Sean Fennessey

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Kill Your Idols: Neil Diamond Week

Posted 04/30/2008 at 10:57 AM | Comment?

Once more into the fire we go. Last week Jon Caramanica and I were delinquent in our recapping duties and we apologize for that slip-up. Sorta. This week we're back and while American Idol continues its very sloooow descent into obscurity, Neil Diamond is still dropping bombs on 'em. He was the mentor on last night's episode and while the events were a bit snore-worthy, the show remains a bemusing spectacle. More fire.

Jon Caramanica: do you think anyone missed us?
Sean Fennessey: certainly not.
SF: in much the same way i haven't missed any of the contestants this year
SF: one week is like one minute away
JC: it was actually Friday before I realized we hadn't done this
SF: well, you're a very glamorous man doing very glamorous things these days, no?
JC: my skin is so good from all the sleep I'm getting
SF: would it be rude to say i doubt that?
JC: the sleep, or the skin?
SF: skin
JC: wow
SF: it was so wonderful before!
JC: now you're just being mean
SF: not true!
SF: just punishing you for a missed session
SF: this is like community theater
SF: if we don't support it, no one will come
JC: is it possible that the love is truly gone?
JC: will next season be even worth watching?
SF: hard to say, the show is in a really bad place
SF: tonight was among the worst episodes ever, i thought
JC: beyond phoning it in
JC: you know it's tough times when Syesha, Who I Hate, is the best
SF: thinking the exact same thing
SF: she pretty much dominated tonight
JC: and yet I can't remember the names of the songs she sang
JC: Also, barefoot again
SF: she even seemed kind of likable since she figured out what her career is going to look like
SF: GREAT WHITE WAY BABY
JC: every time they tell her she's perfect for Broadway, she seems like she's laughing to hide the tears
JC: that's not what she wants - otherwise, she woulda went on that Grease reality show
SF: sometimes we have to accept our fate
JC: What up, Tamyra Gray
JC: I see you in Rent
SF: speaking of, tamyra looked pained to be recapping the fact that she had season 1 stolen out from under her
SF: by nikki mckibbin!
JC: so tragic, nikki mckibbin
JC: the original Jessica Sierra
SF: where's nikki's sex tape?
JC: on my Blackberry
JC: she's on her Gary Dourdan
SF: oof
SF: those photos were ugly
think Tommy Hilfiger will pay for his rehab?
SF: who's Tommy Hilfiger?
JC: officially found my Hilfiger hockey jersey - next Cool Kids show, ask about me
SF: i almost have nothing to say about this show
SF: i'm incredibly frustrated with the Archuleta stuff
SF: if they want him to have it fine, but he's been legitimately bad for three weeks running
JC: he has no life experience to draw on
JC: the thing I came to appreciate this week was the sheer ruggedness of Neil Diamond
JC: He made those songs sound a little ragged
SF: his voice is raw - that speaking voice is mannish for sure.
SF: impressive for a dude who wears shirts like that
SF: spangles and shit
JC: stunting
JC: the 70s were one big blur of slightly soft suburban flesh
SF: clearly we missed a decade full of fresh, fancy-free sexuality
speak for yourself
SF: you were knockin em out at age 5?
JC: you said "a decade" - i'm making my own 70s
SF: god bless your worry-free personal life
SF: engaged america salutes you
SF: i'm tryna plan a fucking wedding and i'm out here dealing with david cook's smug ass
JC: I bet he would gurgle some nice songs at the ceremony if you'd ask nicely
SF: for 30K!
SF: i could get bucky covington for 1/6 that
JC: and Mandisa for 1/15th that
JC: dude, you should get Mandisa!
JC: that's such a good idea
JC: Who's going home?
SF: I guess Syesha because Simon wields power
SF: but it should be Castro
SF: the bloom is off the rose
JC: I feel like Simon said what he said so that Syesha _wouldn't_ go home
JC: I think Brooke's a wrap
JC: What the fuck was she doing tonight?
JC: Also, what was up with that outfit
JC: I know you're singing Neil Diamond songs, but it is not necessary to recreate Neil Diamond outfits
SF: haha, it was ugly
SF: "i'm a believer" was worse than Smashmouth's version
SF: that's an accomplishment
JC: real Arizona with it
JC: just a mess up and down
SF: but i think she has a base
JC: they've abandoned her before
JC: Castro's base is bigger
SF: who's in that base?
SF: besides the jack johnson disciples?
SF: dreadheads?
JC: teen girls
JC: that guy's handsome
JC: just checked - dialidol has Brooke last by a smidgen over Castro
JC: Syesha to win
SF: well there you go
SF: isn't the fact that Syesha has made it this far astonishing?
JC: not as astonishing as the fact that she is now good
JC: Corinne Bailey Rae meets Minnie Ripperton!
JC: That's almost...correct
SF: i'm not going to lose my head just yet
SF: also: an epic paula moment tonight
JC: I wish we'd done this last week - I actually had lots to say
SF: alas, the world keeps moving.
JC: that's cold
JC: a cold METAPHOR
SF: now it's just going to be a boring show
SF: i have so many metaphors
SF: i'm like Supernatural
SF: i'll be doing this in 20 years
SF: even when no one's listening
SF: just like now!
JC: Supernat's more with the similes
JC: it's important if we say it's important
SF: end?
JC: sure, you old magnificent glamourpuss
JC: hahaha
SF: what a weird two weeks. andrew lloyd weber and then neil diamond
SF: who is this show appealing to?
SF: edgy church ladies?
JC: all those 10-year-old girls from Kansas whose parents take them to Broadway shows
JC: the ones you try not to step on when you're visiting the MTV building
JC: just to go on the record about this: I thought Archie shoulda sang "Think Of Me" straight last week, not turn it into a Maroon 5 song
JC: he coulda done it
JC: would have been good
JC: that dude's gonna make bad records
SF: there's nothing he could have done that i would have been into
JC: and i say this as a guy who thinks Clay Aiken's oeuvre is underrated
SF: i have to end on that officially
SF: that is nearly your mantra
JC: i'm strong
JC: i can take it
SF: you have to live it
JC: every day
JC: i've got nothing else to do