Sean Fennessey

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Breaking it down, one single at a time.

Kill Your Idols: The Final 12

Posted 03/15/2007 at 1:52 AM | Comment?

So we're a little late today. Deepest apologies, travels to Austin, TX. (where we'll be blogging for the rest of the week at the South by Southwest Music Festival) got in the way of hitting you with nasty chatter about last night's epic edition of American Idol. We're down to 12 contestants: 6 girls, 5 guys, and Sanjaya. And the mentor program began last night, coordinated nicely with the release of Diana Ross new album, I Love You, which isn't very good. That said, Ross' catalogue with The Supremes and later her solo career is rich with recognizable jams. So how did these aspiring divas fare?

PERM-ANENT PRESS
Jon Caramanica: So did you get that press release?
Sean Fennessey: Which would that be?
JC: READY FOR THE WORLD is making a comeback
JC: f/ Sanjaya Malakar
JC: (and, on Sundays, Chris Sligh)
SF: I'm ready for for Sanjaya Malakar to exit stage right.
JC: Dude, this was his BEST week.
SF: Are you kidding?
JC: Not at all.
SF: That was abysmal.
JC: He finally moved.
SF: Wow, you and the rest of America need to chill on the Paxil during that drag queen performances.
JC: It was weak, but if he goes out , he goes on a high note.
SF: HE HAD A PERM!
JC: It was so brilliant.
JC: I hope, if he stays, that he does zanier and zanier shit each week.
JC: In my mind, I hope he's doing it on purpose.
SF: I can't believe someone would do that in public..
SF: It's not cute.
SF: It's not endearing.
SF: It's arrogant.
SF: And not in the good way.
JC: You can't even mean that - he doesn't know the definition of the word.
JC: "Sanjaya, to me, is love."
JC: Much like Chris Sligh.
JC: (your subscription to Hype Hair is in the mail, boss)
JC: F**k a judge - I thought he was good.
JC: Even if he did turn "Endless Love" into a Xian rock song.
SF: Sligh, I thought, was dope actually.
SF: Paula is on some uppity shit lately.
JC: He did the absolute right thing - making a song his people could feel.
SF: Exactly. He like Haley, just needs to stay in his zone
JC: Randy was right with that Coldplay shit, though.
JC: Rickey Minor's gonna gaffle him backstage
SF: Yeah, but sounding like Coldplay is a great look for Chris Sligh!

DIVA LESSONS
JC: What zone is Haley's?
JC: The Dead Zone?
SF: Drunken divorcee.
JC: Hey, they gave her the McPhee hair this week.
SF: Holla.
JC: I love how after Haley said she was singing the song about her fiance, Diana was like, "I recorded that song after Marvin Gaye's death..."
JC: F**k your puppy love.
SF: That was a good diva moment.
JC: She was a mess, though - barely hit any right notes. Wtf was Simon talking about?
SF: She lost her way when she realized she forgot the words.
SF: But as an idea, I'm warming to her, too.
JC: Are you looking for a singer for your new bar/lounge in Seacacus?
SF: Yes, it's called Razzles.
SF: Two for one cosmopolitans before 9pm.
JC: I'll have the Veal Scarnato, please.
SF: (chortle)
JC: I think Simon's playing psychology games with America.
JC: Maybe if he says she's safe, they won't vote, and she'll be gone.
SF: I don't think so. I think he wants someone who can do white adult contemporary
SF: He messes with that.
JC: He should be all over Phil, then.
JC: That dude has VH1 tatted on his neck.
SF: Bless him. I thought he did his thing (No Randy).
JC: Really?
JC: Hot mess.
JC: I always feel like his esophagus might jump out through his mouth.
SF: He is a bit gremlin-esque, but I think the world needs a new John Waite.

THE YOUTH
JC: Unlike Chris Richardson, who considers rhythmic coughing a form of vocal innovation.
SF: But what a performer!
SF: Teen America is nestled in the hairs of his nasty little goatee
JC: and his bad little teeth.
JC: Glad Simon dropped the hammer on him, though - the Timberfake thing is growing old.
JC: And, this week, Blake out-Timberfaked Chris.
SF: I guess.
SF: I'm never co-signing anything Blake ever does.
JC: For the first time, I thought, here's something.
SF: Mob Law?
SF: F**k outta here.
JC: BIG week for backpack rap.
JC: Common Market!
SF: That dude needed to perform "I'm Comin' Out."
JC: No sorbet.
JC: I thought he was really smart. It was a little Thievery Corporation-ish, but that's a good lane for him.
SF: Side note: Diana Ross is a terrible theme night.
SF: She has lots of hits, obvs., but so few of them are about vocal performance.
SF: She's so in the pocket, very few runs, not showy, backup singers doing heavy lifting.
JC: Her 60s stuff is better, obvs, as Stephanie found out.
SF: And that whispery stuff she does never comes off live.
JC: Panic without the disco.
SF: I actually love "Love Hangover", but man, how could you drop out the disco?
SF: Also, the band blew that one. Sounded terrible.
JC: America don't like disco.
JC: This was the first time Stephanie wore a dress that didn't make her look 43.
SF: Yeah, except it didn't fit.
JC: Easy, Philip Bloch.
SF: You can't sound like Beyonce and dress like Michelle Williams.
JC: And you can't sound like Michele Williams, and look like her, too.
JC: cf. Jordin Sparks
SF: She's headed straight to Broadway.
SF: What up "Putnam County Spelling Bee"?
JC: She sings everything like it's for the closing credits of "The Little Mermaid."
SF: She did the theme to "The Land Before Time"!
SF: She's like a bad cartoon theme cratedigger.
JC: Coming soon to a Diplo Baltimore club ripoff near you.

THE HOME STRETCH PANTS
JC: So LaKisha or Melinda?
SF: KiKi did it for me.
SF: That was gutsy. And the judges were on point.
JC: She was restrained.
JC: One day the judges will notice that Melinda belongs in a senior citizens' home.
JC: If she wins, her MTV single is going to be heeelarious.
JC: BTW, Paula hasn't cried that much since Corey Clark went public with her Promethazine bottle.
JC: Idol of Syrup.
SF: Agreed on all counts. Melinda's great and old and boring and gifted and boring. And old.
JC: Just like Brandon.
JC: You know who liked him, though?
JC: THE CAST OF "BONES"
JC: Get it - bones?
JC: Because bones are old.
JC: Good thing it wasn't the cast of "House."
JC: Then everyone would have had to do a 17-minute Mark Farina version of their song.
SF: You've run off the deep end.
JC: I AM the deep end.
JC: Much like Miss Ross: "You must PRO NUN CI ATE everything"
SF: Yeah, that's definitely not a word.
SF: Paula graciously used "enunciate" after that performance.
JC: Did she?
JC: Slick.
JC: OK, now to the phone lines. Who's gone?
JC: I'm going Haley or Phil
SF: I say Stephanie.
SF: Unfortunately.
SF: Dial Idol says Chris Sligh is in trouble.
SF: Naturally, he has Jesus on his side.
JC: God won't let him go home.
JC: He still needs to turn a Beatles classic and a Hendrix number into praise songs.
SF: (fingers crossed)