Speak Easy

Revisiting 'Grown and Sexy'

Posted 06/30/2008 at 7:25 PM  |  5 comment/s

Grow and sexy is a term I first heard on Jay-Z's "Excuse Me Miss". Since then it has become one of the most hackneyed adjectives in the urban lexicon. It's grossly misunderstood and profusely misused. But as I head down to New Orleans this Fourth of July weekend, I've been thinking about this term a lot.

You see, being grown and sexy isn't something you even need to ask me to do. I stopped wearing Timberlands to the club when I realized I was never quite cut out for construction. And being grown and sexy isn't just about wearing hard bottom shoes or a shirt with buttons and a collar. Ladies, it isn't about wearing pumps as opposed to flats or a dress as opposed to a wife beater and jeans.

The operative word in grown and sexy is "grown", which is short hand for behaving in a way that doesn't get you put in holding for the night or you and your crew thrown out by some bouncers. As for the sexy part, well, look, can't everybody be a sexy muh'f*cka, you feel me? Some women will always look like WNBA players on draft day, no matter how hard they try. Some men will always look like they're playing in their fathers clothes because they fail to realize customizing isn't just for cars, it's for the clothes too.

Some would even go so far as to say going to the club after the age of 25 isn't grown and sexy, but that's an entirely different discussion. The point is this weekend, people are going to be out at a club/lounge/bar or whatever, and they're going to be trying to get their G&S on.

What I have decided to do is break down a list of five things that are not grown and sexy when going out, even though people like to think otherwise. One for the ladies and one for the fellas. Here it goes, feel free to add your own in the comments.

Five Things Men Mistake for Being Grown and Sexy

Wearing a bow tie at the club: One of my boys is going to think I'm taking a shot at him, but I'm not. He wasn't the first person I witnessed who was guilty of such a faux-paus. I've noticed a lot of brothers trying to rock a bow-tie look, and a lot of times, it's one of those joints that came pre-assembled and you have to snap together. I don't wear bow-ties, you know why? Because I don't sell Final Calls, and I don't know how to tie one. That rule should apply to all the fellas.

Wearing a T-Shirt to the club: This mostly applies to dudes who like to show off their physique. Nobody cares you got muscles, homie. The fact is when you go out at night, wearing a t-shirt is juvenile. Especially if it's one of those t-shirts with rhinestones and studs. Fellas, if you think I'm just hating, ask yourself this, when is the last time a woman has come up to you at the club and said, "I like your t-shirt." I thought so. Get a dress shirt, man, and if you're one of those dudes who do like to show off your steroid abuse, then just spend the extra bucks to get a custom fit dress shirt.

Knowing and breaking out all the latest dance moves: I blame this on the DJ. I don't know one person over the age of 21 who likes "Superman Dat Hoe", and yet without fail, every time I have gone out since that song hit it big, the DJ tricks the whole crowd into acting like their at a high school dance by throwing this joint on at 2 a.m., the drunkest hour of any club. So DJs cut it out, you know I'm too drunk to know better, why perpetuate my drunken ignorance.

Asking a woman if she would like to dance with you: Look, I'm a huge proponent of chivalry in most situations, but at the club, try not to go overboard with the Prince Charming routine. When "Get Ya Bodied" is blasting through the club and a woman's eyes are closed as she's reaching up for the ceiling and winding her hips like she has to churn butter with them, she is in that zone where even a midget could hop up on it if he can catch the beat. You asking her if she would like to dance is like going out to eat and asking your server how much a glass of tap water costs.

Singing all the words to a song: I've always wondered what possesses a dude to get all up in a girl's ear and sing every word to "I Luv Your Girl." Women, help me out here: How much of a song can a man sing before he makes you want to say "FUUGHHH THAT N****!!!"? The only time you need to be singing or rapping Every. Single. Word. to a song is when "Before I Let You Go" by Frankie Beverly and Maze comes on. And even then, you should be doing more lyp-syncing.

Five Things Women Mistake For Being Grown And Sexy

Ordering wine: Ladies this ain't an After Work happy hour. Nor is it a lounge. This is a club, drink something that comes in a glass you have to fist. Every time a woman gets mad about a drink spilling on her dress, I always look at her like she's crazy. Maybe that could've been prevented if you got a drink that didn't come in a glass you hold with your fingertips. If I offer to buy a drink for a woman and she says White Zinfadel, I'm coming back with an Incredible Hulk just out of spite.

Traveling with more than two girls - I've made it a personal rule not to holler at a girl who's rolled into the club with five or more friends, because that tells me she has dependecy issues. Unless it's your birthday or some bachelorette party, there is no reason you all need to be acting like you got an invite to Oprah's Legends Ball.

Wearing too much makeup: Some lipstick, maybe some eyeliner. I honestly don't know what constitutes too much makeup, but I know it when I see it, and ladies, trust me when I say, no man cares about your makeup job. For all we know your lipstick is made by Crayola. The more makeup you have on, the less real I know you are.

Rocking jewelry with your name on it: The first time I saw women rocking jewelry with their name, whether it was a necklace or a bracelet, I was in the fourth grade. So why the hell are women still doing it today? Stop wearing name jewelry. You're making me feel like i'm at the skating rink.

Going to the club when it's that time of the month: Yeah, I said it. If I could, I would make it a law that no woman is allowed to go to the club that one weekend out of the month she's on. That's just wrong. Consideration is given to birthdays and bachelorette parties, but honestly, if it's not those two occasions, why are you at the club? That's like me showing up to the club in a cast. Why would I go out when an injury is barring me from going all in? If you can't play the whole game, just stay on the bench.

None of these rules are concrete, but they need to at least be discussed. Grown and sexy is a lost art, and if you stick to these rules (and any others that might be left in the comments), you'll be doing your part to preserve it.

de.licio.us digg Furl Reddit YahooMyWeb

Trackbacks

Trackback url for this entry: http://blogs.vibe.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/1416

Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry:

Comments

Add a Comment

You must log in or register to post comments.