Sean Fennessey

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Breaking it down, one single at a time.

Kill Your Idols: The Sweet 16

Posted 03/06/2008 at 4:11 PM | Comment?

It was a night of embarrassment on American Idol last night -- and we're not just talking about Luke Menard! When the remaining 16 contestants took the stage there was one favorite - David Archuleta - and 15 also-rans. Things changed a bit after that. After tonight there will only be 12. Come join Jon Caramanica and I as we needlessly and hopelessly recount the proceedings.

THE GUYS
Jon Caramanica: My heart is not the first to be broken
JC: My eyes are not the first to have cried
JC: RIP Alaina
Sean Fennessey: I'm worried about you.
JC: Thanks!
SF: I was far sadder about Alexandrea Lushington a/k/a The Lush b/k/a Lush Life
JC: You're the one who texted me "Kady Malloy is banging" last night
SF: She is!
JC: A-Lush'll be fine as a Teyana backup singer
JC: Or a professional Archuleta hugger
SF: Speaking of La David A...
SF: He sucked.
JC: Wild precious
JC: La da dee, La doo dow
JC: She's homeless
SF: I think Seacrest wanted to knock the snot out of him when he went on his homeless soliloquy.
JC: My heart remains frozen, David
JC: If only you'd hit all the notes
SF: There isn't a note on the scale that could make me warm to his stage-y ass. SF: Not even a high G
SF: Also, he's Mormon.
JC: He should take personality lessons from Danny
JC: TMTH!
SF: Danny is my favorite contestant.
SF: Instant great TV
JC: Why do you like Danny but hated Sanjaya?
SF: Because Danny can actually sing -- even though he's been admittedly terrible.
SF: If Danny starts understanding what a spectacle he's become then it loses all its charm.
SF: But I think he's actually just a bitchy dude who loves singing while swinging his hips.
JC: Dude, he KNOWS he's a spectacle. He wants his internet fame
SF: I don't really agree with that.
SF: I think the things he says to Simon are the same things he says to his Mom.
JC: And he would say them to anyone who'll listen - that kid wants to be a host JC: on FuseTV by the time he's 23
SF: God willing!
SF: He does have a little Jesse Camp in him.
JC: I just wish he'd sing
JC: I thought Randy was really spot-on when he called him "vocally shy"
JC: A rare glimmer of brain activity from dude
SF: He was too busy thinking about Michael Hutchence.
SF: Wild man-crush, Randy has on him.
SF: Also, I know we would probably do the same thing he does after every song, but it's really time for Randy to stop reading the song's discography and liner notes after each performance.
JC: They should have "The Productions and Occasional Session Work of Randy Jackson" week, just get it all out in the open
SF: That would probably be terrific, actually.
SF: I always wondered why no one ever performs a Paula song.
SF: That would get a response, no?
SF: "Rush" maybe?
JC: Has that never happened?
SF: Can you remember an example?
JC: I cannot
JC: Maybe in auditions?
SF: I mean, she was never much of a vocalist, but there's got to be something.
SF: I heard Blake Lewis was dying to get his MC Skat Cat on.
JC: Blake joke? Really?
SF: Fuck Blake.
JC: Wow, I bet that felt good to say
JC: NINE months later
SF: Invigorating, even.
JC: You know who was on his Blake this week?
JC: Your man
JC: Luke
SF: Some more performances like that and he'll be filing for Chapter 11.
SF: Aiyo!
JC: YOU WAS A BALLERINA, I GOT THE PICTURES I SEEN YA
JC: That's all I could think about during his performance: W.W.B.P.D. (What would Ballerina P do?)
Luke is a TREND-SETTER
JC: 3,000 word feature on a capella - assign it!
JC: NO BITING, all you readers
SF: Blender has been on that
JC: Hot a capella Fashion!
SF: Talk of the Town piece commences in 5 days
JC: MADE ACAPELLA GANGSTER AGAIN, LEARDNES HOW TO WRITE HARMONY PARTS FOR HAVOC
JC: DRESSED PREPPY BEFORE THAT KANYE TO THE
JC: HAD STUBBLE
JC: FUCKED WHITE BITCHES
SF: Luke Menard is an Alpo for our time.
SF: A man not for these times?
SF: CHIKEZIE E-Z
JC: Fa nominal
JC: Not really
JC: He'll be the best jazz singer in Indianapolis someday
SF: You think he's nailing Donny Hathaway's niece or whatever?
JC: Is that a rumor?
SF: It is now.
JC: TMZ, here we come!
JC: What up Max?
SF: I been ready, get me that Time Warner money
JC: Menard and Hernandez going home?
SF: That's what DialIdol says
SF: And that's what I'm hoping for.
SF: Hernandez' long national nightmare could come to a close.
JC: Hey, Hernandez used to make TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS on a Friday night
JC: Why would you want to publicly fail on Idol?
SF: There's nothing sexier than a 13th place finisher on American Idol.
SF: Hernandez was pretty bad, I thought.
JC: I like the way he stripped it down
SF: Took you long enough to drop that gem
JC: Meta-jokes aren't as funny in this format
SF: Michael Johns? Will he make the top 5?
SF: Are there supporters out there?
JC: That dude's a snore - David Cook ate him this week
JC: No Hernandez
JC: I'm so into Cook's complete lack of cool
SF: He has a combover
JC: Maybe he's the one with the wig
SF: Is David Cook secretly the best soul singer this season?
JC: I think you may be right
SF: "Hellllllo"
SF: He really put himself in contention with that.
SF: He's no Castro though.
JC: That kid's got a great career on Brushfire Records ahead of him
SF: Brushfire? He's about to be on that Dave Matthews label.
SF: ATO bitch
JC: Jack Johnson's already called that kid
JC: If he could find a phone

THE GIRLS
SF: Yo, Brooke White wants you to know she will cut you...
SF: With her heart.
JC: She was good, I thought
JC: No vocal range whatsoever, but she made it work like Castro did Buckley
JC: The girls were mostly wack
SF: Aside from Brooke, everyone else was below average.
SF: Thought Kady actually did OK and they've been too hard on her.
SF: Then again, I want to smell her hair.
SF: Sorry Ilene!
JC: Yeah, I think you're on the fumes on that
JC: I, too, am sorry, Ilene
JC: She's crazy dull
JC: She's sorta like Danny - no personality in performing
SF: You know who's really devolved?
SF: Ramiele
JC: Poor Ramiele - She's at the tip of something
JC: But she did not get it right
SF: She's been doing torchy songs too much, too.
JC: I know she can do better
SF: Her one lively moment was a horrendous disco record.
JC: She's a balladeer, it's what she's made for
JC: I would listen to an album of her just singing ballads...
JC: In the dark...
JC: At the sushi spot.
SF: She still needs some zest.
SF: Also in need of some Zest, Amanda Overmyer.
SF: Wash your hair girl
SF: And look at the camera
JC: I have no thoughts on Amanda
JC: Can she go home now?
SF: She's not going anywhere.
JC: I would like to see Amanda and Kady go home
SF: Should I be legitimately afraid for Asia'h?
JC: Those pants squeezed half the song out of her!
SF: She was cute.
SF: And her "friend," I'm pretty sure, is one of the Ying Yang Twins
SF: He just stepped out of the strip club.
JC: I find it creepy how they now have the family members watching over the farewell performances
JC: Like they're watching lab rats
SF: It's very depressing.
SF: Not sad, just depressing.
SF: The looks on the family members faces are rough.
SF: Just once I want someone's fiancee to give the camera the finger.
JC: That is, unless it's Carly's mom!
JC: Hi there!
JC: When you want to vent about Carly's husband's face tattoos, EMAIL ME!
SF: Nah, it's Amanda's mom who's the hot one. Carly's mom, in all likelihood, has terrible teeth.
JC: She was there last night - she was fire!
SF: She's great.
SF: Definitely looks younger than her daughter.
JC: Yeah, Carly was on her Dita von Teese last night
SF: Before we go, I have nothing on Syesha or Kristy Lee.
SF: They can go as far as I'm concerned.
JC: Um, Kristy had pet rats as a kid
JC: Seriously, no one on Idol has ever undermined their inherent hotness more than Kristy Lee Cook
JC: She's so country.
JC: And so going home
SF: There's a big difference between "tomboy" and "redneck"