Kill Your Idols: The Top 12 Guys & Top 12 Girls
Another double dip into American Idol's carnival of foolishness today, wherein Jon Caramanica and I chronicle the highs and lows of your most talented 24 ever. We'll start with the fellas and then move on to the ladies. Drink it up.
THE GUYS
Jon Caramanica: What is with the secret theme?
JC: Why did it take til Chikezie for someone to say it was 60s night?
Sean Fennessey: Strange, right?
JC: They're hiding from the standards
SF: Also, they've been doing that theme almost every season and it's always bad
JC: You can't call people "old-fashioned" as a critique and then kick off with throwback hour!
SF: Exactly, Simon knows only about 30% of these songs
SF: His knowledge starts with pop opera and ends with Whitney
SF: What the hell is he listening to?
JC: KATE BUSH
JC: Do you think Chikezie dropped his last name because he's suspicious of white people?
JC: And he knew they'd be all WHAT UP CHAKEEZEE EEZEE?
SF: Obviously the joke's on him. His parents must hate him to give him that name.
SF: But it's memorable!
JC: This week, he was more like Ch-iz-eeky!
JC: He was on his Josiah!
SF: Let's not lose our heads here, Jon.
SF: There's no Josiah left on that cold Hollywood soundstage
JC: Not vocally, duh
JC: In his post-song banter
SF: "It took a lot of guts"
JC: Real talk - best Idol performance of the week was Josiah on the Ellen Degeneres show
JC: He did "To Run"
SF: Did you assign that ten page feature on him yet?
JC: To myself!
JC: I, too, have a car
JC: Ellen gave him like $8,000 of free music gear
JC: ALREADY A WINNER
SF: Josiah is still caking off that Snocap, too.
JC: You can't make the same joke I made last week
JC: I mean, you can't "cover" my joke
SF: I've been doing it my whole career!
JC: Ba-dum-dum
JC: Feist = funny!
SF: I'm not letting this kid die if I have to watch Jason Yeager sing like he just walked out of the Phi Kappa Beta house.
JC: Jason Yeager?
JC: Doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid
SF: You know, bland guy, looks like he just got done date raping someone?
JC: Nope, no, nothing
JC: Somewhere in Oklahoma, Kyle Ensley is seething
SF: That guy hasn't seethed a day in his life.
SF: He's probably knitting
JC: He's so soft rock
JC: Which is killing it this year
JC: Like Kim Kardashian!
SF: Ouch
SF: But Colton Berry is still a huge theater kid d-bag.
JC: Yup
JC: Colton totes shot at you in his intro last night
JC: "From certain angles, I look like Ellen DeGeneres"
SF: He knows where to find me if he wants some.
SF: I'm out here on the Internet.
JC: I'm not even gonna pause that
JC: Because I know you mean it
JC: He was terrible
SF: He's just bad. Missed the point of "Suspicious Minds," looked weird. He should just do songs from Oklahoma! every week
JC: Danny's Elvis was better, and that dude was dancing like Iggy Pop
JC: That kid can do Vandross, I swear
SF: He's good, even though his song choice was bad.
JC: I know he wants to be all the person he authentically is this year (did you see that haircut from last year?) but really, he's a better soul singer than any guy this year
SF: Still hard to look at. He looks exactly like Tyra Banks.
JC: Amazing
JC: He'll get a better hair solution as he progresses, I imagine
JC: Though the outfit was spot on, I thought
SF: Hoping so, he's got promise.
SF: Unlike, say, oh, maybe Luke Menard
SF: WTF man!
JC: Again, doesn't ring a bell
SF: Speaking of missing the point of songs, Luke.
JC: Nope... nothing
SF: Motherfucker sang Harry Nilsson like it was some happy shit
SF: That's a song about paranoia and he was straight cheesing the whole time.
JC: Honest truth - Ace Young woulda killed that song
JC: Searing with his eyes
SF: Pause
JC: Luke is a carpet cleaner!
SF: So many jokes here
JC: I guarantee, there are going to be some clean fucking carpets in his hometown next week
SF: Congrats, you are the winner of the Luke Menard clean carpet joke this week on Kill Your Idols.
JC: Brought to you by Dyson
JC: "We can vacuum every contestant's hair...except for Garrett's"
SF: Hahahaha
SF: "Haunted"
JC: "It looks like you've been shut up in your bedroom for about a month. You're verging on haunted."
JC: I would like to write record reviews so elegantly
JC: booooooooooooooooooooo
JC: Thumbs down
SF: Josiah locked Garrett in a closet all week.
SF: That's why he's so pale.
JC: Garrett is not actually human
JC: He literally looked like a ghost tonight, sorta hovering near the stage while the girls performed
SF: He is the android surfer kid sent to earth to destroy teen girls' virginity with his wispy attitude
JC: I don't even think a virgin could love him
JC: I'm waiting for his hair to grow over his face and then he'll disappear
SF: Would it be over the top if I hoped Yeager, Menard and Garrett died before the voting show?
JC: Not really
SF: Consider it done.
JC: California, are you out there?
JC: Just please don't hit Jason Castro with a stray
JC: You think he's texting Cheyenne: 'Stupid bitch, I'm famous!'
SF: Is he really the only one smart enough to perform with a guitar?
SF: What was David Cook thinking?
JC: How he can't wait to sing "I'll Be" in some future week
SF: Seriously, Castro is good. He probably won't do well with, say, ABBA week.
JC: Nah, Castro will be awesome on ABBA week - he'll play the guitar like a drum kit. It'll be sexy
JC: Also, he has an innovative hairstyle - the flat-hawk (a flattened mohawk)
JC: Take that, Sanjaya
SF: He's clearly smart about arrangements and he's got genius Jack Johnson charisma
JC: He's like the guy from Incubus if that dude didn't suck
SF: That's your wife.
JC: sigh
JC: You know I'm saving myself for David Archuleta
JC: Did his voice break mid-song?
JC: Sounded like he might have hit puberty
SF: He looks like Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry
SF: Also, not that great a singer
JC: Really?
SF: He's good, but the judges need to chill.
SF: Who wants to buy that kid's album of Bryan Adams ballads?
JC: That was a little grown of a song for him, but he can legitimately sing
JC: He thinks about the notes too much, though - it's visible
SF: In what universe is that popular music?
JC: The 2 million people who bough the first Clay Aiken album
SF: CLAY AIKEN IS DEAD
SF: LONG LIVE CLAY AIKEN
JC: His "Bridge Over Troubled Water" was the lick
JC: Get familiar
SF: I just never understand the judge's perception of "current."
JC: It's a sham
SF: They clearly don't listen to modern pop and R&B
SF: Wait, Michael Johns?
JC: Michael Johns - WILD BORING
JC: Also awaiting his chance to sing "I'll Be"
JC: Also, NOT Josiah
JC: Did you listen to Michael Johns' old band on iTunes?
JC: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
SF: I have this weird urge to hear Michael Johns over a Neptunes beat
JC: Chester French, what up?
SF: "Please Don't Mind" cover maybe?
SF: You know who America doesn't care about?
JC: The High Speed Scene?
SF: I miss Star Trak's "wacky" roster
JC: Like Kenna!
JC: (ha!)
SF: Poor Kenna
JC: Kenna - less burn than Vanessa Marquez!
SF: Also, David Hernandez and his fake gospel take on the music of the '60s -- not good.
JC: Again, doesn't ring a bell
SF: So who's getting booted?
JC: EVERYONE
JC: Everyone but David Archuleta and Jason Castro should just go home
JC: Or get adopted
SF: I think Robbie Carrico has a bright future as a Fuel cover band lead singer
JC: He's like one-fifteenth of Daughtry
JC: And his bandanas are perverse
SF: Boy band castoff!
JC: Unacceptable
JC: It looks like he's on Survivor in the fifth week or something
SF: Someone call Josiah, stat.
JC: Josiah don't need us no more
THE GIRLS
JC: STOP APOLOGIZING FOR BEING SICK
JC: And Ryan, stop touching on them
JC: It's creepy
JC: The boys were better than they should have been, and the girls were worse
SF: Both episodes were backloaded
SF: David, Jason and Michael for guys
SF: Asia'h, Syesha, Ramiele and Carly for girls
JC: Yeah, my girl Kristy Lee Cook bricked her opening slot
SF: Your girl looks like she just got waterboarded
JC: Looked like she spilled 14 bottles of wite-out on her jeans
SF: Not a good look
JC: Shoulda sang Patsy Cline
SF: I just don't care about her
SF: I'm not impressed with people who sing "Amazing Grace" well
SF: You're an asshole if you CAN'T sing that song well
JC: And Alaina "Young Underwood" Whitaker kinda beat her at her own game!
SF: Alaina was good
SF: A pleasant surprise
JC: Terrible blouse
JC: But good voice
SF: Cute gap tooth!
JC: I know! Can't afford braces, prolly!
JC: Great music comes from struggle, Sean
SF: Hicks
JC: Amanda Overmeyer is still waiting for that last hair transplant to come through
JC: Also, she is 23?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
SF: I thought she looked a bit younger this week.
SF: But still like my grandma's sister.
JC: yeah, like 58 instead of 65
SF: Or Grace Slick's orthopedist.
SF: Hippie foot doctors!
JC: I've got nothing for that
SF: I'm going in
JC: She scatted - bad look
SF: Like your girl Leslie!
JC: Has Leslie Hall taught us nothing?
SF: Wow, Leslie. Man, Season 6 was terrible.
JC: I'm still riding with my acceptable-casualties theory
SF: Explain
JC: You can't have 12 Mandisas
JC: You can't have the audience want to root for everyone
JC: You need a Luke Menard
JC: Even when he says nothing it's a necessary use of negative space
SF: There aren't as many obviously bad females though.
SF: Amy Davis is very not good, but she is a peach to look at
SF: Same for Kristy Lee
JC: She's a corpse
JC: Kristy Lee was supposed to be a contender
SF: Bored to tears
SF: She can't hang with Syesha or Asia'h.
JC: No one can
SF: Those girls are on another level.
JC: Asia'h taught Overmeyer a lesson tonight
JC: I've got your Janis Joplin right here, sweetie
JC: Syesha is already grating on me
JC: She's too precious - used to be cute, now it's irksome
SF: I'm intrigued by Alexandrea - weird voice, good performer, sorta reminds me of Missy Elliott (is that mean?)
JC: Alexandrea is post-Winehouse, maybe, if that's possible?
JC: Like a nerdy Teyana Taylor
SF: Yes, that could be a thing maybe.
JC: She was not bad
SF: She'll never win
JC: No, of course not
JC: Good attitude
SF: Yeah, she was snapping on Seacrest.
JC: But she could get molded by a producer into something
JC: Ryan Leslie - are you watching?
JC: Seriously, give her a Santogold record and send her home
SF: Little Known Fact: Ryan Leslie loves Rapidshare
JC: True story?
SF: Of course not
JC: Maybe he made a YouTube video about us
SF: That's your classmate!
JC: 1 year behind!
JC: Before the sunglasses!
SF: Did he major in Icy Pop Bangers?
JC: Government, I think
SF: Same difference.
JC: He got his Ph.D. in Icy Pop Bangers
JC: He probably will want Asia'h over Alexandrea
JC: (Don't we all)
JC: Or maybe Ramiele!
SF: Asia'h, really, this is quite exciting.
SF: There is honest potential there.
SF: Ramiele is more Leslie's lane if you think about it
JC: She was a little Cafe Carlyle with it tonight, but I played it back a couple of times and she's got great shape to her voice
JC: God forbid he team up with Carly
JC: I liked it better when I wasn't watching her emote
SF: Glad to hear Simon come down on Carly
JC: Very necessary
SF: You can't talk contemporary all week and then praise that.
SF: She was singing for WWII veterans there.
JC: I mean, Kady Malloy was as good, frankly
JC: And there's not even a dim lightbulb going on inside that one
SF: Kady is pretty stunning actually.
SF: Way better looking than Britney
SF: Even young, hot Britney
JC: Great voice, and NO idea how to use it
JC: She thinks stupidity is a virtue
SF: She'll get better, they'll work with her
JC: She can be saved
SF: They need a white girl wildcard in there
JC: Brooke, though
JC: Ack
SF: Not mad, actually
JC: Seriously?
JC: David Cook bodied her on that song
SF: Yeah, I think she's sweet. Reminds me of people I meet in the world who aren't cold, beaten-down New York media types.
JC: Dude, you don't actually meet any people like that
SF: She's like the entire state of North Carolina bundled up into one yellow-haired smile factory
JC: It's like you're writing in Dutch or something - I see the words, but they don't mean anything to me
SF: Not a great singer, but more fun than fucking Carly
SF: That girl makes me want to become a cutter.
JC: Cutting is so last season
SF: What's next?
SF: Paging Jessica Shaw
JC: Does she still have a job?
SF: She's probably PAID
SF: People love lists
JC: YESTERDAY - I was sick
JC: TODAY - I am feeling sorta better
JC: TOMORROW - The world will still be a cold place
JC: Unless Asia'h wins this year, the whole show is a sham
SF: Asia'h is probably the only person on the show right now who could have a hit on Hot 97
JC: Or Z100
SF: Ramiele, maybe
JC: YYYYYOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
JC: I did not know Audrea was on this show!
JC: She's sneaky
SF: Aw, I can't believe you made that joke!
JC: So true!
SF: So easy!
JC: Always
SF: (She actually looks more like Aileen)
JC: I don't think so
SF: Filipina
JC: Yes, thank you Asian Studies major
JC: Dear Shelby Lynne - please be advised that your album of jazzy Dusty Springfield covers has just been completely toasted by a 20-year-old sushi waitress
JC: Who's going home?
SF: Joanne and Amy
JC: Amy and Amanda
JC: Can we just close by noting that Paula closed this episode by jerking off a microphone on live television?
SF: She's so meta
JC: Janet Jackson, come home - all is forgiven
JC:...
JC: except Discipline!
Tags: Kill Your Idols
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