Sean Fennessey

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Kill Your Idols: Hollywood Week & The Final 24

Posted 02/13/2008 at 11:50 PM | Comment?

We are back and ridiculously excited about the seventh AND EASILY GREATEST IN THE HISTORY OF PLANETS season of American Idol. For those new to the situation, each week Music Editor Jon Caramanica and I bitch, moan, lie, cheat, steal and cry over the previous night's episode of the reality singing contest. It's great fun. Maybe. Our first entry is a double dip analyzing the revamped Hollywood Week and selection of 24 episodes. Commence shit-talking.

WE FEEL FOR YOU, JOSIAH
Jon Caramanica: ARE YOU AFRAID OF DYING BECAUSE YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT?
Sean Fennessey: I'm already at a loss.
JC: Got those Cardin McKinney MySpace jams on in the background
SF: I got those Cardin McKinney JPEGs floating on my screensaver
JC: I didn't know I could love a pair of legs more than Antonella's...
SF: Shawty is a ten
JC: No model, though
JC: Joanne was on that Mo'nique
SF: + size is a good singer, but I wasn't feeling it.
JC: Cover of Plus Model magazine!
SF: What's with all these contestants with long ass reality show rap sheets?
SF: Syesha was on The One
SF: Your man David Archuleta was also getting that Star Search money back in '03.
JC: I mean, I've been saying this for years
JC: But I feel like half of all Americans have been on some kind of TV show
JC: To whoever does the national surveys: Can you put that question on there?
JC: I'm trying to get my niche-demo marketing cake
SF: The Census Bureau, get on your grind
JC: As re Joanne, my preferred plus-size model is Chikezie
JC: Your mom must be thrilled to have a young Luther on there
SF: You have no idea
SF: That guy is more Teddy Pendergrass to me, but I hear you.
JC: All apologies to Bubba Lampkin
SF: I'm sort of disappointed we didn't open with Josiah, the most humiliated contestant with talent I have ever seen
JC: Total mistake
SF: Wasn't that whole affair bizarre?
JC: That one-minute outro was probably the best TV this season will have to offer
SF: The kid was fascinating at worst, a real contender at best, plus they made us care about him
JC: THEY'RE SENDING HIM BACK TO THE WHIP
SF: Very strange execution
JC: NO PARENTS TO MEET HIM BY THE ELEVATOR
SF: That shit was sad.
JC: His MySpace is serious though - he been on that snocap
SF: Michael Johns was like "You're a songwriter, kid! You'll be fine."
SF: Meanwhile Johns is getting ass from Cardin backstage
JC: I'm sure he would have been a mess trying to do arrangements that didn't emanate from his own frontal lobe
JC: They're gonna tell me Michael Johns isn't 44?
SF: I think that is Robin Thicke
JC: BEST SEASON EVER
JC: I'm super sad about Josiah
JC: Him and Kyle
SF: Me, too, seriously, what the fuck?
JC: Kyle bodied that Groban
JC: (And looks like my man Josh 10 years ago - don't worry, Kyle. you'll grow out of it!)
SF: Kyle was eons better than Colton Berry (Again, WTF?) but I could see Paula not getting him
JC: One more thing on Josiah - I actually liked his "Stand By Me"
SF: Me too!
SF: I knew we were both gonna be feeling that kid (PAUSE)
JC: He gets the changes, knows how to make easy alterations to melodies
JC: He's an obvious ringer for us
SF: His Mika imitation was uncanny, too. That song is hard to sing.
JC: He'll always have a career as the frontman for Saves The Day, though
SF: Badum-cha
JC: You thought i'd forget?

FALSE PROPHETS
SF: So about this Carly Smithson crock of shit...
SF: That girl is overrated and not fun to look at
JC: Man, did her husband tattoo her tongue blue?
JC: What was going on with that yesterday?
SF: I know my notes read: "Blue tongues in, I guess?"
JC: I saw some of the talent in the last couple of songs
JC: But sheesh, here's a person who has demonstrated a severe lack of ability to sell records
JC: You'd think that would make Simon's dick soft
JC: Also, not to be all Lou Dobbs up in here
JC: but Irish Idol?
SF: I'm saying.
JC: Australian Idol? (Michael Johns)
SF: RINGERS RINGERS RINGERS RINGERS
SF: That's the theme this year
JC: Can Drew Poppelreiter eat?
JC: Praise a cowboy, save a turkey
SF: Is Kristy Lee Cook the only Country rep?
JC: Well, maybe (Leif) Garrett Haley sings country?
JC: For what it's worth, this is a girls' season
JC: I have no idea what he sounds like
SF: Speaking of...
SF: Who the hell is Jason Castro, Luke Menard, Kady Malloy, Amy Davis, Alaina Whitaker, Alex Lushington, Robbie Carrico and Jason Yager?
JC: Totes
JC: Collateral damage - easy early round sacrifices to make way for the rest...
SF: Could we get a note or two on those people?
JC: Carrico's legit-ish
JC:The rest...
SF: Fuckin' Josiah makin' us fall in love with his sad bastard story and I don't even know what a Garrett Haley is.
SF: How are people supposed to vote for strangers?
JC: they're _not_ - that's the point I was making
JC: They're easy marks to make way for the real top 12, already diabolically pre-selected by the Simons
SF: That's a dirty trick.
JC: I only figured it out last season
SF: Has it always been like this? I feel hoodwinked.
JC: I think so
SF: At least they're repping for Asia'h Epperson (great name)
JC: Yeah, she's top 8 easy
JC: Maybe my fave
SF: Definitely mine
SF: Most contemporary by far
JC: Easily 6 really good girls
JC: Maybe 2 dudes
JC: Also, when they said Alaina Whitaker, I was, for a sec, thinking, "Alaina Alexander's back!?!?"
JC: FINALLY READY TO MAKE NICE
JC: Too bad
SF: That's your wife.
JC: Been waiting for that.

ROCK OF LOVE?
SF: Do you like Amanda Overmyer?
JC: No, I will not be getting any IVs administered by the rock & roll nurse
SF: Aw, too bad.
JC: I don't get that particular fetish catalog
SF: Well you don't care about classic rock, so she's an obvious no go for you.
JC: You riding?
SF: I'm not particularly taken with her voice, but I like her confidence.
SF: She was non-plussed when they pushed her through. Like "Yeah, cool, whatever, I'm in."
JC: I mean, she's 73 years old
JC: She's seen it all
SF: She didn't even know where she was, you're saying?
JC: Pretty much - all that hair dye has begun to seep in
SF: You know who's a trip?
JC: ?
SF: Danny Noriega - kid can sing the lights out, but I can't look at him for too long.
SF: He's the R&B Antony.
JC: Aw, cheap hair joke
SF: You just went in on Overmyer!
JC: She deserves it!
JC: Danny Noriega is what David Archuleta aspires to be someday!
JC: I'm riding
JC: [yes, pause]
SF: I like Noriega, too. There's just so much sass there. It's a Simon cat fight waiting to happen.
JC: you need to embrace your soft side, man
JC: THE MOST TALENTED TOP 24 IN WORLD HISTORY
SF: I was expecting Seacrest to start screaming WE THE BEST!
JC: If he wasn't rocking all that eye-area makeup
JC: Wait, maybe he IS DJ Khaled
JC: Whoa
JC: Can we talk about Perrie Cataldo?
JC: and Suzanne Toon?
SF: Yes we can
JC: Both coulda done it, I think
SF: I agree
SF: Good backstories, too
JC: Suzanne even flat-ironed her hair for Hollywood!
SF: She got her hair did for real
SF: Colors and shapes
JC: She turned into the white Suzanne Toon
JC: Heavy
JC: Instead, we got Brooke whatshername
SF: (Brooke is gonna be a wrap real quick)
SF: I was feeling a sort of Jaheim in East LA thing from Perry
JC: I mean, he's the 6th man in Day26 at best
SF: Day26 rules.
JC: Pazz & Jop, man - ask about me
JC: But way more interesting than Colton
SF: Honestly, who the fuck is Colton?
JC: High School Musical extra
SF: He looks like Rory Culkin.
SF: Alright, it's official, Colton is my nemesis.
JC: You can kick his ass?
SF: Emotionally, yes.
JC: With the spiritual guidance of Josiah
SF: I can run him over with Josiah's car
JC: Only if you got 5 on gas
SF: Josiah is my co-pilot
JC: As re Brooke, yeah, she's gone
JC: Kristy Lee Cook will beat her to death in her sleep
JC: On the inside, Kristy is evil, I think
JC: Also evil, those fake acid-wash jeans
SF: I hope she reveals her android exoskeleton soon.
SF: She is the Terminator.
JC: Finally, MIGHT I RECOMMEND A NEW MANICURIST?
JC: Her tips were a fucking mess
JC: [that's my new blog name, btw]

ALL KIDDING ASIDE
JC (8:01:50 PM): Early prediction for final 2?
SF: Asia'h and Michael Johns
SF: Carly, if America is full of morons
SF: You?
SF: (Oh yeah, I really like Ramiele!)
JC: Before i forget, what was that fake reggae thing they were playing at the end? (my DVR cut off - thank god i was also taping "Moment of Truth")
JC: WOULD YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE IF YOU KNEW YOU WOUNDN'T GET CAUGHT?
SF: Mine did, too I actually missed Joanne get that chubby chaser love.
JC: I'm going David & Syesha
JC: David's getting that Disney love
JC: He's the new Jordin Sparks
JC: Syesha is like Melinda except Oliver won't like her
SF: Not a bad thought.
JC: Hi Oliver!
SF: Ka-boom.