Sean Fennessey

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Kill Your Idols: What You May Not Know About Me

Posted 02/28/2008 at 12:17 PM | Comment?

Four down (Bye Colton!) and 20 to go before we arrive at your winner of the seventh season of American Idol...David Archuleta. The preocious 17-year-old received some of the highest praise ever on this week's episode of Idol. We're not so sure about him just yet. One thing you may not know about me and Music Editor Jon Caramanica? We do all of this for you. Enjoy.

THE GUYS
Sean Fennessey: Did you know there are different levels of rock?
Jon Caramanica: Sure
JC: Igneous
JC: The rock near the Earth's core
SF: Magma!
JC: Great metal band
SF: You're welcome, by the way
JC: Am I?
SF: You should be
SF: Robbie Carrico's Bret Michaels weave is not a good look
SF: At all
JC: TMZ broke the news!
SF: Who else?
JC: So tragic for him
JC: He coulda played Orlando bars for 30 years and no one woulda said shit
SF: What was the name of his boy band?
JC: Boyz Unlimited?
SF: PAUSE
JC: pause
JC: sigh
SF: Fucking Lou Pearlman
JC: That's the name of Robbie's blog
SF: Secret blog, obvs.
SF: What up Emily Gould!
JC: Heartbreak Soup is the jam
SF: That's your LIFE!
JC: Please no
JC: No relationship-status updates for me
JC: Besides, I don't even write for Page Six magazine
SF: Wish not want not, mon frere
SF: This is probably more time than I wanted to spend on a Carrico tangent
JC: Hey man, is that Freedom Rock, man?
JC: TURN IT UP!
JC: Sorry
JC: Just needed to get that out
SF: I'll be straight here: Who was your favorite performer?
JC: NOTA
JC: or David
JC: (Eva Cassidy jacker - word to Ann Powers)
SF: No love for Chikezie?
JC: He swagged it out
JC: (ugh)
JC: But was dressed all wrong
SF: True
JC: Decent vocal gestures
JC: But that's all
SF: He's a good smiler
SF: Expressive
JC: That nails it
SF: He's got jokes, too
JC: I love how his intro film basically validated what I was saying last week
JC: He's been hating white people for years
JC: Decades
JC: They stay butchering his name
SF: He's gunning for Simon without even trying
SF: No one knows anything about Nigeria.
JC: Nollywood stand up
JC: Erykah Badu feature stand up
SF: Dennis Lim is caking
JC: Check is in the mail, player!
SF: I'm getting more comfortable with Danny
JC: Too bad Danny isn't
JC: That was really rough
SF: This week he looked like the girl who rented me Beowulf at Blockbuster before the show
SF: She was like Juno with fake-n-bake
JC: EXCLUSIVE DIABLO CODY NUDE PIX CLICK HERE
SF: Good call, upping the hit count there, BTW
SF: I'm just really into his attitude, it's like no ever told him he's sort of weird, which is an awesome trait for a famous person
JC: He shoulda done the Vandross version, not the Carpenters version
JC: He's an R&B singer who wants to be a disco vamp
JC: After Studdard, you can't do "Superstar"
JC: It would be like doing "Summertime" post-Fantasia (and Leona Lewis)
SF: I think Danny will do well on the show, early struggles and he'll rise like a phoenix
JC: I agree
JC: But when David Cook was talking about his passion for WORD SEARCHES, I literally typed "idol is dead"
SF: And David Hernandez, who's probably already blown his load
SF: He looks like he's trying so hard out there
JC: (invert those)
SF: He was very good this week, but I think he's going to have an aneurysm.
JC: He's a lot like the girls - technically proficient, but utterly mechanical
JC: Good and anonymous all at once
SF: Jason on the hand, doesn't even know where he is half the time
JC: Rough time this week
JC: He'll recover though
SF: He's got charm
JC: He has half a personality
JC: "I'm not good at talking"
JC: Too true!
SF: Michael Johns is going to be crushed when he gets voted off in the final 8
JC: Yeah, that dude's a goner
JC: I know you picked him for final 2, but c'mon
JC: He plays TENNIS!
JC: TENNIS
JC: Clears his mind
SF: He's totally decent.
SF: But putting him against Archuleta, who is like fucking Gannon from Zelda right now, is ridiculous
SF: You can't beat Gannon
JC: Did little David drink a grip of Muscle Milk in the past week?
JC: He was looking a touch diesel
SF: David's pockets are on creatine
JC: Kaching!
JC: He got superpowers from the pound Justin Guarini gave him six years ago
SF: Kelly Clarkson was sprung!
JC: You care about the Eva Cassidy thing?
JC: His arrangement of "Imagine" was actually hers, it seems
SF: Oh no, not at all
SF: He's been doing that version for a few years according to Youtube
JC: Ed Kowalcyk is heated once more
JC: It has a slight whiff of duplicity
SF: It's not like these kids have to do anything other than sing these songs
SF: Just ask A capella overlord Luke Menard
JC: Chapter 6?!?!?!?!?!?
JC: AYFKM?
SF: So great
SF: I fell off my couch
JC: They went to Africa!
SF: Why are you on Idol?!? People are paying you in Japan to sing!
JC: He was on his late-period Van der Beek
SF: Seacrest called him on it
JC: I didn't understand a word that guy sang
JC: That song is 50 times cooler than him
JC: And that's not even a good Queen song
SF: A total car crash
JC: Better, possibly, than your man Yeager
SF: Simon was right, people just shouldnt sing Queen
JC: (though I'm definitely feeling like we should go see Michael McDonald at the Blue Note next week)
SF: My Dad, loyal Doobie Brothers fan he is, was probably tossing Ludlum novels at the screen after Yeager
JC: IDOL IS DEAD
SF: Also, Paula was pretty on point all night, especially about Yeager
JC: Yeah, her medication balance is pretty good right now
SF: She's in a good place, I'm proud of her
JC: Except for the murdering David A thing
JC: I don't even hang dice from my rear view mirror
JC: Was that a '70s joke?
SF: She wanted to "squish his head" right?
SF: That's unsettling.
JC: I bet all the other guys were like, please please please we're dying here please please please
SF: I changed my mind, Paula's batshit crazy
JC: Anyone coming close to touching Archuleta?
SF: Sadly, no. Kid is a Disney Channel special waiting to happen.
SF: And Idol knows it and they're filling the place with Ashley Ferls every week from now on.
JC: The other TMZ scoop is that apparently 19 Management is already reaching out to songwriters for him
JC: Kara Dioguardi, get ready
SF: And scene!
JC: No The-Dream joke?

THE GIRLS
JC: Gimme one sec - gotta get some water
SF: The way Paula feels about David I think is the way I feel about Asia'h
JC: Tough to hit those notes in a high-waisted skirt!
JC: Simon was right about the song being a little big for her
JC: But she did 80%, which was enough for me
SF: I disagree, it was almost all the way there for me and I was confused by Simon's comment
SF: It seemed unnecessarily harsh
JC: I'd actually been thinking the same thing
SF: America doesn't understand what he's saying and they're going to think she's bad
JC: And was feeling bad for having to write it here
JC: Simon is incapable of irony or deception
JC: Witness his response to Brooke
JC: Umma do me
SF: You just can't put that out in the world when it was a pretty horrible night all the way around.
JC: Surprisingly tough
SF: Even Randy started every critique with 'So listen..."
SF: Never a good sign
JC: Again, they can sing, but they have no passion
SF: Syesha seems a bit manufactured at this point, especially after learning about her, er, acting career.
JC: Go get me that shell!
JC: Kristy Lee...um
JC: Go fug yourself
SF: Kristy needs to ease up on that push-up bra
JC: Kristy should only wear all camo
JC: My Big Redneck Idol
SF: Not sure if you heard, she's a tomboy
JC: Courting the "Redneck Woman" demo
SF: Ilene on Kristy: "I hate people who like horses."
JC: Ilene should take over for a week
SF: Would obviously be better than me.
JC: Obvs
SF: But she also really likes Brooke, so she's disqualified
JC: Yeesh
JC: Nothing there
SF: Starbucks?
JC: Not even
SF: White women like that stuff
JC: No Yael Naim, she
SF: So true
JC: I have no idea what white women like
JC: Not my strong suit
SF: Neither does Simon
JC: I love how when he doesn't know a song, it's their fault
SF: He'd never heard Heart's "Magic Man"!
JC: Remind you of anyone we know?
SF: Aiyo!
JC: The best part of the internet is that no one reads it
JC: Technology!
SF: You think Amanda Overmyer knows what the internet is?
JC: She's one of those "knowledge is power kinda people"
JC: So no
SF: But she IS a reader.
JC: Her last notes were good, I thought
SF: The "stuff you didn't know about me" feature is hilarious.
SF: I didn't even know Luke Menard's name until last week.
SF: You'd think they'd let that one breathe until the final 12
JC: Carly has TWO jobs
SF: She's still trying to pay her label back for her advance
JC: Tough to recoup $2.3 million
SF: Carly is not the kind of singer I ever get to know if they have a song on the radio
JC: Um, so her dress tonight...was kinda...loose...bouncy
JC: Deliberate?
SF: Carly is not that curvy.
SF: She's Irish.
SF: Trust me
SF: What's an example of a hit song right now that Carly could have recorded
JC: Carly could have recorded the Cascada version of "What Hurts The Most"
JC: (6 weeks late, K!)
JC: While Kady Malloy duets with Paul Potts!
SF: There's something about her, can't put my finger on it.
SF: She looks like she smokes a lot of weed.
SF: You know, working late in the studio, doing Britney for the engineers while Nelly records.
JC: All I could think was "Simon, trust me, Kady is NOT overanalyzing"
JC: Alaina's taking her "goofy blonde" slot
SF: She's not bad
SF: A ditz
SF: But not bad
JC: She did Grease!
JC: White girls love Grease!
SF: Ilene "loves that song."
JC: I, too, love that song
JC: I had a cheesy girlfriend once who used to play the soundtrack incessantly
JC: I capitulated
SF: It's not that bad around these parts
SF: But if it's on cable, fuckin forget it
SF: Afternoon over
JC: Got that DVR programmed?
SF: Nah, just on the flip
JC: Will there be Grease karaoke at the wedding?
SF: NEVER THAT
JC: Bachelor party?
SF: Let's take this one day at a time
JC: Ramiele?
SF: Brutal
JC: She reads the interweb!
SF: Straight karaoke
JC: I kinda liked it
JC: A little literal, but she can sing
JC: She has a dark soul though
SF: She can, hard to watch her butcher a song I already dislike
JC: Her secret is that she hates everyone else on the show
JC: At least we don't have to keep it secret
SF: "One thing you may not know about me is I hope Carly dies!"
JC: "One thing you may not know about me is that I bought that outfit for Alexandria at Yellow Rat Bastard in 1995"