(..a man that I have characterized as the Statler and Waldorf of political punditry) on "Morning Joe" about the picture circulated where Obama was wearing traditional Somalia garb - Stephanie Tubbs Jones had this to say: "I have no shame, or no problem with people looking at Barack Obama in his native clothing, the clothing of his country.." My Take: Sometimes mistakes happen, I misspeak all the time when I tell women mid-coitus "You won't walk right for a week!" - but since illiterate Ukrainian teens even know the intricacies of Obama's life story and his background by now, there is something rather sinister about her "native clothing" quip But then again, I do consider her to be the Sammy Davis Jr. of black Hillary surrogates, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.. Andrew Young: Quotes:"I want Barack Obama to be president.. in 2016", "He's smart. he's brilliant, but you cannot be president alone. Hillary Clinton first of all has Bill behind her, and Bill is every bit as black as barack - he's probably gone out with more black women than Obama." My Take: Even though most of these civil rights guys have changed their collective tunes as of late, it still amazes me that those words even escaped his lips - what were all the fire-hoses and ass-whippings for if later in life your nothing but a scared ass negro? Bob Johnson: Quote: "To me, as an African American, I am frankly insulted the Obama campaign would imply that we are so stupid that we would think Hillary and Bill Clinton, who have been deeply and emotionally involved in black issues when Barack Obama was doing something in the neighborhood; I won't say what he was doing, but he said it in his book when they have been involved" My Take: This coming from the guy that gave Cita, that awful Keisha Cole reality show, and "Uncut" - ok, quiet as kept, I made it my business to stay up late to watch "Uncut" and be utterly disgusted while sporting wood like everyone else. Even though Johnson later apologized for the remark, its pretty disingenuous considering that just last month he co-signed Geraldine Ferraro's "he wouldn't be here if he wasn't black" sentiments - its just like Chuck D said, "Every brother ain't a brother cause of color". But then again, throwing another black man under the bus shouldn't shock us since his network happens to be one of the leading causes of death amongst black folks.(Right there behind hypertension and suicide inducing Tyler Perry movies) Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, II (D-MO) : Quote: "He is articulate - in the black tradition, he would probably be mediocre, but in White America..." - "For White Americans, it's like, this guy can speak," - (If he switched to Obama) "There would be African-Americans cheering, but I would have difficulty shaving in the morning, unless I could shave without looking in the mirror." My Take: These set of quotes best exemplifies the whole "Black Cop" analogy, whats up with all the "extra" slick talk - just support your respective candidate, highlight what you think are her positive attributes, then keep it the fuck moving. Jesus. Not being able to look himself in the mirror if he voted for Obama says less about Obama, and more about what kind of self-hating black person he is. Michael Nutter: (On Reverend Wright) "I think there's no room for hate, and I could not sit and tolerate that kind of language, and especially over a very long period of time." and " "If I were in my own church and heard my pastor saying some of those kinds of things," we'd have a conversation about what's going on here, what is this all about, and then I would have to make my own personal decision about whether or not to be associated or affiliated." My Take: Bullshit Mike. Ever since Reverend Wright re-emerged this past week, the one point that I've been making to people is that even though most of what the good Reverend said is standard in many black conversations - in an era where Obama is getting hit with being associated with a guy who did bad things when the senator was 8 years old, those same things won't fly when you are running for president. Many people revere Minister Farrakhan, but if you are running for President you can't be within a square mile of the man. Black folks have conspiracy theories about the government as long as Manute Bol's arm, Dave Chappelle once said "What is a black man without his paranoia?" - but a black man running for president, being seen to even remotely hold some of those same theories would sink your candidacy.(For the record, this commentary isn't meant to suggest that Sen Obama's sentiments concerning Rev Wrights remarks are disingenuous) Thats what makes Mr. Nutter's commentary so lame, he knows better - but like most of Hillary Clinton's black supporters, there's nothing like putting your dignity on the back burner when supporting your respective candidate.

The Entire Democratic Race in 7 Minutes

Fri, 02 May 2008 17:22:38 -0500

Courtesy of Slate

Barack Obama is not an elitist, I am..

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:36:00 -0500

After watching the utterly nonsensical coverage following the Pennsylvania Primary and surrounding the recent reemergence of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, I'm starting to gain a new found respect for all those individuals who refuse to involve themselves in the political process at all. I'm as serious as a "dutch oven" executed by Mo'nique. To some people, passionately getting behind a candidate is akin to giving your heart to someone after years of being on the business end of one painful break-up after another - why get all jazzed up over a presidential nominee, only to get your heart ripped out of your chest when they come a few electoral votes short of Pennsylvania avenue? But sometimes, like the lonely throat-chop giving writer who went out and got himself a girlfriend because he talked about his penis entirely too much on his blog and masturbated like his genitalia had an expiration date on it, sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and openly support a candidate that you truly believe in.(See Barack Obama) But after witnessing the media coverage of Obama lately, I'm starting to understand why some people just don't fuck with politics at all. I mean, only a black man running for president would find himself responsible for everything an associate ever said - if Obama doesn't capture the nomination, I feel that our next hope for a black president will have to be someone groomed for the highest office in the land since birth. Like the attempted arranged marriage in "Coming to America", how else could we keep him away from shady slumlords in which he participated in no wrong-doing - or radicals who committed reprehensible things when he was a toddler? Also, have you ever noticed that every Obama "scandal" that some pundit allows to escape their inept mandible always seems to be prefaced with some sort of clumsy contradictory statement? Like, "I know Obama loves this country and is patriotic, but... what's up with his refusal to wear a flag pin?" or "I'm absolutely positive that Barack Obama doesn't have a hateful bone in his body, but.. what's the deal with his preacher?" or "I fully understand what Barack Obama was saying when he said that people vote on wedge issues when they lose faith in their government, but.. that "bitter" comment.." What kind of media, Jedi mind-fuck is that exactly? Pure idiocy I tell you, apparently the mainstream media is as scared as Rupert Murdoch when it comes to prospect of having a black president. But the one Obama criticism that really pissed me off was the whole "elitist" meme originally pushed by John McCain and Hillary Clinton - one candidate who has 8 houses and is married to a beer heiress worth 100 million dollars and another candidate who, with her husband, made 109 Million dollars over the past 7 years. On the surface the charge is ridiculous, a black man raised by a struggling single mother who often fed her son via foodstamps, who later passed up numerous opportunities to practice law at prestigious corporate firms to be a community organizer and a civil rights lawyer. But on a deeper level, the charge of "elitism" thrown at Obama acts as a racial dog-whistle as well - as my Vibe.com colleague Mark Anthony Neal succinctly states in a blog post entitled "Obama Elitist? I'm Hearing Something Else", what John McCain and Hillary Clinton are really telling voters is "this nigger thinks he's better than you!" But as a person who wears my Hip Hop elitism like a fucking badge of honor, I didn't particularly appreciate the way the media wrongly characterized Obama as looking down on the common man - its a proverbial slap in the face to all of us who actually think that we are better than everyone else, solely on our Hip Hop tastes that is. Obama fields asinine questions about flag pins with infinite patience, but when someone waxes poetic about the lyrical prowess of Lil Wayne - my responses range from me vomiting inside my own mouth a little bit, open-palm mushing the person in question, or slashing my wrists with an imaginary knife as I fictitiously convulse and bleed out all over the place. When Tim Russert clumsily tried to hit Obama with the "gotcha" question in the form of "Louis Farrakhan", he very calmly claimed that he both rejected and denounced his support - I too had to publicly make my disapproval of someone public, by getting a free ticket to their concert, getting back stage as if I was going to interview the sub-par wordsmith for my Vibe blog, then dissing the fuck out of him by turning my back on him while posing in the illest B-Boy stance and as he extended his hand to greet me. Yes, I'm an asshole, an insufferable prick who makes utterly hate-able lists in his spare time consisting of what IS and Isn't Hip Hop. Barack Obama an Elitist? The junior Senator from Illinois doesn't have shit on me. For example, sometimes I'll find myself in some random nightclub, and if the music being played suddenly gives me the sneaking suspicion that its going to be the soundtrack to my random stabbing - it isn't Hip Hop. If some monosyllabic rapper thinks that "swagger" has as much importance as having actual lyrical skill or moving a crowd, they aren't Hip Hop to me. Its my firm belief that if T-Pain guest stars on one of your songs, there is a 93.5 percent chance that you are not Hip Hop, its a scientific fact.(Ok, not really). For a long time I've contended, if an artist post 1991 comes out with a song instructing the listener to perform some sort of ridiculous dance routine - chances are, those motherfuckers aren't Hip Hop either. I once physically accosted a wedding DJ for playing a Jim Jones record, I've broken up with women in the midst of relatively healthy relationships simply because of their piss poor musical choices - during my friends funeral, as the preacher talked about my friend's love for Hip Hop he butchered the name of one of his main influences. So I corrected him be saying, "Its Big Daddy Kane fuckstick, get it right!" - to the dismay of hundreds of both shocked and severely pissed off mourners. The other night, when I picked my girlfriend up to go out to have dinner she was wearing a G-Unit t-shirt, I immediately made her change her clothes, questioned her for the next hour wondering if that was her way of passive aggressively breaking up with me, and made her recite the first verse of "Microphone Fiend". I don't let people forget about misguided album purchases or musical predictions, 17 years later I still occasionally call my friend Ron and say "Vanilla Ice, really??" - or very sarcastically say, "I'm loving that new Tracy Lee CD!! That's right, he doesn't have one.." Obama has a long way to go when it comes to being an elitist.

I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..(Debate Edition)

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:42:35 -0500

Even though my physique suggests that I have a love affair with late night snacking, a habit that has prevented me from getting a complete look at my genitalia since the last episode of "Quantum Leap" - I don't want to confuse my readers when I say that people should always follow their gut. Deep down I knew that the love of my life was cheating on me behind my back, but I ignored all the tell-tale signs like her yawning during sex, me suddenly being unable to "touch the sides" during intercourse, and a gentleman who characterized himself as her "new boyfriend" who kept incessantly calling - I finally got the message as we both crossed paths, him moving things in while I moved my shit out. If I would have listened to my gut, I would have known that I was my father's least favorite child, despite all the years of being told that I'd never amount to anything, I still felt that there was an outside chance that the old guy had a soft spot in his heart for his youngest child. The gut hardly lies, I realized this when my father clutched my brother's hand while laying on his deathbed, saying: "You are the best son a father could ever have!" Ouch! Forget Farrakhan, having your father give his adopted son the stamp of approval over his blood child is the epitome of being both denounced and rejected. Early yesterday, when I learned that George Stephanopoulos had been a guest on Sean Hannity's radio show, supposedly "taking notes" when that right-wing cock-stain suggested that he ask Obama about William Ayers and his participation in the Million Man March during the democratic debate - I just knew that last night's affair would be a nonsensical cluster-fuck, mostly about fucking flag-pins and clumsy guilt-by-association charges. Again, my gut was correct. As I watched the debate, getting more and more enraged as Charlie Gibson and Stephanopoulos peppered Obama with right-wing smears masquerading as legitimate questions, with Hillary piling on like the opportunist hack of a politician that she is - I was inspired to give Mr. Obama some campaign pointers as I usually do, thanks to last nights horrific debate. Less Counterpunching, more sucker-punches: The only time I've spent behind bars has to do me ritualistically ruining my liver and a few physical altercations that momentarily put me in city lock-up - so I'm not going to pretend like I have any sort of extensive knowledge on the ins and outs of maximum security confinement. But speaking of "ins and outs", I've seen my fair share of "Oz" episodes to know that to keep your rectum echo-less and avoid holding another man's extended pocket as a sign of ownership, on the first day you have to find the biggest person you can find, and throw them one hell of an ass-whipping. Obama should employ this strategy, albeit momentarily. Listen, after last night, when Obama seemed to give her a pass on "Sniper-gate" and she still went all in with Farrakhan, The Weather Underground, and Reverend Wright - it became crystal clear to me that Hillary is trying to make Obama unelectable against McCain so she can run in 2012. My feeling is, if you get into a verbal spat with a fellow motorist and he hops out of his car with a tire iron in his hand, you can't fight that man as if he plans to give you a fair and above board ass-whipping, you have to fight him as if he plans to take your life. I'm well aware that part of Obama's appeal is his willingness to stay above the fray, but occasionally, to show Hillary and the Republican attack machine that he isn't fucking around - bring up sniper fire, Hillary saying "screw them" when referencing working class whites in 1995.Maybe even Norman Hsu, Peter Paul, or Marc Rich- if her silly ass really wants to play the guilt-by-association game. Pivot to McCain, then taunt him: I'm well aware that Drudge isn't exactly the most reliable of sources, but I believe their recent report that McCain would rather face Hillary in November - that is why he has refused to obliterate her on "Sniper-gate" and other attackable issues. That being said, because I sincerely feel that Obama should pivot and attack John McCain as frequently as possible - he should taunt the 72 year old, especially considering his historically quick temper. Obama should say something like: "John McCain is an authentic war hero, he spent 5 and a half long years getting tortured in a Hanoi Hilton for this fine country of ours - a bravery that most of us, including me, can't even begin to fathom. That is why it comes as an absolute shock to my campaign that a man with bravery in spades is scared to face me in the fall, sources say that he's told his closest aides he'd rather face Hillary and now barely attacks her because of it - Come on John, you've faced worse than little ole me." Play the "Six Degress of McCain" game as well: It seems to me, especially if you are a black candidate running for president, that any person that you've ever known who fails to follow the DMV handbook religiously or doesn't volunteer at soup kitchens on the weekends or doesn't mid-wife pregnant horses - will be your political downfall at some point in your campaign. That being said, if the media is going to put so much stock in the guilt-by-association game, its time to compile a list of shady characters that John McCain has ever crossed paths with as well. He's been serving the public for a long time so it can't be hard. Obama's campaign should start name dropping a few of those unsavory characters, not saying that that strategy should be aggressively pushed - but letting the McCain camp know that obsessing over William Ayers might get you fucked up is only a good thing.

Rating Barack Obama Non-Scandals

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 14:26:29 -0500

One thing that truly boggles the mind, besides the success of CBS's "Two and a Half Men" and the fact that not every stripper you come across accepts money for sexual favors, is the commonly regurgitated theme that Barack Obama had at one time received a "free ride" from the news media. Sure, he was a relatively new face in politics and people desperately wanted to know more about the Junior Senator from Illinois, but don't confuse that with the media ever being in the tank for Obama. Because to the trained eye nothing could be further from the truth. For one thing, like most star black athletes who are called "disruptive" when they publicly call out teammates, when their white counterpart is described as "showing leadership" for doing the exact same thing - I noticed that Obama was immediately a victim of the "adjective game" by many in the mainstream media. If Hillary was telling a group of supporters that she was the only candidate who could reform health care because of her years of experience on the matter, or if John McCain expressed in some interview how he was best positioned out of all the candidates to protect America based on his foreign policy credentials - both of them, more times than not, were characterized as being "confident". Obama on the other hand, exuding the same levels of confidence when talking about his ability to bring people together, or how he is the only candidate who can beat McCain come November, is often characterized as "arrogant" or "cocky". Out of the three remanding candidates, Obama is the only one I've ever seen described as "whining" when he responds to attacks, just further outlining how many people are truly threatened by an assertive black person.(See Michelle Obama). Then there was Farrakhan. You know what, they'd only ask a black guy to disassociate himself from a person who he has never had a personal relationship with - I'm fully expecting Tim Russert, during one of the presidential debates when Obama takes on McCain to ask Barack - "Do you denounce and reject the support of Malik Jenkins, who lives off of 11th and Grand, you know - the one that lives right next to the Stop-N-Go? He has said some questionable things.." In 2000 and 2004, there were more prominent religious leaders who thought that homosexuality sparked national disasters than you could shake a stick at - scores of evil malcontented bastards who though a church podium masked their verbal venom - most of those bottom feeders supported Bush wholeheartedly, and he was neither asked to denounce nor reject them by Mr Russert. But something I've also noticed, a Hillary Clinton campaign tactic that has been embraced by the press for the most part, are all the faux scandals invented to sink Barack Obama's path to the nomination. I've rated a few of them for you on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most ludicrous. Enjoy. Kinder-gate: Right before the Iowa caucuses, after realizing that her "I'm not going to attack my opponents" stance was about to fail miserably, Hillary Clinton's campaign tried to paint Obama as deceitful based on one of his kindergarten essays entitled "I want to be president" - a complete contradiction to his claim that his presidential aspirations were only a couple of years old. HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal rating: (9) Sometimes people need to eliminate "yes men" from their inner circle and surround themselves with people who will tell them the truth when ideas truly suck, (See Tyler Perry and Lil Wayne) - granted, I'm an Obama supporter, but this was a bit of a stretch. A Pilate's stretch. Reagan-gate: In an interview with the Reno Gazette-Journal right before the Nevada caucuses, Obama said the following about Ronald Reagan: "I think Ronald Reagan changed the trajectory of America in a way that Richard Nixon did not and in a way that Bill Clinton did not. He put us on a fundamentally different path because the country was ready for it." HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating: (5) Sometimes I feel that Obama should be more Jay-Z and less Talib Kweli in terms of occasionally dumbing down his rhetoric, he's an extremely thoughtful politicians who intellectually approaches problems - which is great for all the true thinkers amongst us, but its an absolute nightmare when stupid people and disingenuous political opportunists still exist. In the context of the interview, he was saying that he will be a transformational figure like Reagan - in a sense that Reagan got democrats to vote against their best interests, Obama feels that he could garner republican votes in the exact same fashion. But of course Hillary, and to some extent John Edwards pounced - because saying something nice about a man I once characterized as the "antichrist" does score you some cheap political points. Snub-gate: During President Bush's last State of The Union address, as Hillary Clinton reached her hand out to Sen. Edward Kennedy - Obama was photographed with his back to the junior Senator from the state of New York. Hence, "Snub-Gate". HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating:(8) If there is one thing we have learned about Obama during this primary season is that he isn't petty. He has maintained, at least publicly, a level of respect for Hillary despite Bill's race-baiting, Hillary's shifting argument that Florida and Michigan should be counted - along with her incoherent claims that small states, states with black people in them, and caucuses don't count. That's what makes this "scandal" ridiculous. Copy-gate: In response to Hillary Clinton's claim that all Obama could do is give speeches, he forcefully responded with what is now characterized as the "Just words" speech - an oratory that borrowed some of the same lines that his friend Deval Patrick once used. Naturally, Hillary Clinton charged Obama with plagiarizing. HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating: (6) For one thing, how is it plagiarism if the guy you borrowed from is a friend of yours who also gave you permission? Even though on one level I think it was clumsy of Obama, but still - the guy wrote two books and writes most of his speeches, I don't think he needs any lectures from a woman who used a ghostwriter to pen her latest book. Wright-gate: Do I really need to go into detail about Reverend Wright? What, have you been living under a rock? Bloody fucking savages. HumanityCritic's Non-Scandal Rating: (

Blu & Exile "Blu Collar Workers"

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:25:11 -0500

First things First

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:14:12 -0500

The details surrounding the loss of my virginity is confusing to say the least, there are so many miscellaneous sexual events that I was privy to in my formidable years that it severely clouds my ability to pinpoint the exact moment in which I became a man - it might seem like a truly semantic argument to many, but like most things concerning your favorite bloggers favorite blogger, this particular matter is hardly a black and white issue. I'm aware that your garden variety normal person would consider simple insertion as the precise moment a young man loses his virginity, but because I'm not your average person, a career douche-bag with more pubescent incidents than I care to name where low self-esteem having dalliances momentarily let me "stick the tip in" - I not only refuse to add those to the notches already on my enormous Chewbacca-sized gun belt, but to highlight one of those fleeting moments as me crossing the "man threshold" is akin to Hillary Clinton adding Michigan to her win column even though Obama's name wasn't even on the fucking ballot. Sometimes when I accidentally stumble upon the Maury Povich show, watching some Midwestern trailer trash teen who has proceeded to fellate 90% of the men in her small town without ever being vaginally penetrated - sometimes I openly question the standards in which we historically measure a person losing their respective virginity. That being said, because I took it upon myself on numerous occasions to give unsanctioned mustache rides, along with other perverse acts an unlicensed GYN might perform before intercourse ever became an option for me - that unseemly reality also throws a monkey wrench into my "virginity time-line" so to speak. So I finally decided to count the first time I participated in intercourse that lead to a standard "conclusion" as the time I legitimately lost my virginity - I had just turned 15 years old, and the young lady who cleared my path to manhood was one of my classmates named Joanne. Over the last 17 years Joanne had only crossed my mind a dozen or so times, but I always figured that if we both found ourselves on the business end of an impromptu meeting it would consist of nothing but witty banter, pitch perfect reflection and introspection - kind of like an urban version of one of those Ethan Hawke "Before Sunset" movies, both of us walking through a beautiful park while discussing how a two minute sexual encounter has shaped our lives. Unfortunately, real life encounters are far less exciting or intriguing as their fictitious counterparts - as I gazed at a familiar looking woman between a set of Barnes & Nobles book shelves, I finally gathered up enough courage and clumsily approached her while uttering the regrettable: "Hey, aren't you the first chick I underachieved on? Take a bow Ma'am, you are like the Marco Polo of my pre-ejaculation!" Unexpectedly, she grabbed my arm and rushed me to the nearest unoccupied area of the store as if I was a fighting student being disciplined by a school marm, angrily mumbling under her breath - "What in the fuck is wrong with you asshole? My husband will be back in the store any moment!" I apologized, but quickly answered her anger with "Come on, how often does a guy get an opportunity to speak to the only woman he genuinely tried to please?" Her frown slowly turned into a semi-smile as she said, "..but you were so adorable though!" - before I could object to the mere utterance of an adjective that any red blooded American male wouldn't want associated with their erect penis, a word usually reserved for pictures of sleeping puppies of your child's first bowel movement - she hit me with following rapid-fire questions: "Do you remember how you kept putting the condoms on backwards? How unbelievably quick it was? How you kept insisting that we have sex to Biz Markie's ""Biz is going Off"? Based on the fact that I still nervously fumble with condoms like Barney Fife on Ritalin, and consistently play Public Enemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome" before making love with the sole intent of finishing before Chuck D reaches the respective hook - I had to openly admit to Joanne that not much has changed since the last time she was clumsily penetrated on a set of Superfriends bedsheets. It was obvious to me that Joanne wanted to laugh, but as soon as she noticed the seriousness in my baby brown eyes she then proceeded to give me an extremely warm "you pitiful bastard" embrace - walking away she suddenly stopped, slowly turn to me and asked: "There has to be some satisfying firsts in your life?" Hence this post, but don't worry - all these have to do with music. First Record I ever purchased: The Sugar Hill Gang: "Rappers Delight": I'm fully aware that when a person admits that "Rappers Delight" was my their first musical purchase it comes across as utterly cliche like someone saying that the Bible is their favorite book, or that "Me Myself and I" is their favorite De La Soul song - but like the sobering reality of God deciding to make me the anatomical exception and not the rule in terms of black males, sometimes you just have to come to grips with the truth. Even when you factor in the nature of how The Sugar Hill Gang was put together like a boy band, or the blatant theft of Big Bank Hank's verse - I'm still proud of that purchase because it was indicative of how I feel that Hip Hop personally chose me. I mean, being from Virginia I didn't have the luxury of any "..and then the DJ plugged his turntables into the light pole" stories to tell people - so like so many kids outside of the mecca of Hip Hop, I had to create my own Hip Hop reality. First Album I ran into the ground: Hall & Oates "Private Eyes": One of the things that worries me about the prospect of marriage, outside of my future wife leaving me because of my alcoholism and penchant for occasionally coming home smelling like stale sweat with stripper glitter all over my clothes - is the thought of her giving me the proverbial pink slip because I tend to run my favorite musical choices into the ground. A habit that started as a kid, for an entire school year I would play Hall and Oates' "Private Eyes" while waiting for my school bus - a daily routine that absolutely infuriated my mother. Historically abused animals flinch when you try to pet them, veterans of wars come home with Post Traumatic Stress Disorders - because of the many times I played that classic album from the Philadelphia based duo, my mother has profanity laced tourettes outbursts as soon as she hears any song from that "Private Eyes" album. First song I dedicated to a school crush: George Michael "Careless Whisper": For a guy who went to private schools for 9 years straight, more often than not finding myself being the only black kid in a sea of white faces - I wouldn't hold it against you if you assumed that my dating history was littered with melanin challenged women who thought that police officers only pull over black folks for legitimate reasons. Even though I've only sexually disappointed black and Latina women thus far, my first crush was on a white girl named Kirsten - an overdeveloped 5th grader who barely spoke 4 words to me the entire school year. Even as a person like myself who is comfortable in his own sexuality, it is a bit unsettling to now realize that George Michael probably wrote "Careless Whisper" about another man - but that was the song I dedicated to Kirsten on a local radio station. I even recall singing the words while staring at her picture, how embarrassing - its like a bad urban coming to age comedy, if Tyler Perry and John Hughes directed a movie together. First song I punched someone to while attending a random High School dance: Beastie Boys - "Paul Revere": Back in High School, when I was 85 pounds lighter and could actually catch a clear view of my entire penis - your boy HumanityCritic, world renown for the time honored "throat-chop", had a bully. Kind of. Because running track was the most important thing in my life at the time, I resisted fighting this asshat named Reggie - who would constantly disrespect me by trying to hug on my girlfriend at the time, telling people that I was "bitch-made"(if I can borrow a west coast term for a moment) for not forcefully putting him in his place. This went on all year, its like I was stuck in my own "Groundhog Day" - until I decided to do something about it at one of our High School dances that I knew he'd be attending. There I was in a packed gymnasium, with cheap flashing lights occasionally highlighting my angry scowl from bright tints of yellow to subdued red hues - I walked towards Reggie, wading through my fellow classmates, holding a 2X4 like I was Hacksaw Jim Duggan or some shit.(How's that for a wrestling reference?) When I got to him there was no tough guy banter, no "..this is for all the times you disrespected me", none of that - just me treating his head like a negro pinata, with this time the only treats that came out of it was his two front teeth. You haven't lived until you've beaten someone to "Paul Revere"

I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:26:03 -0500

As I've stated before, the last thing on earth I should be doing is managing a presidential campaign, mainly because my penchant for viewing everything as a knife fight would absolutely sink my respective candidate - presidential necessities like nuance and decorum are lost on a man who's own mother characterizes him as an "insufferable prick". There have been numerous occasions when I wanted Obama to fold Hillary up like origami, and when he failed to do so I usually questioned his testicular fortitude in rather unflattering terms - more times than not I turned out to be flat wrong by the way, but that isn't the main reason why campaign managing isn't in my life's blood. A few years ago, my younger cousin asked me to help him with his campaign to become class president - I jumped at the opportunity, not only would becoming class president be great for his college applications, but just think about all the miscellaneous High School ass that would be carelessly thrown in his direction.(So, since living vicariously through him can't be considered statutory rape, I figured that I'd help him out.) For a couple of weekends in a row, my cousin and I, along with about 30 of his classmates that served as his "staff" - painstakingly strategized his campaign so much that we might as well have been sitting behind blue schematics. Not only were poster and button making on the respective agenda, but more sinister plans were at work as well - like our plan to throw the opposition off by having his girlfriend break up with him due to a staffer who had slept with him, not to mention various nasty whisper campaigns about drunken sex the opponent once had with a cat and his parents actually being actual siblings. Karl Rove doesn't have shit on me. Unfortunately, my aunt found out what we were up to and pulled the plug on my campaign managing career - oh well, my cousin still won without my help, I guess positive campaigning works sometimes. Anyway, here is my weekly advice for Senator Obama. Start having Sinbad's back: Its funny how slow the news media works, for those of us in the know(i.e cats who spend too much time online) - from the beginning, that Bosnia story that Hillary was regurgitating seemed to have so many holes in it you could have turned it into mosquito netting. Everyone knew that Hillary's Bosnia trip was with Chelsea, Cheryl Crow, and Sinbad, so when she bragged about ducking from Sniper Fire something just didn't seem right - but as soon as Sinbad came out and said that the "scariest" part of the trip was wondering where they'd eat next, I just knew that spelled trouble for Hillary. Now there is actual video footage that completely refutes her Bosnia tale, but to a bigger extent, severely undercuts her "experience" argument that she has had over Barack Obama the entire primary season. Not only does Obama need to routinely hit her on this, but he also should ask the media to investigate all the other questionable accomplishments that seem to be nothing more than padding to her record. Her Creation of S-Chip, whether or not she helped pass FMLA(Family and Medical Leave Act), if the story of her helping to bring peace to Northern Ireland was complete horseshit or not - take the game to her, especially after she is now shamelessly playing politics with Rev. Wright. Push the Wrecking Ball Theory: Lets be completely honest here, outside of the Clinton Campaign, republican commentators who feign objectivity but only have an agenda of mischief to speak of, along with the countless Hillary apologists that currently flood the cable airwaves - the delegate math for Mrs. Clinton is insurmountable, and the only way for her to become the Democratic Nominee is for her to make Barack Obama unelectable. Such tactics make Kamikaze piloting look like a rubdown in a shiatsu, especially if her plan doesn't work and we have a bruised and battered Obama limping into a general election with John McCain - that's why Obama, especially after the North Carolina and Indiana primaries, should openly wonder why Hillary Clinton is trying to assist John McCain to a November victory. Outright asking her to drop out is a bad move, but Obama suggesting that her main goal is a self serving one and not one for the good of the party - that seems to be completely above board. After making that clear, sharply pivot exclusively to John McCain - and only utter Mrs. Clinton's name when asked a direct question about the Senator from New York. Put the Rev Wright issue to bed: Even though some recent polls suggest that Obama didn't take that big of a hit over the "Pastor-gate" - rest assured, that the media will nickle-and-dime Obama to death with every semi-controversial utterance associated with Mr. Wright in every sermon, newsletter, or bowel movement over the last 20 years. Based on the intellectual laziness of the so called "Liberal media" like MSNBC and CNN, it would serve Obama to put this thing to bed permanently - he can't give another speech, and he shouldn't disassociate himself from a man who introduced him to the gospel, but he has to begin a narrative that outlines the medias need to doom his candidacy by guilt-by association. Constantly clarify that he is the one running for president here, not Rev. Wright, and how even the most inexperienced journalist could pour over his record and see how he has historically been on the right side of tolerance and patriotism.

Stop trying to "David Koresh" me!

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 14:00:25 -0500

You don't think I know "crazy"? I know "crazy" my friend! When you have a father like mine who's main passion in life, besides fixing automobiles and the three decades he honorably spent in the Navy - was to engage in the most viscous 18 year campaign full of "You Ain't ever going to be shit!" diatribes and other garden variety self-esteem killing tactics. When you have a grandmother who desensitized her own children to violence so much, that when my uncle waxes poetic about getting hit on the side of his head with a vase he does so with a glassy eyed affection usually reserved for Prom recollections - not only that, how many people can say that their grandmother was once incarcerated for stabbing a guy? The Kennedy's have politics, my family has dysfunction - and despite the lunacy that I've already exposed you to, my family still considers me to be the undisputed belt holder of the "crazy" title, and believe me that's saying a lot. Based on an extensive history of questionable behavior ranging from me punching one of those black "hustle-man" preachers in the throat for telling his congregation to vote for Bush solely on the issue of abortion, pulling a pharmacist over his counter and throwing him one hell of a beating after he made some sexually suggestive comments to my mother, and that time I rolled a handicapped man into traffic simply because he refused to admit that Rakim was the greatest rapper of all time - if being crazy was a contact sport akin to boxing, lets just say that I'm on a clear path of retiring undefeated. Forget about the physical stuff for a minute, I'm a sexaholic germaphobe for Christ sakes - even the most innocent sexual encounters where the necessary protection is used, more times than not I find myself having months of extensive blood work done - me clutching rosary beads, praying to the almighty that I didn't just have sex with the human embodiment of the outbreak monkey. Relationship wise, I'm a man with criminally low amounts of self esteem who goes after women far above my respective pay grade - the ever flowing motif of those unions not recognized by the church or my mother, consist of me regularly telling the woman in question: "Jesus woman, you could do so much better!" Like I said before, I know "crazy". That's why I can't seem to wrap my head around the commonly regurgitated meme over the past months that Obama supporters are all "crazy", characterizing us as "cult-like' - proverbial Jim Jones kool-aid drinkers, political branch davidians, waiting for some spaceship to snatch us all up as we wear our black and white Nike's while attending an Obama speech. Like I told an overzealous Hillary supporter over the weekend, "For god's sake, Stop trying to 'David Koresh' me!" This tactic used by Hillary Clinton supporters bewildered with the fact that their candidate can't seem to produce the same sort of enthusiasm and excitement, or members of the media who are too lazy to do their fucking jobs in finding out why people support Obama so passionately - is the equivalent of a kid who tries out for his High School hoops team, fails miserably, then suddenly declares that "Basketball is Stupid!". It seems to be the exact same sort of disingenuous petulance here, minus the acne and nocturnal emissions. Sure, the fainting is a bit much, but then again, I wouldn't think less of a fellow fan if he/she decided to paint themselves Navy Blue and Orange while attending a Chicago Bears game - at the end of the day, regardless how we express our respective passion, we both want to see our team win. But a cult? I see people's exuberance for the junior senator from Illinois as something completely different.. As we find ourselves at the tail end of an administration that gleefully urinates on the constitution and uses Habeus Corpus as simple toiletry, attempting to make torture and illegally tapping your phone acceptable practices. A president who's scandals outweigh his achievements, a Iraq war that should have never been waged - costing us too many lives and too many permanently wounded heroes, the outing of a C.I.A agent solely because her husband was one of the war's first vocal opponents, No Child Left Behind, Katrina, Black sites, Halliburton, Blackwater, Abu Graibe, etc. It seems like a 20 years ago now, but it wasn't too long when intellectually dishonest people were calling fried potatoes "freedom fries", steamrolling Dixie Chicks CD's, calling you un-american for opposing this misguided war - I even remember a website dedicated to outing anti-war actors, asking people to boycott their movies from that point forward just because they gave a simple opinion. Because of all that obscene fuckery, all of us rational people were just left exhausted man, but before the political landscape drew us into a politically inactive coma - here comes a guy who seems to be the antithesis of everything that has gone horribly wrong over the past 7 years. Whenever I see Obama supporters cheering, chanting, famous musicians dedicating songs to the man - they are the furthest thing I would characterize as "cult-like", they have just found the presidential candidate who enables them to publicly exercise the demons of an utterly incompetent president that has wreaked habits on our collective souls. Acting as political exhibitionists as they shower off the proverbial stink that is George W. Bush amongst thousands of fellow Obama supporters. Matter of fact, I'd respectfully contend that you'd see more instability in your garden variety Hillary Clinton supporter. I mean, miraculously wanting the Florida and Michigan delegates to count after your candidate primarily agreed that they would be inconsequential is a bit nutty. Isn't it? What level of madness causes a well respected economist and author to carelessly gamble with his credibility in the name of Hillary shilldom? How demented do you have to be, knowing that the delegate math is damn near insurmountable - to rely on the super-delegates to come to the rescue in the final hours, thus severely fracturing the Democratic party? I'm not saying that Rosanne Bar has ever been a shining example of mental health, but what possess a person, who was once a household name - to let her rabid support of Hillary turn her blog into a prime example of what slipping into madness feels like? How unbalanced do you have to be to suggest that Obama simply saying that Hillary was "feeling down" was a frontal assault to femisim? Only a complete whacho would even hint that its somehow Obama's responsibility to apologize for the media's sexism. I have to really question if padded rooms and glass licking is in your near future, if you applaud Hillary using the fear card to scare up votes - your sanity must also be questioned if you co-sign Mrs. Clinton's habit of suggesting that John McCain would be a better president than Barack Obama. For more hysterically extreme verbal examples of someone smearing their own fecal matter against the wall - one must not go any further than the blogs of Taylor Marsh and Larry Johnson. Marsh, a woman who I characterize as the Yolanda Saldívar of Hillary Clinton supporters - spends most of her time pushing Rezko non-stories, feigning outrage over Michele Obama's supposed lack of patriotism, proping up that nonsensical Sean Wilentz "Obama is playing the Race Card" article that my people over at halfricanrevolution mercilessly took out to the woodshed for its proper discipline - and other classless smears that would make the Swiftboat vets collectively want to take a shower after reading her site. Forget about the fact that she once sang Obama's praises, but after dedicating all of her energy to smearing the guy and trying to prove how unfit for office Obama is - in this post she almost sounded giddy when contemplating the possibility of him being Clinton's vice president. Seriously Taylor, Fuck you. Johnson's blog is of a similar vein, clumsy character assasinations that read more like a gossip column than the words coming from a guy who actually served in the C.IA. - this guy's low point, and there are many, is when he became the only person on the face of the earth who applauded Robert Johnson's(BET) ill-advised remarks about Obama. A funny sidenote about both Taylor Marsh and Larry Johnson's blogs, I've noticed that when they provide music clips - more times than not the artist is African American. (You can't make this shit up) I don't know, It just makes me think that deep down they are fully aware of the steaming piles of excrement they've become with their gleeful embrace of the "smear merchant", and this is just their way of making everything right with the world. Nice try. I don't know, call me crazy - but I think that Obama supporters are the sane ones here.

I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 12:42:24 -0500

Over the past three days, being bombarded with the non-scandal of the week that is "Pastor-gate", the mainstream media shamelessly regurgitating right wing talking points while FOX News has started using youtube clips of Rev. Jeremiah Wright as masturbatory material(I guess they were bored with "rubbing one out" to Mein Kampf) - I noticed that when white preachers denounce America, they are embraced, black preachers, not so much. As much as I'd like to think that Americans are smart enough to reject the guilt-by-association game, our fellow countrymen/women did elect the Barney Fife of presidents to two terms in office - so when you factor that in, I'd say that we all agree that Obama has to get in front of this in a very big way. So far he has done the right things, rejecting everything the pastor said that was inflammatory, writing a post on Huffington Post on Friday - that same night making the rounds on any cable news outlet that comes to mind to address the issue. That was just phase one, here is what I feel should be his second wave of political maneuvering when it comes the Rev Wright non-controversy - granted, I'm not a campaign manager but I play one on this blog. "Make em' clap to this": Its commonly known that one of Obama's fiercest weapons in his political arsenal is his soaring oratory - I feel that it was a tactical error of him to be suckered into the whole "he has no substance" argument with Hillary, where he mistakenly ditched the rhetorical pirouettes for more meat and potato speeches. Here he can kill two birds with one stone, ignore Hillary's "empty suit" prodding and get back to making more youtube-worthy speeches - and address this pastor issue with the same sort of unifying public address that made people take notice when he gave the Keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention.(Equipped with your garden variety anecdotes about his work with the Jewish Community, his multiracial background, etc.) Be more of a media snake-charmer: Despite Barack Obama having a better grassroots organization than Hillary, a top notch ground game that has proven itself to be a force to be reckoned with based on all their Caucus victories, and his campaign's ability to figuratively print money when it comes to fundraising - the one area that Hillary has severely outclassed him in is her ability to work the media. Because of her spinmeisters, the media has bought into the narrative that Caucuses are less important than primaries, that states with large African American voting blocs are virtually meaningless - and that the fate of civilization as we know it rests on the Pennsylvania primary. The "Brave New Films" youtube clip posted above, details how the FOX News smear merchants infect the rest of the mainstream media - true, a fundamentally lazy lot anyways, but its still inexcusable none the less. To both work the media and to inoculate himself somewhat from the smears he will face the the general election - he needs to partner up with "Brave New Films", cut an ad detailing FOX News' penchant for scraping the bottom of the barrell when it comes to political discourse - and deplore Americans everywhere to "reject divisiveness, and turn the page on the politics of yesteryear". Also, being that most of these smears originated on FOX, he needs to shame the mainstream media and begin to "work the refs" as they say - with something like, "Its a sad day in this great country of ours, when respected journalists start subscribing to "Sean Hannity"-style of journalism.."

I'm not a Campaign Manager, but I play one on this blog..

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 12:53:53 -0500

If Barack Obama's quest to become the Democratic nominee for President has taught me anything thus far, its that the last thing on earth I should be doing, outside of trying to rehabilitate a room full of female sex addicts - is acting as anyones campaign manager. When Obama failed to attack his opponents in some of the earlier debates, I exhaustively screamed at the screen as if I was watching a slasher flick at an all black theater - at the time I was convinced that he lacked a killer instinct, and because of that Dennis Kucinich would probably be around longer than him. Ok, I was wrong about that. After he lost New Hampshire, it was my contention that Obama should go the Tonya Harding route and kneecap former president Clinton for belligerently going around and distorting his record like a drunken frat-boy - he more or less did that, and we haven't seen much of Bubba since South Carolina. Then when John McCain used his wife, the seldom heard from Cindy McCain, to score cheap political points by saying that she loved America - a direct response to the Michelle Obama "..for the first time I'm proud of my country" non-story that the press regurgitated because of their fundamental laziness. I was convinced that Obama would have Michelle introduce him before he gave his Wisconsin victory speech, before handing over the microphone to her husband she would mention Mrs. McCain's pathetic grandstanding and tell the crowd that her husband represents a new type of politics. Obviously that didn't happen. So every week, depending on the political developments of the preceding days - I'm going to give Barack Obama some campaign advice that I hope he'll find beneficial. If not, I'm sure him and his staff can sit back and laugh at my suggestions - and openly wonder how they can take the advice of a career alcoholic who once had sex at his fathers wake. Campaign Surrogates, Go Big or Go home!: One thing I noticed when it comes to Hillary Clinton's surrogates, is that all of them feel extremely comfortable executing talking points - mercilessly attacking Obama on a plethora of issues as if it was second nature to them. Obama's surrogates on the other hand, their collective judgement possibly clouded by the "Clinton mystique" - never go for the jugular, and whenever they do get critical they preface their remarks with "..with all due respect to Senator Clinton.." No, No, No. My advice for the Obama campaign, heading into next week - is to get some surrogates out there who aren't scared to throw some serious punches - Obama can still perpetuate the "hope" message if his surrogates are willing to figuratively slice Achilles tendons and choke out Hillary's presidential arguments with spare telephone chords. Play the Marriage Certificate Card: Hillary has been saying all along that while she is the one with experience, all Obama has is "that one speech he gave in 2002" - its time for the Obama campaign to poke proverbial holes in said experience. Being that Ms. Clinton held no security clearance, and the laundry list of issues that she claimed to have had a hand in during the 90's is disingenuous at best - its time for Obama to challenge her on this particular front. He should say, "While I have shown the proper judgment it takes to be commander in chief, by her vote authorizing the war in Iraq Hillary has not - matter of fact, she has the audacity to think that showing America her Marriage Certificate is experience enough. I don't think so." Obliterate the "Dream Ticket" talk: The Clinton Campaign, Hillary and a handful of her surrogates - have made it their business this week to push this "Dream Ticket" theme. Obama has to aggressively knock this down for two Reasons: 1) This type of talk might de-energize some of Obama's voters, giving them a false sense of security that regardless what happens - Obama will be on the ticket anyway. and 2)Mrs. Clinton has said, repeatedly, that her and John McCain have "crossed the threshold" needed to become Commander-in-Chief - suggesting that Barack Obama is vastly unqualified. Obama needs to call her on this - suggest that her attacks lack substance and intellectual honesty, because how can he be grossly unprepared on one hand but you wouldn't mind the guy being your Vice President on the other.

Tina Fey, you are dead to me.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:36:16 -0500

I'm not even going to lie to you, if there was one woman on the face of god's green earth able to dethrone Janeane Garofalo off the top of my "Quirky white women who would be worth black women's collective chastisement" list - it would specifically be "Saturday Night Live" alum Tina Fey. Even though historically I've only pelvic-ally underachieved on top of the likes of black and Latino women - there is something strangely erotic about the idea of occupying a bed with a woman who not only shares my love of Monty Python flicks but also occasionally goes on ill-advised "reparation" rants. I'm fully aware that Ms. Fey is a happily married women, but I always envisioned a scenario where she would ask me to join the writing staff of "30 Rock" after stumbling upon my blog one random day - and as she complimented me on a joke that I wrote where I characterized Stephanie Tubbs-Jones as "The Sammy Davis Jr of the Clinton Surrogates", all of a sudden a very innocent glance would turn into a passionate gaze. Before you know it, she'd be abandoning a successful career and a lovely family for an underachieving writer who looks like Lennox Lewis if he had a thyroid problem - and my mother would disown me, not for being with a white woman mind you, but for dedicating my personal and vibe blogs to the many benefits of interracial dating. That being said, my school-boy crush for Ms. Fey received a rather punishing body blow last weekend as I watched the episode of SNL that Fey returned to host - calling that particular show a 90 minute shill job for Hillary Clinton's campaign is a gross understatement akin to saying that Mickey Mantle was a recreational drinker. First, let me tackle the debate sketch. Forget about the fact that a dread-locked lover of late-night snacking such as myself would have made a better Barack Obama than the actor who played him(Fred Armisen), the comedic recreation of the CNN debate was just a regurgitation of the "Barack is getting a free ride" meme that we've all been tirelessly bombarded with. One of the most astounding phenomenons, outside of Stonehenge, unexplainable crop circles, and the popularity of "Two and a Half Men" - is the universally embraced talking point that Obama is getting preferential media coverage. Sure, the guy is relatively new and people view his meteoric rise with understandable curiosity - but there are a few things to consider. First off, if the roles were reversed and Barack Obama was the one who lost 11 straight contests, Democratic party elders and the media alike would be begging him to exit stage left - he'd be a darker version of Mike Huckabee, minus the bass guitar playing and the penchant for eating fried squirrels. Only a black man who was president of the Harvard Law Review and a professor of international politics would have an "empty suit" narrative promoted about him in the media incessantly - and despite a website that goes into painstaking detail concerning all of the man's purposed policies, many are left to believe that he's all rhetorical touches and no substance. Barack Obama could publicly burn effigies of Louis Farrakhan to prove that he is in no was affiliated with the man and that still wouldn't be enough, but when John McCain is endorsed by John Hagee, a man who said that Hurricane Katrina was "the Judgement of God against New Orleans" and that the Quran contains a "mandate to kill Christians and Jews" - he is neither asked to reject nor denounce him.(By the way, one of George W Bush's biggest endorsers has been Pat Robertson who once claimed the 9/11 was caused by "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People For the American Way." and that the acceptance of homosexuality could bring about "hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and a "possibly a meteor." - Russert would have never had the "man minerals" to ask Dubya to denounce that certifiable kook) Then you have the Tony Rezko non-story that the media aggressively masturbates all over, the way they try to maintain a straight face while suggesting that the Shady business man might bring down Obama's candidacy is rather giggle-worthy - especially when you think about the rogues gallery of shady characters littered throughout the landscape of Hillary's past. I've also noticed the "Gotcha!" game the media has started playing with Obama supporters, starting with Chris Matthews as he turned an interview in which the Senator from Texas, Kirk Watson, thought he'd be asked about Obama's Wisconsin primary win - but he quickly found out he'd be put through the Spanish inquisition instead. Ever since then, opportunistic reporters exposing a journalistic laziness usually found on gossip blogs - find some unassuming Obama supporter and ask them to dictate Obama's Senate record back verbatim, clumsily awaiting a desired outcome that reminds you of Gerald Rivera in front of Al Capone's vaults.(I did my own unscientific poll of Clinton supporters this past Saturday where I asked them to list some of Hillary's achievements - deers in fucking headlights I tell you. Granted, I did pose my question in a local watering hole, that mostly the intellectually inept frequent, around "last call" - so the alcohol could have been a contributing factor) Back to Tina. During the "Weekend Update" section of the show, under the title of "Women's News" - there was my baby, Tina Fey, and I just knew that she was lace me with the same sort of comedic gems I usually receive from a garden variety episode of "30 Rock". But unfortunately, in her support of Hillary that I have absolutely no problem with - she just perpetuated the same hamfisted talking points regularly used against Barack Obama, just with more subtlety. When she asked, "Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama?", and then proceeded to list the possible reasons including a "co-presidency", her physical appearance, and people who think she is a "bitch" - it universally insulted the intelligence of the millions of Obama supporters who co-sign the junior Senator's candidacy for the highest office based on the issues. Then, when she ended the segment with "Bitch is the new black" I cringed, not because I couldn't see any scenario in which ornery and highly disagreeable ladies get a cab over your standard black person in New York City - but it just reminded me of how many times Hillary Clinton has shamelessly used the gender card. Whether it was the uncomfortable moment during the last debate when she referenced SNL and complained about always being questioned first, or her nightline appearance where she claimed that it was tougher being a woman running for president than a black man -for a second, just image the massive outrage and moral indignation if Obama ever decided to play the race card, even in a round about way. Ok. Who am I bullshitting, nothing can suppress this chubby black man's affection for Tina Fey(unless she has a hidden affinity for Cross burnings or Lil Wayne albums that I don't know about) - I just wanted to let her know that I'm going to tell it like it is whenever we do get together.

Youtube politics

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:14:08 -0500

I'm sure everyone has seen the shameful Hillary Clinton "3 AM" ad by now, the one where she very gracefully plays the Rovian fear card - subtly suggesting that an Obama presidency would bring about nothing short of Armageddon. Even though the Obama campaign countered immediately with what I feel is a superb response ad, we here at Vibe.com(see: me) want to take it a step further. So here are three videos, one made by an Obama supporter where Bill Clinton seems to be giving Obama a futuristic endorsement back in 04' - and the other two video's are spoofs of the "3AM" ad. (Hat tip to Bob Cesca and Lee Stranahan)

The Clinton Campaign reminds me of "Police Academy"

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:51:43 -0500

As any self-respecting black person who happens to have scores of white friends will tell you, sometimes maintaining said relationships requires you to walk a line thinner than Amy Winehouse's silhouette - an ongoing battle consisting of trying not to come across like a malcontented militant every time someone makes an ethnic misstatement and doing your damnedest to never be the human embodiment of a black character in a John Hughes movie, an inconsequential mascot of sorts. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of white folks out there who happen to be cooler than Eskimo vagina, individuals who have the good sense that god gave them - people who, upon their last dying day, will never have a Romney-esque moment of racial awkwardness anywhere on their resume. But sometimes, after giving a person the black friend "stamp of approval" so to speak, they broadside you with the obligatory "What's up my nigga?" in a crowded bar or sarcastically ask you if you think O.J was guilty or not. Suddenly you find yourself standing on the corner of "Schooling them" street and "abandoning the entire fucking friendship" avenue. Because of that, similar to the way a historically abused animal may flinch or growl aggressively if a random person simply goes to pet them - you overreact and tend to see examples of blatant racism when there is none. *Enter a very innocent game of "Trivial Pursuit"*. Around Christmas time, my friend Jodi and her husband Sam invited me over their house for a duel celebration of sorts - of both the day that epitomizes consumerism and the announcement that my dear friend was expecting her very first child. After a delicious dinner, and digesting so many spirits that the liver of this underachieving writer summoned the ghost of Ernest Hemingway - the ten or so people who were left split up into pairs and decided to take part in a friendly game of "Trivial Pursuit". Everyone was laughing, good times were had by all - and even though I pride myself on knowing an inordinate amount of useless information necessary to crush the will of lesser mortals in these types of trivia games, I had decided just to have a good time. That was until, after having a few softball questions about Hip Hop thrown my direction - I heard someone say, "Shit man, he would know that!!" It didn't even matter to me who had said it, my brain automatically went into overdrive - that night, I was intent on proving that I was no throwaway character in a John Hughes flick. When asked a simple question about Ronald Reagan, I answered it, then proceeded to unnecessarily name the four men who acted as Chief of Staff under his administration - when a pedestrian question was posed to me about a Dr. Suess book title, not only did a answer it before the person even finished asking it, I went on a rather breathy and ill-advised rant about Iambic Pentameter. No one was impressed with my "vast grasp" of the issues, which was the first sign that I might have overreacted. Then when I realized that Jodi was the person who made the comment that set me off, a woman who I've had a million and one conversations about Hip Hop with - I automatically felt like that abused canine who bites people with the purest of intentions. From that point the rest of the night went swimmingly well, but I did take something from that Christmas party that keeps me up most nights - when it comes to those abysmal "Police Academy" movies, I'm like a dread-locked walking Encyclopedia on the subject. A simple question about Steve Gutenberg segued into me breaking down every character and their specific quirks, what happened in each respective movie, even stating the government names of the actors who played roles in those respective flicks. I think it was in the middle of me breaking down the utter complexities of the character Takleberry, when I realized that there are some striking similarities between the "Police Academy" movies and Hillary Clinton's campaign. Hillary Clinton as "Cadet Laverne Hooks": I'm well aware that the "Laverne Hooks" role was a seldom used supporting character, and the comparison to Hillary Clinton might seem a bit strange - Mrs. Clinton being a formidable opponent to Barack Obama and a political powerhouse who has been in the publics consciousness for more than two decades. But the one thing that I noticed about the Laverne Hooks character, because of her soft spoken nature and extreme shyness - was an almost desperate need for the outside world to shower her with nothing but pity. Hillary is a very strong woman, she couldn't have gotten to where she is without boatloads of toughness - but whenever she's in a bind she plays the gender card like a master poker player. For example, "tear heard round the world" right before New Hampshire, her claiming that her opponents were "piling on" her during one of the debates - and what I feel was an open invitation to a pity party when she supposedly loaned her campaign 5 million dollars. A continuous theme with the Laverne Hooks is that when she is pushed to the limit, her soft-spoken nature is abandoned for that of a commanding drill Sargent - and we all witnessed Ms. Clinton "find her voice" after New Hampshire. Bill Clinton as "Cadet Carey Mahoney": Just like the character that Steve Guttenberg portrays, Bill Clinton is also a silver-tongued ladies man with a penchant for mischief and Shenanigans. From his constant squabbling with reporters, shamelessly distorting Obama's Iraq war position, to his ill-advised "Jesse Jackson" comment - this political season has really brought out Bill's zaniness. I'm still waiting for Bubba to put shoe polish around the end of Barack Obama's megaphone. Mark Penn - "Cadet Eugene Tackleberry": Who doesn't love Tackleberry? When I think about the walking arsenal with a heart of gold, the guy whose over-zealousness might put an extremely large hole in your grandmother's back, but only for the greater good of course - I automatically think of Hillary Clinton's top campaign strategist, Mark Penn. Like Tackleberry, dismissing low calibre service revolvers given to him by the department for his own brand of lethal machinery, not only will Mr. Penn instruct campaign surrogates to damage their good names(and not so good names) by leveling baseless smears at Obama - when all else fails, he emerges from the shadows to do the dirty work himself. But then again, in a head to head match-up - Mark Penn is much more of an unsavory person than Tackleberry ever could be. Tackleberry busts heads, Mark Penn busts unions, Takleberry represents the people he's protecting - Mark Penn's company represents Blackwater.Game. Set. Match. Like. A . Motherfucker. Howard Wolfson - "Cadet Larvelle Jones": We can all agree, now looking back at those "Police Academy" movies, that they were both fundamentally bad and predictably formulaic - but the one thing that never gets old is the character of "Cadet Larvelle Jones" played by actor Michael Winslow. His art of distracting people by verbally imitating gun shots, foot steps, and horses sounds is absolutely a force to be reckoned with - which is why I'm equally impressed by Hillary Clinton's press secretary Howard Wolfson, based how his sole intention of distracting the American voter with whats really important. Whether its Tony Rezko, Obama apparently snubbing Hillary, and this recent nonsense about Barack being afraid to debate Hillary in Wisconsin after 18 debates - it immediately becomes apparent that Michael Winslow doesn't have shit on Howard Wolfson. Clinton Campaign Staffers - "The Kirklands": You remember the Kirklands? A fun-loving bunch introduced to us in the second Police Academy installment, a family that expressed their love for each other with stiff right jabs and your garden variety body blow - its pretty stunning how much Hillary Clinton's campaign staffers mirror this fictitious family. With Mark Penn and Mandy Grunwald engaging in shouting matches, campaign shake-ups, resignations/demotions - not for nothing, but a well placed fist to the chin would be a better alternative to the absolute disarray the Clinton Campaign seems to be in right now.

Pat Buchanan: The "Statler & Waldorf" of Political Punditry

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 15:36:55 -0500

Poor David Shuster. The man is having his livelihood carelessly toyed with by a political campaign seemingly more interested in scoring cheap political points than getting their candidate's message out to the masses. With entire news cycles bombarding our collective consciousness with State of the Union snubs, Obama's Ronald Reagan fan-club, Kindergarten era presidential aspirations, Crying on cue, campaign shake-ups, and a Tony Rezko non-scandal being promoted from a campaign headquarters made completely out of glass - forgive me for not being able to tell when the outrage is live or when its Memorex. Even though I completely agree with the point that David Shuster was making, how unseemly it seems for the Clinton campaign to shamelessly send Chelsea out there to woo super-delegates - his remarks that she was being "pimped out" were both wrong and reprehensible, absolutely deserving of a suspension. That being said, the guy apologized, twice, and doesn't have a history of insensitivity to speak of - but the Clinton campaign's eagerness to keep this story alive is either just an example of them "working the refs" so to speak, or making David Shuster a scapegoat for Chris Matthews' history of making clearly sexist remarks about the New York Senator. But what is lost in Shuster-gate, Chris Matthews' lockeroom talk, and Hillary Clinton supporters the world over feeling as if MSNBC as a whole has some sort of hidden agenda against their respective candidate - is that Barack Obama has it the worst of all since he has the Statler & Waldolf of political punditry constantly attacking him. You remember Statler & Waldolf don't you? The two old and ornery bastards on "The Muppet Show", hating on everything with reckless abandon from the comfort of their balcony seats - this is the image that immediately comes to mind every time Pat Buchanan criticizes Obama ad nauseum. I'm fully aware that Buchanan is an old school conservative, so waiting for him to shower the junior Senator from Illinois with obscene amounts of praise would be a moot point - but his rhetoric is filled with so many Clinton talking points, you'd think that the decrepit fuck worked for the campaign. During Super-Tuesday, before any of the exit polling started coming in - Buchanan was saying that Obama was the "black candidate" and that if he couldn't get over 20 percent of the white vote he was finished. When Obama outperformed Pat's hamfisted expectations of the white vote, he didn't do the journalistically responsible thing and admit his mistakes - he just shifted his venom to another talking point about Obama garnering too much of the black vote was problematic, or something utterly nonsensical like that. The funny thing is, when all else fails and the facts completely abandon his piss poor, agenda driven arguments - he plays dime-store psychic and stuff like "The Republican Attack machine will tear Obama apart!!" comes oozing out the sides of his mouth. Pat, you are the Jim Kelly of political pundits so just shut the fuck up already - we all know that Hillary Clinton would be an easier general election candidate for people who share your political affiliation. At least now I know that the hand up your ass, making your mouth move that is - happens to be controlled by the RNC.