Sean Fennessey

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Kill Your Idols: The Finale, Part I

Posted 05/21/2008 at 12:45 PM | Comment?

Here we are, we've come so far. It's finale time on American Idol, where the War of the Davids proved as goopy and lopsided as we expected. Jon Caramanica and I chatted about the second-to-last episode of the season and we were just a bit cranky about it all. Have a look.

Jon Caramanica: we gonna do this tomorrow too?
Sean Fennessey: I think we should
SF: tomorrow's gonna suck tho
JC: gonna be terrible
JC: who do you think the guest is gonna be?
SF: cole porter's corpse?
JC: that would be better than whatever theyre gonna come up with
SF: that would be dope actually
SF: any guesses?
JC: madonna?
SF: yuk
JC: seriously
JC: BRITNEY SPEARS?!?
SF: never that
SF: THIS IS A SINGING COMPETITION
JC: clay aiken?
SF: well that would blow your barn doors off
JC: yessir!
SF: so, was tonight the most homoerotic event in singing competition history?
JC: not as much so as clay/ruben
JC: i was wondering though if they were gonna have Archie do three songs by gay performers after the Elton number, but no
SF: so close, tho
JC: Cook threw the match, it seems
SF: It does, he chose with his heart and not his head
SF: As shown by the Collective Soul move, which was just bizarre knowing Archie had Imagine in the chamber
JC: an inexplicable choice
JC: not even in the top 50 of songs of that style
JC: i mean, he coulda picked a Daughtry song
SF: that would have been savvy
JC: He didn't want it
JC: He's over the hump - wanting it wanting it wanting it getting it getting it realizing it's fake and rejecting it
SF: Perfectly put.
SF: You could see it on his face at the beginning of the episode
JC: he wasn't cool 3 months ago
JC: now he's too cool
SF: I thought it was odd that Simon thought he looked nervous.
SF: He seemed fine with being no. 2 to me, almost hoping for it.
JC: Simon was wrong
SF: He's gonna win at rock radio regardless
JC: he is
JC: especially with very little competition
SF: Archuleta was pretty gross all night, I thought.
SF: Craven and aw shucks-y to the max
JC: that's odd - i found him maybe the most comfortable in a while
SF: I hate him.
JC: i didn't say i didn't hate him
JC: i thought he gave 3 very strong performances
JC: and he's learning to be in his own skin
SF: Gonna have to disagree
SF: He looks like an alien onstage
JC: he will always look like an alien
JC: now he just looks like one from a more analogous planet
SF: He's like a pod person
JC: i don't know how to say 'yes' in any alien languages
JC: but yes
SF: Invasion of the body Snatchers was an allegory about communism.
SF: My theory is that Archuleta is an allegory about Sciententology
SF: SAVEMEXENU
JC: Hi Victoria!
JC: that's totally a blog!
SF: The allegory blog?
JC: archieandtheclear.tumblr.com
SF: "We couldn't find the page you were looking for."
JC: that'd be a great name for his backing band
SF: That's a scientology trick. Don't believe it.
SF: It's so 2001: A Space Odyssey
SF: Politely demonic
JC: like Glow In The Dark!
SF: Never heard of it
JC: only white people went to that show - probably slipped past your radar
SF: White people like science fiction
SF: Also a blog!
JC: we are so broke
JC: why cant i just come up with a big money idea?
SF: I had a great conversation about this last night.
SF: But I'm not sharing it with the Kill Your Idols readership
JC: i am so ready to be photographed sprawled on my bed, laptop glowing in the background
SF: Holy shit, your girl Gould with the insinuating phallic cord.
SF: That is insanity
JC: it's the future
JC: you're supposed to know that
SF: I'm sensing a theme to this conversation
JC: our failure and impending irrelevance in the face of shifting technological landscape?
SF: I don't know about you. I got Tumblrs for days
SF: Also, I know about Boxden
JC: I will never have a Boxden password
JC: my 30s lack meaning
SF: Obvs.
SF: Boxden is really something
SF: Like really really something.
SF: I think you can buy crack on Boxden
JC: download, you mean
SF: right, of course
SF: are you sure they don't mean the same thing?
SF: (Hi, Doug Morris!)
JC: Man, it's tough to be old
JC: (Hi, Buzz Bissinger!)
SF: All right, let's predict the name of Archie and Cookie's album titles
JC: for Archie, HIS LOVE
JC: for Cookie, HER LOVE
SF: they could have an interlocking half-heart that when placed alongside each other makes a full heart
JC: you realize this year's final is an exact replica of last year's yes?
SF: I do.
SF: This show is a wrap, plain and simple
JC: i've got hopes for next year
JC: foolishly
SF: You have to, Kill Your Idols is going to be purchased by a large hedge fund and it will be our only job.
JC: hey Stereogum, give us a call!
JC: CNET, hit me up on Paypal
SF: I'm looking for that Disney Money.
JC: we need to do more Jonas Bros. posts
JC: White Jeans: Tight Enough?
JC: Why "When You Look Me In The Eyes" Is The Soundtrack TO MY LIFE
SF: Are these jonas posts or album titles? Or both.
JC: zing
JC: So did you even watch the show tonight?
SF: I did, but I totally ignored Archie.
SF: The boxing theme was tops.
SF: Two guys who should never ever be identified with the pugilist paradise
JC: I love the idea of Andrew Lloyd Webber as Cus D'Amato
JC: "get em, glamourpuss!"
SF: And starring Jim Lampley as...Jim Lampley picking up a paycheck!
JC: tremendous
SF: That was some classic Nigel Lythgoe shit. I'm getting excited for SYTYCD
SF: Ilene is AMPED
JC: It's going to singlehandedly save the summer
JC: You think there's another Schwimmer sibling out there?
JC: They can take on the Houghs
JC: Boxing theme was worse than the Ford commercials
JC: It was disastrous.
SF: Great trainwreck TV
SF: Also...
SF: the time has come to put Randy out to pasture
SF: No joking, he's just been abominable this year.
JC: now you sound like the roundtable we weren't invited to
JC: fuck a roundtable
SF: If I wanted to be invited to a roundtable I wouldn't spend half these chats talking about my fiancee and dropping F-bombs.
SF: We're too dangerous for a roundtable.
JC: we make the roundtable
JC: watch out slezak
SF: the gauntlet has been thrown down.
JC: and the other inexplicable carly-lovers
SF: let's finish up this bitterness tomorrow.
JC: i can agree with that
JC: because i have nothing to say about tonight
SF: KTHANXBYE!