Sean Fennessey

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Breaking it down, one single at a time.

Kill Your Idols: Mariah Carey Week

Posted 04/17/2008 at 3:01 PM | Comment?

Jon Caramanica and I are back after a week off from American Idol chatter and didn't you miss us? You didn't? That will not stop us from doing this thing. And so now Jon (who apologizes for nothing) and I will attempt to understand the complexities of a very special Mariah Carey-coached edition of A.I. Let's go in.

Jon Caramanica: ooookkkkkkkkkaaaaayyyyyyy
Sean Fennessey: WE ARE LIVE!
SF: Would you like to take a minute to apologize to your adoring public?
JC: part of the Idol Gives Back $ went to my salary for the bye week
JC: if you were spending any time missing me, you should have bought a malaria net
SF: wow, using jokes from last week already?
SF: RUSTY
JC: I never got to use them!
SF: That's just how boring this season has gotten.
JC: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
JC: the most exciting thing about last night was the fact that Archie was wearing leather pants
SF: and tonight he was wearing a red leather jacket.
SF: unironically
JC: also, that Mariah did not hug Syesha
SF: I mean I know Glow in the Dark pops off tonight, but c'mon Archie
JC: he didn't bring it last night
SF: I've decided he's a mediocre, one-dimensional singer
JC: aka Xian
SF: He just fits the criteria for that show.
JC: Chris Sligh, in stores soon
JC: I'm buying that album
JC: RIP Mama Yamin
SF: Word.
SF: She blessed us with that gnarly-looking, incredibly gifted singer
JC: Your man was shaken
SF: My heart goes out to El.
JC: though what's with writing shit on hands this season
SF: Not sure, a little too emotional for me.
JC: it's hard to hate on genuine feeling
SF: Consider it done
JC: but we're really like 2 weeks away from Syesha pleading for votes on her palms
SF: Or in her hair. She coulda spelled out the alphabet with that mess tonight.
JC: Syesha, Whom I Hate, is still having a decent run of late
SF: She did well with 'Vanishing." And impressed nerds by taking the deep cut angle.
SF: Dangerous territory.
JC: Well, unlike her competition, she's probably actually listened to Mariah Carey albums
JC: ("Vanishing" is one of my joints)
SF: Yeah, clearly a disciple, probably made this week extra hard for her with all the hate MC was passive-aggressively throwing at her.
JC: Mariah had no love
JC: One faker to another - I SEE YOU
SF: I was impressed with David Cook this week. He actually arranged that, which was nice for a change
JC: Are we sure?
SF: Good point
JC: The stench is still on him
SF: He's basically doing the same song every week. Are we OK with that? It's not really a risk if you've done it successfull 9 times in a row
JC: on his Daughtry
JC: 2 million sold
SF: Puts me right to sleep
JC: fuck that - I'm riding
SF: He's not actually very good though, Jon.
JC: you're using my first name?
SF: I'm trying to get your attention.
SF: Reverse enjoyment doesn't work so well on this one.
JC: nothing reverse about it
JC: he can sing
SF: reverse reverse!
JC: he's a decent songwriter
JC: CORPORATE ROCK STILL ROCKS
SF: Pretty terrible lyricist.
JC: so's Feist
SF: POW!
JC: you asked for it, Sean
SF: But who would you rather fuck?
JC: I never really thought about this, but I wouldn't want to fuck any contestant this season
SF: Hmm.
SF: I think I'm going to avoid this one.
JC: Because Ilene will get jealous of your affection for Jason Castro
SF: I could be doing a phoner with Brooke White 4 months from now
JC: I've never heard of "a phoner" - that some new position?
SF: Aiyo!
SF: Jason Castro's hair can't possibly smell good, right?
JC: Castro stays with the lock butter
JC: He's going to be so famous
SF: Sounds like you've been hollering at him
JC: I've had time
JC: What do you think about Mariah's love for Carly?
SF: She knows she's not a threat.
SF: And if we're going to be frank about man-crushes, I miss Michael Johns
JC: I do not
JC: deuces
JC: He was on TMZ this week, not tipping a skycap
JC: fuck that dude
SF: I'm just into the music, man
JC: how do you type the sound of bongwater bubbling?
JC: I was thinking about this today - the person who benefits most from the ouster of Josiah Leming is David Cook
SF: Naturally
SF: Here we are still talking about Josiah
JC: I miss him
JC: He, too, was on TMZ a couple of weeks back
JC: AT MR. CHOW
SF: Ballin' for real
JC: Who did you think was best this week?
SF: Probably btwn Cook and Castro. Syesha was sleeper great, but judges were hating.
SF: Carly had what I thought was her worst vocal.
SF: She looked good though
SF: I wanna throw Archuleta down a well
SF: Brooke is cool
JC: No she's not
JC: She's getting entitled
JC: Not feeling it
SF: I think she's just like that. You know, the nanny thing.
SF: Lots of time feeling superior.
JC: Nah, she's not grateful anymore
JC: I like 'em grateful
SF: Says so much about you
JC: I can live with that
SF: Well Archie's still got the aw-shucks goin on. That's yr man?
JC: Like Cookie, for example
JC: He seems like he's getting a big head
SF: He does. Literally.
JC: But they ask him if he's single
JC: and he looks like a new puppy he's so excited someone might like him
SF: GIANT HEAD SYNDROME
SF: His skull is enormous
JC: No hairstyle cam save him
SF: Women are terrified of that
JC: I wouldn't know
SF: Meanwhile, Castro is smashing hippie chicks every night!
JC: That kid is money
JC: I can't believe I just said that
JC: But it's true
SF: Tell me more, Vince Vaughn
JC: At least I tapped Anistonakis
SF: Yeah, she's prolly a real treat in the bedroom
SF: TOO RICH
JC: I'm embarrassed to say this, but I thought Syesha was best this week, vocally
SF: That's yr wife.
SF: (I miss saying that all the time)
JC:
JC: I miss you, Sean
SF: [DEEP BREATH, AMERICA. TWO DUDES SHARING]
JC: I'm a feeling person
JC: The end?
SF: No word of Kristy Lee Cook!
JC: she was pretty decent this week
JC: she'll have 2 decent singles on a Sony Nashville album
JC: then dropped
SF: It was her time
JC: I will not miss her stylist
SF: Woof
JC: Jesus take the wheel
JC: Steer thee to a Forever 21