Sean Fennessey

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Kill Your Idols: Dolly Parton Week

Posted 04/02/2008 at 11:45 AM | Comment?

Last night Dolly Parton brought her miniature frame and big personality to the rehearsal room of American Idol in our first mentor week of the season. But Dolly's clever mixture of sweet-meets-gritty country music proved a bad match for the nine remaining contestants, save a charmer here and there. Now Jon Caramanica and I will discuss who will be travellin' thru and who came off like a little sparrow. Let's go.

Sean Fennessey: I'm going right in:
SF: MICHAEL JOHNS I KNEW YOU'D COME HOME
Jon Caramanica: tell em why u glad son!
SF: I'm just happy for that old guy.
JC: finally, a song from the decade when he was really on his swag
JC: super duper 70s
JC: really scarfed it out tonight
SF: This is going to sound like a diss, but it's actually a compliment:
SF: He reminded me of Michael Bolton, A LOT
JC: not mad
JC: that guy's up for reassessment
SF: The scarf was a little extra, but those fuck faces he was laying on Paula, wow
JC: surriously
SF: I believe I predicted him top two.
JC: he won't make top 2
SF: He's got a long way to go catching up to the two Davids
SF: But it was really promising,
JC: it was nice for him to not be a rocker for a second
SF: For some reason the show's best soul singer insisted on singing Queen and The Doors.
SF: I hope that's out of his system.
JC: unlikely
SF: Not really sure what the R&B scene is like in Australia
JC: I don't think he knows any black people
JC: no one's ever told him its safe
SF: But he does live in Georgia!
JC: John Farnham!
JC: PURE SOUL ENERGY
SF: Is he going to a mentor later this season?
JC: mentor of hairstyles!
JC: (btw, got a haircut - so that's what i look like!)
SF: Congrats on that news - are you trying out for Season eight?
JC:...of BIG BROTHER
JC: congrats to James!
SF: Is it Skanks vs. Meatheads?
JC: just because I haven't had a girlfriend for a while doesn't make me a skank
SF: Stop ho'ing yourself! Have some self-respect.
JC: I've got plenty of self-respect
JC: for my indubitable game
SF: I have no respect for any of the other candidates on this show. After Josiah, Chikezie and Asia'h were ripped from us prematurely, I can only be suspicious.
hennessy328 (11:59:54 PM): And now that Johns is on his swag, I've got to be worried about him.
JC: least relevant cast ever?
SF: Probably.
SF: I looked deep into the soul of one of Archuleta's admirers tonight and all I saw was a barren runaway.
JC: they share in Christ
SF: Was Christ really into Adult Contemporary? I can't remember.
JC: do you really have to ask?
JC: that and Mac Dre
SF: [JESUS THIZZFACE]
JC: put your stunna crucifix on
SF: Kanye already kilt that game.
SF: How did you feel about Dolly tonight?
JC: tightly packed, as usual
JC: I think when she loosens her belt, all the hate flows out naturally
SF: Either that or the spanks.
JC: SPANX
JC: c'mon man
SF: Sorry, I forgot you wear 'em.
JC: Dolly's smarter than she lets on
JC: RIP Porter Wagoner, while we're here
SF: Word to Porter. Dolly is literally one the greatest American songwriters ever
SF: Great backstory, distinct voice,
SF: Also, an early adopter of plastic surgery.
JC: A friend once sent me a postcard from Dollywood
JC: If you stay less than an hour, you only have to pay like $5
SF: Charitable! Sensible! Humble!
SF: Just like Dolly.
SF: (I've watched Johns' performance on DVR 4 times.)
JC: If you could be a modified feature of Dolly's which would it be?
SF: Hmmm.
SF: Wig?
SF: Does that count?
JC: It does not
JC: I'm going with lips
SF: I'm not going to say breast.
SF: And I can't speak to her other assets.
JC: she won't let you
SF: Naturally.
JC: I would normally transition here to make a joke about one of the contestants who definitely would let you...
JC: But no candidates this year
SF: I'm not sure if I should be offended or not.
SF: I feel like maybe Carly Smithson would find me just Irish enough.
SF: Maybe I need a few more tattoos.
JC: if you could get over her pants!
JC: (or under)
JC: She was on her '88 shit tonight
SF: That was the most on-point statement Simon made all night.
SF: And she was MORTIFIED by it.
JC: she'd actually been ok the last couple of weeks
JC: this was sorta blah
JC: singing was decent, though
SF: Just bores me. Has since day one. Also, at the risk of repeating myself: She had her shot.
JC: song was tragic in the same way the Johns one was
JC: she won't make the finals, which are looking more and more like a David-off each week
SF: Repeat of Season two.
SF: Two gents.
SF: I think Cook may bhave peaked too soon.
SF: I'm not sure yet.
JC: they're already undermining him, making him shout out Doxology and Neil Zaza or whoever
JC: legal threats, i'm guessing
SF: I think it probably has more to do with Internet chatter that's he a faker.
SF: from the likes of me.
JC: his fakeness is what makes him so authentic
SF: Stop blowing my mind.
JC: no can do
SF: Quick reviews of other contestants
SF: Ramiele: Sweet, ineffectual.
JC: SNORE
JC: I love you, boo, but really...it's a wrap
SF: Kristy Lee Redneck: I hate you.
JC: she bit Syesha, Who I Hate
JC: the long dress
JC: the sitting
JC: she also went barefoot - CMON!
SF: Just ghastly.
JC: I actually liked about 60% of that
JC: maybe 40%
JC: but I hate her
SF: Brooke White: ack to the drawing board.
JC: baby, holler at Mindy Smith
JC: she'll show you how to do that
SF: Don't call me baby
JC: ok, hon
JC: that was worse than tepid
JC: she's never fought for a man in her life
SF: Ilene pointed out that she talks to the judges and America as if she were our nanny.
SF: "Oh, OK! Thank you! I understand!"
JC: and why shouldn't she
JC: she's like 84 years old
JC: at least 20 years older than you
SF: I am crippled by that remark.
JC: more crippled than Jason Castro?
SF: He needs to rediscover the light.
SF: He's in trouble.
JC: he was gunning for that Archuleta cake this week
SF: FAIL
JC: (also, did you see in that Chikezie interview that he calls Archuleta Archie and Cook Cookie? Amazing.)
JC: I'm adopting that as house style from this moment forward
JC: Tell Watford
SF: Will do. She'll be thrilled to hear you're still a meticulous pain in the ass.
JC: That's right
JC: Can't wait to do a typo count on the June issue