Sean Fennessey

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Kill Your Idols: The Finale, Part II

Posted 05/22/2008 at 10:59 AM | Comment?

And here we are at the end and we are filled with genuine surprise, almost shock, that David...Cook is the winner of the seventh season of American Idol. Jon Caramanica and I picked our jaws up off the floor for one more night and discussed the best (George Michael), worst (Bryan Adams) and most baffling (ZZ Top?!?) moments of last night's star-filled(?) Idol finale.

Jon Caramanica: exhausting
Sean Fennessey: That was really quite something they fed us tonight
JC: I was, um, impressed kinda?
SF: Just for archival purposes can we list all of the over-the-hill artists featured on tonight's episode?
JC: go on with your documentarian self
SF: ZZ Top
SF: Bryan Adams
SF: George Michael
JC: Jordin Sparks
SF: there it is
SF: your first joke of the night, folks
JC: I got em in the chamber
SF: also, Michael Johns as Kenny Loggins and Carly Smithson as Linda Ronstadt in a stirring duet
JC: Bryan Adams as Puck
JC: and the highly anticipated return of Mikalah Gordon as...
JC: JULIA ALLISON
SF: Hahaha
JC: HIBACHI!
SF: I thought Matt Rodgers killed it, actually.
SF: Sonning grandfathers all over the place, Seacrest-style
JC: My Spanish ain't too good either
JC: Doesn't stop me from weighing in on Wisin y Yandel
SF: America has noticed
JC: Muchos gracias
SF: So, um, David Cook won this thing, huh?
SF: That's what Google News tells me after my DVR crapped out on "And the Winner Is David-"
JC: I'm shocked, actually
SF: Me, too
SF: Apparently people were really turned off by the judges last night
SF: That's the emerging concensus
JC: That what Rickey said?
JC: MJ?
SF: Edward Wyatt at the New York Times
SF: Perhaps you've heard of it?
JC: ...
SF: But, yeah, folks were speculating about that on the red carpet
SF: and DialIdol.com wins again.
JC: They do - I hope that guy's caking
SF: It is really quite a brilliant idea, that site, and now is the time to crow
SF: Because no one else saw this coming
SF: and I just wish I could have seen Jeff Archuleta's face
JC: Surprised they didn't use a reaction shot
JC: Maybe he was beating up random audience members
SF: He's murdering homeless men in LA right now
JC: Anyhow, his response couldn't have been more gruesome than the sight of Brooke White dancing
SF: To say nothing of Amanda Overmyer
SF: WOW
JC: your girl!
SF: Your wife.
SF: Favorite medley of the night?
JC: hmmmmmm
JC: george michael one wasnt bad
JC: except GM himself
JC: (sunglasses: WTF? those were STUNNA SHADES)
SF: I have a soft spot for GM
SF: PAUSE, obvs.
JC: pause
JC: duh
SF: He's just got great songs
SF: The medleys are always so horrible.
SF: But when I heard "Father Figure," I was like "Oh, this was the joint..."
JC: he's got hits
JC: and for the crowd tonight, constituted "current"
JC: Bryan Adams hasn't aged too well
JC: he looked worse than Donna Summer
SF: Wow, they'd be a great OFF-OFF-OFF Broadway version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff?
JC: like Columbus OH off-bway
SF: Another thing I really realized tonight: Syesha is hot.
SF: Like really hot.
JC: She also sang well
JC: I was really confused
SF: Yeah, things weirdly ran very smoothly tonight
SF: And Cook won
SF: It's weird, I feel like I spent so much time complaining about this season
SF: And then, it wasn't too bad after all.
JC: Tonight was like the victory of the B-list
JC: everyone did their absolute best
SF: Also not bad: Archie and OneRepublic!
JC: even if their best wasn't wasn't good enough
JC: James Ingram, stand up
JC: fuck Ryan Tedder
SF: whoa!
JC: except for Bleeding Love (big up to Jesse McCartney on the co-write!)
SF: You mean our generation's Bernie Taupin?
JC: he wishes
SF: The future is his.
JC: Best performance of the night:
JC: Archie in the Guitar Hero commercial
SF: That was horrifying.
SF: And garnered a rewind on the DVR.
JC: obvs
JC: Why no Cookie ad?
SF: Because he IS rock 'n' roll
JC: He coulda done an ad for Wii Brain Age
SF: I still can't believe Cook won.
SF: That guy kinda has a beer gut!
JC: He has beer jowl
SF: The voice of a generation
JC: He's the safest rock singer in American history
JC: like Dan Fogelberg safe
SF: It's great, I thought Collective Soul choice was such a blunder
SF: But it wasn't. it was sheer genius
JC: Because he won and still had cred?
SF: No, because America, despite its best efforts, can't shake their love of Collective Soul
JC: That's just the Ithaca talking
SF: I beg you to go out to a County Fair in the heartland, homie
SF: "Shine" is soundtracking every hoosgow in the hearth of the country
SF: So, you got your precious Jonas Bros.
SF: Feel better?
JC: I'm still stuck on hoosgow
JC: but yes, thank god for the JBs
JC: Was I right about Kevin or what?
SF: I have no clue who is who
SF: And I'm not gonna learn
SF: I'm having, maybe, my first "I'm getting old" moment
JC: welcome to my world
JC: except NOT
JC: I stay with the youth
SF: Um
SF: Yeah
SF: Right
SF: In conclusion?
JC: But i'm just getting started!
SF: Go in
JC: Nah, just kidding
SF: Don't be ashamed if you have three or four more pages of notes to draw from
SF: We won't hold it against you, jon.
JC: strictly off the dome
JC: no Khia
SF: Any parting sentiments for your adoring public?
JC: celebrate
JC: celebrate
JC: celebrate me home
SF: (VIBE got Ruben to talk shit about Idol, then he got back on the show!)
SF: (they don't read VIBE)
JC: (not at all)
SF: G'night young world.