February 2008 Archives
Kill Your Idols: What You May Not Know About Me
Tags: Kill Your Idols
Four down (Bye Colton!) and 20 to go before we arrive at your winner of the seventh season of American Idol...David Archuleta. The preocious 17-year-old received some of the highest praise ever on this week's episode of Idol. We're not so sure about him just yet. One thing you may not know about me and Music Editor Jon Caramanica? We do all of this for you. Enjoy.
THE GUYS
Sean Fennessey: Did you know there are different levels of rock?
Jon Caramanica: Sure
JC: Igneous
JC: The rock near the Earth's core
SF: Magma!
JC: Great metal band
SF: You're welcome, by the way
JC: Am I?
SF: You should be
SF: Robbie Carrico's Bret Michaels weave is not a good look
SF: At all
JC: TMZ broke the news!
SF: Who else?
JC: So tragic for him
JC: He coulda played Orlando bars for 30 years and no one woulda said shit
SF: What was the name of his boy band?
JC: Boyz Unlimited?
SF: PAUSE
JC: pause
JC: sigh
SF: Fucking Lou Pearlman
JC: That's the name of Robbie's blog
SF: Secret blog, obvs.
SF: What up Emily Gould!
JC: Heartbreak Soup is the jam
SF: That's your LIFE!
JC: Please no
JC: No relationship-status updates for me
JC: Besides, I don't even write for Page Six magazine
SF: Wish not want not, mon frere
SF: This is probably more time than I wanted to spend on a Carrico tangent
JC: Hey man, is that Freedom Rock, man?
JC: TURN IT UP!
JC: Sorry
JC: Just needed to get that out
SF: I'll be straight here: Who was your favorite performer?
JC: NOTA
JC: or David
JC: (Eva Cassidy jacker - word to Ann Powers)
SF: No love for Chikezie?
JC: He swagged it out
JC: (ugh)
JC: But was dressed all wrong
SF: True
JC: Decent vocal gestures
JC: But that's all
SF: He's a good smiler
SF: Expressive
JC: That nails it
SF: He's got jokes, too
JC: I love how his intro film basically validated what I was saying last week
JC: He's been hating white people for years
JC: Decades
JC: They stay butchering his name
SF: He's gunning for Simon without even trying
SF: No one knows anything about Nigeria.
JC: Nollywood stand up
JC: Erykah Badu feature stand up
SF: Dennis Lim is caking
JC: Check is in the mail, player!
SF: I'm getting more comfortable with Danny
JC: Too bad Danny isn't
JC: That was really rough
SF: This week he looked like the girl who rented me Beowulf at Blockbuster before the show
SF: She was like Juno with fake-n-bake
JC: EXCLUSIVE DIABLO CODY NUDE PIX CLICK HERE
SF: Good call, upping the hit count there, BTW
SF: I'm just really into his attitude, it's like no ever told him he's sort of weird, which is an awesome trait for a famous person
JC: He shoulda done the Vandross version, not the Carpenters version
JC: He's an R&B singer who wants to be a disco vamp
JC: After Studdard, you can't do "Superstar"
JC: It would be like doing "Summertime" post-Fantasia (and Leona Lewis)
SF: I think Danny will do well on the show, early struggles and he'll rise like a phoenix
JC: I agree
JC: But when David Cook was talking about his passion for WORD SEARCHES, I literally typed "idol is dead"
SF: And David Hernandez, who's probably already blown his load
SF: He looks like he's trying so hard out there
JC: (invert those)
SF: He was very good this week, but I think he's going to have an aneurysm.
JC: He's a lot like the girls - technically proficient, but utterly mechanical
JC: Good and anonymous all at once
SF: Jason on the hand, doesn't even know where he is half the time
JC: Rough time this week
JC: He'll recover though
SF: He's got charm
JC: He has half a personality
JC: "I'm not good at talking"
JC: Too true!
SF: Michael Johns is going to be crushed when he gets voted off in the final 8
JC: Yeah, that dude's a goner
JC: I know you picked him for final 2, but c'mon
JC: He plays TENNIS!
JC: TENNIS
JC: Clears his mind
SF: He's totally decent.
SF: But putting him against Archuleta, who is like fucking Gannon from Zelda right now, is ridiculous
SF: You can't beat Gannon
JC: Did little David drink a grip of Muscle Milk in the past week?
JC: He was looking a touch diesel
SF: David's pockets are on creatine
JC: Kaching!
JC: He got superpowers from the pound Justin Guarini gave him six years ago
SF: Kelly Clarkson was sprung!
JC: You care about the Eva Cassidy thing?
JC: His arrangement of "Imagine" was actually hers, it seems
SF: Oh no, not at all
SF: He's been doing that version for a few years according to Youtube
JC: Ed Kowalcyk is heated once more
JC: It has a slight whiff of duplicity
SF: It's not like these kids have to do anything other than sing these songs
SF: Just ask A capella overlord Luke Menard
JC: Chapter 6?!?!?!?!?!?
JC: AYFKM?
SF: So great
SF: I fell off my couch
JC: They went to Africa!
SF: Why are you on Idol?!? People are paying you in Japan to sing!
JC: He was on his late-period Van der Beek
SF: Seacrest called him on it
JC: I didn't understand a word that guy sang
JC: That song is 50 times cooler than him
JC: And that's not even a good Queen song
SF: A total car crash
JC: Better, possibly, than your man Yeager
SF: Simon was right, people just shouldnt sing Queen
JC: (though I'm definitely feeling like we should go see Michael McDonald at the Blue Note next week)
SF: My Dad, loyal Doobie Brothers fan he is, was probably tossing Ludlum novels at the screen after Yeager
JC: IDOL IS DEAD
SF: Also, Paula was pretty on point all night, especially about Yeager
JC: Yeah, her medication balance is pretty good right now
SF: She's in a good place, I'm proud of her
JC: Except for the murdering David A thing
JC: I don't even hang dice from my rear view mirror
JC: Was that a '70s joke?
SF: She wanted to "squish his head" right?
SF: That's unsettling.
JC: I bet all the other guys were like, please please please we're dying here please please please
SF: I changed my mind, Paula's batshit crazy
JC: Anyone coming close to touching Archuleta?
SF: Sadly, no. Kid is a Disney Channel special waiting to happen.
SF: And Idol knows it and they're filling the place with Ashley Ferls every week from now on.
JC: The other TMZ scoop is that apparently 19 Management is already reaching out to songwriters for him
JC: Kara Dioguardi, get ready
SF: And scene!
JC: No The-Dream joke?
THE GIRLS
JC: Gimme one sec - gotta get some water
SF: The way Paula feels about David I think is the way I feel about Asia'h
JC: Tough to hit those notes in a high-waisted skirt!
JC: Simon was right about the song being a little big for her
JC: But she did 80%, which was enough for me
SF: I disagree, it was almost all the way there for me and I was confused by Simon's comment
SF: It seemed unnecessarily harsh
JC: I'd actually been thinking the same thing
SF: America doesn't understand what he's saying and they're going to think she's bad
JC: And was feeling bad for having to write it here
JC: Simon is incapable of irony or deception
JC: Witness his response to Brooke
JC: Umma do me
SF: You just can't put that out in the world when it was a pretty horrible night all the way around.
JC: Surprisingly tough
SF: Even Randy started every critique with 'So listen..."
SF: Never a good sign
JC: Again, they can sing, but they have no passion
SF: Syesha seems a bit manufactured at this point, especially after learning about her, er, acting career.
JC: Go get me that shell!
JC: Kristy Lee...um
JC: Go fug yourself
SF: Kristy needs to ease up on that push-up bra
JC: Kristy should only wear all camo
JC: My Big Redneck Idol
SF: Not sure if you heard, she's a tomboy
JC: Courting the "Redneck Woman" demo
SF: Ilene on Kristy: "I hate people who like horses."
JC: Ilene should take over for a week
SF: Would obviously be better than me.
JC: Obvs
SF: But she also really likes Brooke, so she's disqualified
JC: Yeesh
JC: Nothing there
SF: Starbucks?
JC: Not even
SF: White women like that stuff
JC: No Yael Naim, she
SF: So true
JC: I have no idea what white women like
JC: Not my strong suit
SF: Neither does Simon
JC: I love how when he doesn't know a song, it's their fault
SF: He'd never heard Heart's "Magic Man"!
JC: Remind you of anyone we know?
SF: Aiyo!
JC: The best part of the internet is that no one reads it
JC: Technology!
SF: You think Amanda Overmyer knows what the internet is?
JC: She's one of those "knowledge is power kinda people"
JC: So no
SF: But she IS a reader.
JC: Her last notes were good, I thought
SF: The "stuff you didn't know about me" feature is hilarious.
SF: I didn't even know Luke Menard's name until last week.
SF: You'd think they'd let that one breathe until the final 12
JC: Carly has TWO jobs
SF: She's still trying to pay her label back for her advance
JC: Tough to recoup $2.3 million
SF: Carly is not the kind of singer I ever get to know if they have a song on the radio
JC: Um, so her dress tonight...was kinda...loose...bouncy
JC: Deliberate?
SF: Carly is not that curvy.
SF: She's Irish.
SF: Trust me
SF: What's an example of a hit song right now that Carly could have recorded
JC: Carly could have recorded the Cascada version of "What Hurts The Most"
JC: (6 weeks late, K!)
JC: While Kady Malloy duets with Paul Potts!
SF: There's something about her, can't put my finger on it.
SF: She looks like she smokes a lot of weed.
SF: You know, working late in the studio, doing Britney for the engineers while Nelly records.
JC: All I could think was "Simon, trust me, Kady is NOT overanalyzing"
JC: Alaina's taking her "goofy blonde" slot
SF: She's not bad
SF: A ditz
SF: But not bad
JC: She did Grease!
JC: White girls love Grease!
SF: Ilene "loves that song."
JC: I, too, love that song
JC: I had a cheesy girlfriend once who used to play the soundtrack incessantly
JC: I capitulated
SF: It's not that bad around these parts
SF: But if it's on cable, fuckin forget it
SF: Afternoon over
JC: Got that DVR programmed?
SF: Nah, just on the flip
JC: Will there be Grease karaoke at the wedding?
SF: NEVER THAT
JC: Bachelor party?
SF: Let's take this one day at a time
JC: Ramiele?
SF: Brutal
JC: She reads the interweb!
SF: Straight karaoke
JC: I kinda liked it
JC: A little literal, but she can sing
JC: She has a dark soul though
SF: She can, hard to watch her butcher a song I already dislike
JC: Her secret is that she hates everyone else on the show
JC: At least we don't have to keep it secret
SF: "One thing you may not know about me is I hope Carly dies!"
JC: "One thing you may not know about me is that I bought that outfit for Alexandria at Yellow Rat Bastard in 1995"
RIP Steve "Static Major" Garrett
Tags: Aaliyah, Ginuwine, Static Major, Timbaland
Aaliyah: "Are You That Somebody?"
from Dr. Dolittle OST
Ginuwine: "Pony"
from Ginuwine...The Bachelor
Playa: "Your Dress"
from Dr. Dolittle OST
Bless the dead. A fine singer and even better writer, here's a modest ode to one of the fathers of today's R&B voice. Cop this.
Kill Your Idols: The Top 12 Guys & Top 12 Girls
Tags: Kill Your Idols
Another double dip into American Idol's carnival of foolishness today, wherein Jon Caramanica and I chronicle the highs and lows of your most talented 24 ever. We'll start with the fellas and then move on to the ladies. Drink it up.
THE GUYS
Jon Caramanica: What is with the secret theme?
JC: Why did it take til Chikezie for someone to say it was 60s night?
Sean Fennessey: Strange, right?
JC: They're hiding from the standards
SF: Also, they've been doing that theme almost every season and it's always bad
JC: You can't call people "old-fashioned" as a critique and then kick off with throwback hour!
SF: Exactly, Simon knows only about 30% of these songs
SF: His knowledge starts with pop opera and ends with Whitney
SF: What the hell is he listening to?
JC: KATE BUSH
JC: Do you think Chikezie dropped his last name because he's suspicious of white people?
JC: And he knew they'd be all WHAT UP CHAKEEZEE EEZEE?
SF: Obviously the joke's on him. His parents must hate him to give him that name.
SF: But it's memorable!
JC: This week, he was more like Ch-iz-eeky!
JC: He was on his Josiah!
SF: Let's not lose our heads here, Jon.
SF: There's no Josiah left on that cold Hollywood soundstage
JC: Not vocally, duh
JC: In his post-song banter
SF: "It took a lot of guts"
JC: Real talk - best Idol performance of the week was Josiah on the Ellen Degeneres show
JC: He did "To Run"
SF: Did you assign that ten page feature on him yet?
JC: To myself!
JC: I, too, have a car
JC: Ellen gave him like $8,000 of free music gear
JC: ALREADY A WINNER
SF: Josiah is still caking off that Snocap, too.
JC: You can't make the same joke I made last week
JC: I mean, you can't "cover" my joke
SF: I've been doing it my whole career!
JC: Ba-dum-dum
JC: Feist = funny!
SF: I'm not letting this kid die if I have to watch Jason Yeager sing like he just walked out of the Phi Kappa Beta house.
JC: Jason Yeager?
JC: Doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid
SF: You know, bland guy, looks like he just got done date raping someone?
JC: Nope, no, nothing
JC: Somewhere in Oklahoma, Kyle Ensley is seething
SF: That guy hasn't seethed a day in his life.
SF: He's probably knitting
JC: He's so soft rock
JC: Which is killing it this year
JC: Like Kim Kardashian!
SF: Ouch
SF: But Colton Berry is still a huge theater kid d-bag.
JC: Yup
JC: Colton totes shot at you in his intro last night
JC: "From certain angles, I look like Ellen DeGeneres"
SF: He knows where to find me if he wants some.
SF: I'm out here on the Internet.
JC: I'm not even gonna pause that
JC: Because I know you mean it
JC: He was terrible
SF: He's just bad. Missed the point of "Suspicious Minds," looked weird. He should just do songs from Oklahoma! every week
JC: Danny's Elvis was better, and that dude was dancing like Iggy Pop
JC: That kid can do Vandross, I swear
SF: He's good, even though his song choice was bad.
JC: I know he wants to be all the person he authentically is this year (did you see that haircut from last year?) but really, he's a better soul singer than any guy this year
SF: Still hard to look at. He looks exactly like Tyra Banks.
JC: Amazing
JC: He'll get a better hair solution as he progresses, I imagine
JC: Though the outfit was spot on, I thought
SF: Hoping so, he's got promise.
SF: Unlike, say, oh, maybe Luke Menard
SF: WTF man!
JC: Again, doesn't ring a bell
SF: Speaking of missing the point of songs, Luke.
JC: Nope... nothing
SF: Motherfucker sang Harry Nilsson like it was some happy shit
SF: That's a song about paranoia and he was straight cheesing the whole time.
JC: Honest truth - Ace Young woulda killed that song
JC: Searing with his eyes
SF: Pause
JC: Luke is a carpet cleaner!
SF: So many jokes here
JC: I guarantee, there are going to be some clean fucking carpets in his hometown next week
SF: Congrats, you are the winner of the Luke Menard clean carpet joke this week on Kill Your Idols.
JC: Brought to you by Dyson
JC: "We can vacuum every contestant's hair...except for Garrett's"
SF: Hahahaha
SF: "Haunted"
JC: "It looks like you've been shut up in your bedroom for about a month. You're verging on haunted."
JC: I would like to write record reviews so elegantly
JC: booooooooooooooooooooo
JC: Thumbs down
SF: Josiah locked Garrett in a closet all week.
SF: That's why he's so pale.
JC: Garrett is not actually human
JC: He literally looked like a ghost tonight, sorta hovering near the stage while the girls performed
SF: He is the android surfer kid sent to earth to destroy teen girls' virginity with his wispy attitude
JC: I don't even think a virgin could love him
JC: I'm waiting for his hair to grow over his face and then he'll disappear
SF: Would it be over the top if I hoped Yeager, Menard and Garrett died before the voting show?
JC: Not really
SF: Consider it done.
JC: California, are you out there?
JC: Just please don't hit Jason Castro with a stray
JC: You think he's texting Cheyenne: 'Stupid bitch, I'm famous!'
SF: Is he really the only one smart enough to perform with a guitar?
SF: What was David Cook thinking?
JC: How he can't wait to sing "I'll Be" in some future week
SF: Seriously, Castro is good. He probably won't do well with, say, ABBA week.
JC: Nah, Castro will be awesome on ABBA week - he'll play the guitar like a drum kit. It'll be sexy
JC: Also, he has an innovative hairstyle - the flat-hawk (a flattened mohawk)
JC: Take that, Sanjaya
SF: He's clearly smart about arrangements and he's got genius Jack Johnson charisma
JC: He's like the guy from Incubus if that dude didn't suck
SF: That's your wife.
JC: sigh
JC: You know I'm saving myself for David Archuleta
JC: Did his voice break mid-song?
JC: Sounded like he might have hit puberty
SF: He looks like Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry
SF: Also, not that great a singer
JC: Really?
SF: He's good, but the judges need to chill.
SF: Who wants to buy that kid's album of Bryan Adams ballads?
JC: That was a little grown of a song for him, but he can legitimately sing
JC: He thinks about the notes too much, though - it's visible
SF: In what universe is that popular music?
JC: The 2 million people who bough the first Clay Aiken album
SF: CLAY AIKEN IS DEAD
SF: LONG LIVE CLAY AIKEN
JC: His "Bridge Over Troubled Water" was the lick
JC: Get familiar
SF: I just never understand the judge's perception of "current."
JC: It's a sham
SF: They clearly don't listen to modern pop and R&B
SF: Wait, Michael Johns?
JC: Michael Johns - WILD BORING
JC: Also awaiting his chance to sing "I'll Be"
JC: Also, NOT Josiah
JC: Did you listen to Michael Johns' old band on iTunes?
JC: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
SF: I have this weird urge to hear Michael Johns over a Neptunes beat
JC: Chester French, what up?
SF: "Please Don't Mind" cover maybe?
SF: You know who America doesn't care about?
JC: The High Speed Scene?
SF: I miss Star Trak's "wacky" roster
JC: Like Kenna!
JC: (ha!)
SF: Poor Kenna
JC: Kenna - less burn than Vanessa Marquez!
SF: Also, David Hernandez and his fake gospel take on the music of the '60s -- not good.
JC: Again, doesn't ring a bell
SF: So who's getting booted?
JC: EVERYONE
JC: Everyone but David Archuleta and Jason Castro should just go home
JC: Or get adopted
SF: I think Robbie Carrico has a bright future as a Fuel cover band lead singer
JC: He's like one-fifteenth of Daughtry
JC: And his bandanas are perverse
SF: Boy band castoff!
JC: Unacceptable
JC: It looks like he's on Survivor in the fifth week or something
SF: Someone call Josiah, stat.
JC: Josiah don't need us no more
THE GIRLS
JC: STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING SICK
JC: And Ryan, stop touching on them
JC: It's creepy
JC: The boys were better than they should have been, and the girls were worse
SF: Both episodes were backloaded
SF: David, Jason and Michael for guys
SF: Asia'h, Syesha, Ramiele and Carly for girls
JC: Yeah, my girl Kristy Lee Cook bricked her opening slot
SF: Your girl looks like she just got waterboarded
JC: Looked like she spilled 14 bottles of wite-out on her jeans
SF: Not a good look
JC: Shoulda sang Patsy Cline
SF: I just don't care about her
SF: I'm not impressed with people who sing "Amazing Grace" well
SF: You're an asshole if you CAN'T sing that song well
JC: And Alaina "Young Underwood" Whitaker kinda beat her at her own game!
SF: Alaina was good
SF: A pleasant surprise
JC: Terrible blouse
JC: But good voice
SF: Cute gap tooth!
JC: I know! Can't afford braces, prolly!
JC: Great music comes from struggle, Sean
SF: Hicks
JC: Amanda Overmeyer is still waiting for that last hair transplant to come through
JC: Also, she is 23?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
SF: I thought she looked a bit younger this week.
SF: But still like my grandma's sister.
JC: yeah, like 58 instead of 65
SF: Or Grace Slick's orthopedist.
SF: Hippie foot doctors!
JC: I've got nothing for that
SF: I'm going in
JC: She scatted - bad look
SF: Like your girl Leslie!
JC: Has Leslie Hall taught us nothing?
SF: Wow, Leslie. Man, Season 6 was terrible.
JC: I'm still riding with my acceptable-casualties theory
SF: Explain
JC: You can't have 12 Mandisas
JC: You can't have the audience want to root for everyone
JC: You need a Luke Menard
JC: Even when he says nothing it's a necessary use of negative space
SF: There aren't as many obviously bad females though.
SF: Amy Davis is very not good, but she is a peach to look at
SF: Same for Kristy Lee
JC: She's a corpse
JC: Kristy Lee was supposed to be a contender
SF: Bored to tears
SF: She can't hang with Syesha or Asia'h.
JC: No one can
SF: Those girls are on another level.
JC: Asia'h taught Overmeyer a lesson tonight
JC: I've got your Janis Joplin right here, sweetie
JC: Syesha is already grating on me
JC: She's too precious - used to be cute, now it's irksome
SF: I'm intrigued by Alexandrea - weird voice, good performer, sorta reminds me of Missy Elliott (is that mean?)
JC: Alexandrea is post-Winehouse, maybe, if that's possible?
JC: Like a nerdy Teyana Taylor
SF: Yes, that could be a thing maybe.
JC: She was not bad
SF: She'll never win
JC: No, of course not
JC: Good attitude
SF: Yeah, she was snapping on Seacrest.
JC: But she could get molded by a producer into something
JC: Ryan Leslie - are you watching?
JC: Seriously, give her a Santogold record and send her home
SF: Little Known Fact: Ryan Leslie loves Rapidshare
JC: True story?
SF: Of course not
JC: Maybe he made a YouTube video about us
SF: That's your classmate!
JC: 1 year behind!
JC: Before the sunglasses!
SF: Did he major in Icy Pop Bangers?
JC: Government, I think
SF: Same difference.
JC: He got his Ph.D. in Icy Pop Bangers
JC: He probably will want Asia'h over Alexandrea
JC: (Don't we all)
JC: Or maybe Ramiele!
SF: Asia'h, really, this is quite exciting.
SF: There is honest potential there.
SF: Ramiele is more Leslie's lane if you think about it
JC: She was a little Cafe Carlyle with it tonight, but I played it back a couple of times and she's got great shape to her voice
JC: God forbid he team up with Carly
JC: I liked it better when I wasn't watching her emote
SF: Glad to hear Simon come down on Carly
JC: Very necessary
SF: You can't talk contemporary all week and then praise that.
SF: She was singing for WWII veterans there.
JC: I mean, Kady Malloy was as good, frankly
JC: And there's not even a dim lightbulb going on inside that one
SF: Kady is pretty stunning actually.
SF: Way better looking than Britney
SF: Even young, hot Britney
JC: Great voice, and NO idea how to use it
JC: She thinks stupidity is a virtue
SF: She'll get better, they'll work with her
JC: She can be saved
SF: They need a white girl wildcard in there
JC: Brooke, though
JC: Ack
SF: Not mad, actually
JC: Seriously?
JC: David Cook bodied her on that song
SF: Yeah, I think she's sweet. Reminds me of people I meet in the world who aren't cold, beaten-down New York media types.
JC: Dude, you don't actually meet any people like that
SF: She's like the entire state of North Carolina bundled up into one yellow-haired smile factory
JC: It's like you're writing in Dutch or something - I see the words, but they don't mean anything to me
SF: Not a great singer, but more fun than fucking Carly
SF: That girl makes me want to become a cutter.
JC: Cutting is so last season
SF: What's next?
SF: Paging Jessica Shaw
JC: Does she still have a job?
SF: She's probably PAID
SF: People love lists
JC: YESTERDAY - I was sick
JC: TODAY - I am feeling sorta better
JC: TOMORROW - The world will still be a cold place
JC: Unless Asia'h wins this year, the whole show is a sham
SF: Asia'h is probably the only person on the show right now who could have a hit on Hot 97
JC: Or Z100
SF: Ramiele, maybe
JC: YYYYYOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
JC: I did not know Audrea was on this show!
JC: She's sneaky
SF: Aw, I can't believe you made that joke!
JC: So true!
SF: So easy!
JC: Always
SF: (She actually looks more like Aileen)
JC: I don't think so
SF: Filipina
JC: Yes, thank you Asian Studies major
JC: Dear Shelby Lynne - please be advised that your album of jazzy Dusty Springfield covers has just been completely toasted by a 20-year-old sushi waitress
JC: Who's going home?
SF: Joanne and Amy
JC: Amy and Amanda
JC: Can we just close by noting that Paula closed this episode by jerking off a microphone on live television?
SF: She's so meta
JC: Janet Jackson, come home - all is forgiven
JC:...
JC: except Discipline!
Kill Your Idols: Hollywood Week & The Final 24
Tags: Kill Your Idols
We are back and ridiculously excited about the seventh AND EASILY GREATEST IN THE HISTORY OF PLANETS season of American Idol. For those new to the situation, each week Music Editor Jon Caramanica and I bitch, moan, lie, cheat, steal and cry over the previous night's episode of the reality singing contest. It's great fun. Maybe. Our first entry is a double dip analyzing the revamped Hollywood Week and selection of 24 episodes. Commence shit-talking.
WE FEEL FOR YOU, JOSIAH
Jon Caramanica: ARE YOU AFRAID OF DYING BECAUSE YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT?
Sean Fennessey: I'm already at a loss.
JC: Got those Cardin McKinney MySpace jams on in the background
SF: I got those Cardin McKinney JPEGs floating on my screensaver
JC: I didn't know I could love a pair of legs more than Antonella's...
SF: Shawty is a ten
JC: No model, though
JC: Joanne was on that Mo'nique
SF: + size is a good singer, but I wasn't feeling it.
JC: Cover of Plus Model magazine!
SF: What's with all these contestants with long ass reality show rap sheets?
SF: Syesha was on The One
SF: Your man David Archuleta was also getting that Star Search money back in '03.
JC: I mean, I've been saying this for years
JC: But I feel like half of all Americans have been on some kind of TV show
JC: To whoever does the national surveys: Can you put that question on there?
JC: I'm trying to get my niche-demo marketing cake
SF: The Census Bureau, get on your grind
JC: As re Joanne, my preferred plus-size model is Chikezie
JC: Your mom must be thrilled to have a young Luther on there
SF: You have no idea
SF: That guy is more Teddy Pendergrass to me, but I hear you.
JC: All apologies to Bubba Lampkin
SF: I'm sort of disappointed we didn't open with Josiah, the most humiliated contestant with talent I have ever seen
JC: Total mistake
SF: Wasn't that whole affair bizarre?
JC: That one-minute outro was probably the best TV this season will have to offer
SF: The kid was fascinating at worst, a real contender at best, plus they made us care about him
JC: THEY'RE SENDING HIM BACK TO THE WHIP
SF: Very strange execution
JC: NO PARENTS TO MEET HIM BY THE ELEVATOR
SF: That shit was sad.
JC: His MySpace is serious though - he been on that snocap
SF: Michael Johns was like "You're a songwriter, kid! You'll be fine."
SF: Meanwhile Johns is getting ass from Cardin backstage
JC: I'm sure he would have been a mess trying to do arrangements that didn't emanate from his own frontal lobe
JC: They're gonna tell me Michael Johns isn't 44?
SF: I think that is Robin Thicke
JC: BEST SEASON EVER
JC: I'm super sad about Josiah
JC: Him and Kyle
SF: Me, too, seriously, what the fuck?
JC: Kyle bodied that Groban
JC: (And looks like my man Josh 10 years ago - don't worry, Kyle. you'll grow out of it!)
SF: Kyle was eons better than Colton Berry (Again, WTF?) but I could see Paula not getting him
JC: One more thing on Josiah - I actually liked his "Stand By Me"
SF: Me too!
SF: I knew we were both gonna be feeling that kid (PAUSE)
JC: He gets the changes, knows how to make easy alterations to melodies
JC: He's an obvious ringer for us
SF: His Mika imitation was uncanny, too. That song is hard to sing.
JC: He'll always have a career as the frontman for Saves The Day, though
SF: Badum-cha
JC: You thought i'd forget?
FALSE PROPHETS
SF: So about this Carly Smithson crock of shit...
SF: That girl is overrated and not fun to look at
JC: Man, did her husband tattoo her tongue blue?
JC: What was going on with that yesterday?
SF: I know my notes read: "Blue tongues in, I guess?"
JC: I saw some of the talent in the last couple of songs
JC: But sheesh, here's a person who has demonstrated a severe lack of ability to sell records
JC: You'd think that would make Simon's dick soft
JC: Also, not to be all Lou Dobbs up in here
JC: but Irish Idol?
SF: I'm saying.
JC: Australian Idol? (Michael Johns)
SF: RINGERS RINGERS RINGERS RINGERS
SF: That's the theme this year
JC: Can Drew Poppelreiter eat?
JC: Praise a cowboy, save a turkey
SF: Is Kristy Lee Cook the only Country rep?
JC: Well, maybe (Leif) Garrett Haley sings country?
JC: For what it's worth, this is a girls' season
JC: I have no idea what he sounds like
SF: Speaking of...
SF: Who the hell is Jason Castro, Luke Menard, Kady Malloy, Amy Davis, Alaina Whitaker, Alex Lushington, Robbie Carrico and Jason Yager?
JC: Totes
JC: Collateral damage - easy early round sacrifices to make way for the rest...
SF: Could we get a note or two on those people?
JC: Carrico's legit-ish
JC:The rest...
SF: Fuckin' Josiah makin' us fall in love with his sad bastard story and I don't even know what a Garrett Haley is.
SF: How are people supposed to vote for strangers?
JC: they're _not_ - that's the point I was making
JC: They're easy marks to make way for the real top 12, already diabolically pre-selected by the Simons
SF: That's a dirty trick.
JC: I only figured it out last season
SF: Has it always been like this? I feel hoodwinked.
JC: I think so
SF: At least they're repping for Asia'h Epperson (great name)
JC: Yeah, she's top 8 easy
JC: Maybe my fave
SF: Definitely mine
SF: Most contemporary by far
JC: Easily 6 really good girls
JC: Maybe 2 dudes
JC: Also, when they said Alaina Whitaker, I was, for a sec, thinking, "Alaina Alexander's back!?!?"
JC: FINALLY READY TO MAKE NICE
JC: Too bad
SF: That's your wife.
JC: Been waiting for that.
ROCK OF LOVE?
SF: Do you like Amanda Overmyer?
JC: No, I will not be getting any IVs administered by the rock & roll nurse
SF: Aw, too bad.
JC: I don't get that particular fetish catalog
SF: Well you don't care about classic rock, so she's an obvious no go for you.
JC: You riding?
SF: I'm not particularly taken with her voice, but I like her confidence.
SF: She was non-plussed when they pushed her through. Like "Yeah, cool, whatever, I'm in."
JC: I mean, she's 73 years old
JC: She's seen it all
SF: She didn't even know where she was, you're saying?
JC: Pretty much - all that hair dye has begun to seep in
SF: You know who's a trip?
JC: ?
SF: Danny Noriega - kid can sing the lights out, but I can't look at him for too long.
SF: He's the R&B Antony.
JC: Aw, cheap hair joke
SF: You just went in on Overmyer!
JC: She deserves it!
JC: Danny Noriega is what David Archuleta aspires to be someday!
JC: I'm riding
JC: [yes, pause]
SF: I like Noriega, too. There's just so much sass there. It's a Simon cat fight waiting to happen.
JC: you need to embrace your soft side, man
JC: THE MOST TALENTED TOP 24 IN WORLD HISTORY
SF: I was expecting Seacrest to start screaming WE THE BEST!
JC: If he wasn't rocking all that eye-area makeup
JC: Wait, maybe he IS DJ Khaled
JC: Whoa
JC: Can we talk about Perrie Cataldo?
JC: and Suzanne Toon?
SF: Yes we can
JC: Both coulda done it, I think
SF: I agree
SF: Good backstories, too
JC: Suzanne even flat-ironed her hair for Hollywood!
SF: She got her hair did for real
SF: Colors and shapes
JC: She turned into the white Suzanne Toon
JC: Heavy
JC: Instead, we got Brooke whatshername
SF: (Brooke is gonna be a wrap real quick)
SF: I was feeling a sort of Jaheim in East LA thing from Perry
JC: I mean, he's the 6th man in Day26 at best
SF: Day26 rules.
JC: Pazz & Jop, man - ask about me
JC: But way more interesting than Colton
SF: Honestly, who the fuck is Colton?
JC: High School Musical extra
SF: He looks like Rory Culkin.
SF: Alright, it's official, Colton is my nemesis.
JC: You can kick his ass?
SF: Emotionally, yes.
JC: With the spiritual guidance of Josiah
SF: I can run him over with Josiah's car
JC: Only if you got 5 on gas
SF: Josiah is my co-pilot
JC: As re Brooke, yeah, she's gone
JC: Kristy Lee Cook will beat her to death in her sleep
JC: On the inside, Kristy is evil, I think
JC: Also evil, those fake acid-wash jeans
SF: I hope she reveals her android exoskeleton soon.
SF: She is the Terminator.
JC: Finally, MIGHT I RECOMMEND A NEW MANICURIST?
JC: Her tips were a fucking mess
JC: [that's my new blog name, btw]
ALL KIDDING ASIDE
JC (8:01:50 PM): Early prediction for final 2?
SF: Asia'h and Michael Johns
SF: Carly, if America is full of morons
SF: You?
SF: (Oh yeah, I really like Ramiele!)
JC: Before i forget, what was that fake reggae thing they were playing at the end? (my DVR cut off - thank god i was also taping "Moment of Truth")
JC: WOULD YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE IF YOU KNEW YOU WOUNDN'T GET CAUGHT?
SF: Mine did, too I actually missed Joanne get that chubby chaser love.
JC: I'm going David & Syesha
JC: David's getting that Disney love
JC: He's the new Jordin Sparks
JC: Syesha is like Melinda except Oliver won't like her
SF: Not a bad thought.
JC: Hi Oliver!
SF: Ka-boom.
Crowning Queens
Tags: American Idol, Clive Davis, Kate Bush, Leona Lewis, Simon Cowell
Leona Lewis: "Bleeding Love"
from the forthcoming Spirit (J)
Kate Bush: "Running Up That Hill"
from Hounds of Love
With news that Clive Davis intends to roll out Leona Lewis as an artist you need to care about at his pre-Grammy party this year, it's probably time we spend some energy on her. But not too much energy. Music Editor JC has had a thing for her for a minute and we featured the controlled, crystalline vocalist in our Mentors edition of NEXT in September's Juice issue. Both Simon Cowell, who praised the singer throughout her run on U.K.'s X Factor (the Brit American Idol), and legendary recordman Davis have been pushing Lewis as a nu-Mariah, a performer with the flexibility to melt hearts and titillate minds. No word on either of those conceits yet. To me, Lewis's debut single "Bleeding Love" smacks of Kate Bush, coupling those thwacking drums with a mid-tempo singing style. Compare and contrast the two tracks above. Bush probably (?) isn't a reference point for the 22-year-old Lewis, but there's the sound of something similar. It's early still, but if she leans more artiste than diva, I won't be mad.
Usher's New Single Or Just Another Leak?
Tags: Polow Da Don, Usher, Young Jeezy
Usher feat. Young Jeezy: "Love in the Club"
from Usher's forthcoming untitled album
There's been "Moving Mountains" with Timbaland, "Only One" with Pharrell, "Oooh Shawty" with Sean Paul of YoungBloodz and the brilliant "Dat Girl Right There" with Ludacris in the last 5 months. Now Usher has leaked another song, one that sounds as close to a lead single to his untitled Confessions followup as he's released yet. And while "Dat Girl" was loads more sonically interesting, "Love in the Club" feels like a perfectly-constructed ATL anthem -- pristine Polow keyboards, an "Ay" chant, Jeezy verse stomping through the wet backend. The start of something big?
Rounding Up the (Maybe) Hits
Tags: Janet Jackson, Polow Da Don, Snoop Dogg, YV
Janet Jackson: "Rock With U"
from the forthcoming Discipline (Def Jam)
Snoop Dogg: "Neva Hafta Wurry"
from the forthcoming Ego Trippin' (Geffen)
YV feat. Polow Da Don: "I Gotta Dollar"
Culturally speaking, February is the dregs. Bad movies, bad books and bad music. Popular art is a dead issue as Americans spend their time drinking cocoa on couches, not spending cake on music -- digital or otherwise. Labels roll out less anticipated product and marketing dollars dwindle. This makes my job easier -- less ephemera to melt my brain -- but also puts us at a disadvantage. Without fresh music, there isn't much reason to bandy about anything. Still, something has to fill the gaps, counterprogram the drudgery, as it were. So here comes Snoop, preparing his ninth major label album, reducing himself to a crooning libido and also West Coast rap's éminence grise, letting wafting production (Ego Trippin' was reportedly overseen by Teddy Riley!) and attitude justify its existence. That may not turn out to be true, but "Neva Hafta Wurry," like its predecessor "Sexual Eruption/Sensual Seduction," is airy (or is it flimsy?) enough to ignore and celebrate with equal energies.
Janet Jackson has taken the opposite strategy for her Discipline, the first album on boyfriend Jermaine Dupri's label, Def Jam. First single, "Feedback," was a vivacious, kinetic piece of pop, but it felt labored over, like a science project. All its paper mache volcanoes are in the right place, but the personality somehow got misplaced in a test tube. The stronger, sleeker follow-up "Rock With U" is an obvious nod to her big brother, Mike. With Zapp-ed vocal tricks in place and a mid-tempo Janet has always been more comfortable with, "Rock With U" is better than "Feedback." It's still not the calmly seductive song that Janet needs to remind fans what she's done best for the last decade (I'm thinking "Again" here), but it's a step in the right direction.
The least known artists here, YV's stripper anthem "I Gotta Dollar" is the most ignorant and also, by far, the best song of the trio. Recalling the Little Rascals' Buckwheat and his nyah-nyah chant, the song includes (in a shocker) an accompanying dance and a mesmerizing trumpet-punctuated beat provided by Polow, who's been quiet of late. Buckwheat has long been a controversial figure and this song is already being called a mindless, degrading piece of music -- check some of the YouTube commenters here. But it's motion and energy is undeniable. Maybe the year's first honest-to-goodness rap hit.
