Speak Easy

Jozen's BET Awards Running Diary

Posted 06/25/2008 at 8:00 PM  |  1 comment/s

You know why I always love the BET Awards?Nobody ever take themselves too seriously. People never have speeches prepared, Deborah Lee is like the only one who shows up in her Sunday best while the rest of the celebrities use the awards as an excuse to try out their fashion line. The BET Awards are like a barbecue with only hot dogs and hamburgers. Nobody's coming for the food, they just need an excuse to hang out.

And just like a good barbecue, somebody is bound to act like a fool, so I'm about to sit here and document these shenanigans for the next three hours. Thank me in the comments.

8:00 - This year's awards starts with a performance by Usher performing "Love in the Club". Some fine woman dancing with him, which makes me wonder, why didn't those old school groups ever have dancers? I never saw the Temptations live, but I seriously wonder if it would've hurt them if they just got a couple of Detroit chicks to do their moves with them or form them. Was anybody against that back in the days?

8:05 - The first celebrity crowd shot has just happened, and the first shot they show is of the young Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Chris Brown and Rihanna. If it hasn't already happened yet, I would like to give these two their first official joint nickname: Brownanna. You heard it here first.

8:08 - D.L. Hughley is the host of this year's BET Awards. I wonder where he was on the list of desirable hosts. Think he was like ninth? I mean, seriously, how hard is it to get any former host of Comic View to do a BET show.

8:11 - Jennifer Hudson and Terrence Howard are presenting the first award. Hudson is looking like a glass of Dr. Pepper in that dress of hers and Terrence Howard's suit looks like it was made from pool chalk. And he's always rocking that same mini-fro. I swear the man has always looked like somebody's uncle. Always.

8:12 - The nominees are Chris Brown; Raheem DeVaughn; J. Holiday; Ne-Yo; and Trey Songz. Who wins: Chris Brown. Who should win: Raheem Devaughn. And here's what I love about the BET Awards. Ne-Yo's nomination included a song he released like three weeks ago. The producers of the show do not care that the song there are playing for isn't even a part of the work for which he's being nominated.

8:13 - Chris Brown wins and surprise, surprise. No speech prepared. What'd I tell you?

8:19 - Young Jeezy is introduced as an "all around good dude." Yeah, who wrote that on the teleprompter.

8:20 - Jeezy is performing "Put On" which is the song of the summer as far as I'm concerned. Again, another eason why I love the BET Awards. It's the only place I can see a song as hard as this one being performed live...Lil Wayne is standing up tot his joint, as he should. That means he wants to get on the remix. Right?

8:21 - I'm pissed that BET is cutting out half of Kanye's lyrics. It's ruining the whole performance. Note to BET: The censors and righteous black folks have been pissed at you and are no longer watching. Really, it's cool. You don't have to silence the curse words. The only people who are watching are people who like curse words.

8:24 - Mel B and Kevin Hart are presenting Best Male Athlete. Nominees are Kobe Bryant; LeBron James; Floyd Mayweather Jr.; Chris Paul; and Tiger Woods. Who wins: Kobe Bryant. Who should win: Tiger Woods. Kobe isn't there to accept the award, even though he probably lives around the corner.

8:32 - Keyshia Cole is performing and she looks like she's wearing a prom dress, but she looks good. I'd cop her a corsage. But now she just changed outfits and is looking fly in that all-white thing. Damn. I'd cop her two corsages. Lil Kim looks like the kind of girl who didn't go to prom but threw the sickest afterparty.

8:36 - It's a Boyz N The Hood reunion. Cuba Gooding Jr., Morris Chestnutt, Nia Long, this is a nice touch of nostalgia that absolutely makes no sense. Best Female Hip Hop Arist nominees are: Eve, Missy Elliot, Kid Sister, Lil Mama, and Lil Wayne's Ex. Who will win: Missy Elliot. Who should win: Lil Mama.

8:43 - Ne-Yo is performing and the song he's performing has been one of my least favorite on radio. It sucks like that suit he's wearing right now. He's wearing those O.J. gloves and I have no idea why that is. But man, there goes some more fine ass female backup dancers. I'm telling you the Temptations should've been on this.

8:45 - Admittedly, Ne-Yo's performance was dope.

8:47 - Ashanti and LL Cool J are presenting award for the Best New Artist. Nominees are The Dream; Estelle; Flo Rida; Chrisette Michele; Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, who I swear closed out last year's BET Awards. You could just imagine LL Cool J's disgust when he heard Soulja Boy's name.

8:48 - Proof the BET Awards are not important: The winner for the Best New Artist, the Dream, isn't even there. When you can't get a rookie to show up for the championship game, that probably means the title you're playing for isn't that important.

8:55 - It's time for Alicia Keys to perform. She's wearing some skin tight pants, and looks incredible while singining "Teenage Love Affair." I don't know why, but she's looking very mermaid-ish. Swim to my place, girl.

8:56 - Wow, she's performing SWV's "Weak In The Knees" sounding better than all three members of SWV and then brings all three of them out! Wow, talk about a teenage love affair. Much props to Alicia or whoever thought this up. The SWV women look mad civilian.

8:57 - That's it I'm done. En Vogue! These girls were essential to my, umm, growth as a man. I remember I was pissed when I was a boy that I wasn't old enough to holler at any of them. I'd of taken any one of them to my middle school formal.

9:05 - Comedian/actress Niecy Nash announces nominees for Best Male Hip Hop artist. Nominees are: Common; Jay-Z; Lil Wayne; Snoop Dogg; Kanye West. Winner: Kanye West. Who should've won: Lil Wayne.

9:06 - And the weirdest thing just happened. Kanye West brings up Lil Wayne. I mean, he did sell a million his first week, but that's the second shot out Lil Wayne has gotten for that. I guess if he isn't your favorite rapper, he's your favorite rapper's favorite rapper.

9:12 - T-Pain, who's performance I've been looking forward to the most. He's performing a song called "dot-dot-dot" which is probably spelled out like "...", which for those of you who don't know is formally called an ellipsis.

9:13 - First song he's performing is "Low", his collabo with Barry Bonds Flo Rida. This was one of the most popular songs/ringtones of last year. Everytime it would come on in the club, I would see people checking their phone.

9:14- Now it's "The Boss" with Rick Ross, and I'm going to go ahead and say this: Lyrics aside, Rick Ross is the closest thing we've come to a Biggie since Biggie died. Seriously, dude has more charisma than cholesterol and an I-don't-give-a-fuck-how-big-my-belly-is- look-at-the-tattoos mentality that people are digging.

9:15 - If they had a category to "Hook of the year" it should go to T-Pain for "I'm so Hood." Love that hook. Big Boi comes in and lays down his verse, which is dope, as does Ludacris.

9:18 - Gabrielle Union and Derek Luke name nominations for Video of the year. Nominees are Ashanti; Erykah Badu; Mary J. Blige; Alicia Keys; UGK feat. OutKast; Kanye West. The winner is: UGK and Outkast and honestly, that's who should win, even though I swear they were nominated last year. That was one of the best videos in hip hop history.

9:28 - Gospel artist Marvin Sapp is performing and did D.L. Hughley just call him Warren Sapp? Wow. Another thing you have to love about BET Awards, it's the only award show on television that has an obligatory gospel segment. The Grammys would only do this if it was showing on judgement day.

9:33 - Sapp, Marvin that is, is still going. I think they give him the most time on stage. Apparently BET is trying to repent.

9:35 - Mary Mary and Lisa Lisa are announcing the nominees for best Gospel artist. Is it wrong for me to think the Mary in that purple dress is fine? I've always thought she was fine. Seriously. I'd go to a Mary Mary concert just to try and holler. Is that blasphemy? Eh...The nominees are The Clark Sisters; Kirk Franklin; Detrick Haddon; Marvin Sapp; Trin-i-tee 5:7. The winner is Marvin Sapp. And who am I to argue with that win? That's God's choice.

9:45 - Chris Brown is about to perform. First song in what is probably a medley is "With You". I gotta admit, dude is the heir apparent to Usher and his performance is already stronger than Ursh's 30 seconds in.

9:46 - Here comes Ciara who is about to do the type of dance moves that are going to make Riahanna jealous. Godness. Clearly them two didn't watch the gospel segment. That wasn't right, not at all. If the woman I was dating saw me dancing with another woman like that, things would get ugly. But if it's Chris Brown, it's okay? Man...

9:49 - Tired of writing the nominations now. Let's just wait to see who wins. This is T-Pain's main category though. He has three nominations. Kanye West and T-Pain win for "Good Life". T-Pain looks like the Wizard of Oz character they cut out at the last minute.

9:52 - Kanye gives a weird speech calling T-Pain a genius and it's weird that I agree with him.

9:58 - John Legend is coming out looking like a teacher who likes to flirt with all his female students.

10:00 - Al Green receives the Lifetime Achievement award and rightfully so. (Weird coincidence, I'm eating grits as I'm typing this) Jill Scott is performing a tribute to him, and she kicks it off with "Still In Love With You." This is one of the more underrated Al Green classics, I've always liked this one. And I swear his Greatest Hits album is as ever-present as Jay-Z's Reasonable Doubt. I don't know one person who doesn't own that joint.

10:06 - Anthony Hamilton is performing of "Tired of Being Alone." He kind of sounds like Al Green, no? This is just straight old school. I feel like I should have a snifter of cognac right by me and a pile of poker chips. Seriously.

10:08 - And did you hear the weak ovation for Maxwell, that's how pissed people are that he's been gone. Some people don't even recognize him. Look at him strolling onto stage like he wasn't the R&B Jimmy Hoffa (along with D'Angelo). That's like Osama Bin Laden walking into a police station to pay for some parking tickets. NINJA WE'VE BEEN LOOKIN FOR YOU! He's performing "Simply Beautiful" though, and that is low-key one of the most guaranteed panty droppers of all time. That song is...got damn it, where's my Menthols? I don't even smoke, but I feel like I should right now. I should take out my regular lights and just have one red light bulb hanging from a string in the middle of my living room.

10:12 - The only award show that is going to do an Al Green tribute and not play "Let's Stay Together" or "Love and Happiness." Seriously, I appreciate that. Both those songs are played out as good as they are.

10:13 - Al Green just said Academy of BET Awards. Wow, that is hilarious. That reminds of me of this old school cat in my Garlem neighborhood who always tells me he needs to catch the train bus.

10:15 - Oh, okay, Al Green himself is performing "Let's Stay Together," which makes sense. This is one of those songs where even people in wheelchairs do some sort of dance. It's best at 2 in the morning in a bar full of drunk people. You don't need game when this song comes on, as a matter of fact, best not even speak. Just sing. This song is the only song that can bring together the ugliest dude and the prettiest girl together to dance. Whenever a fight in the club breaks out, they just need to play this record.

10:17 - And now "Love and Happiness". I'd argue with closing to "Let's Stay Together" but I feel like Al Green would whoop my ass Civil Rights style if he heard me say that.

10:28 - Rocsi and Terrence J introduce the Viewer's Choice Award. Nominees are Chris Brown; Keyshia Cole; Alicia Keys; Lil Wayne; Soulja Boy Tell 'Em; Jordin Sparks. I'm betting the Viewer's Choice award goes to Lil Wayne. And of course, I was right. This is as surprising as Kurt Cobain winning an MTV Lifetime Achievement Award. I think Kanye and Wayne love each other.

10:33 - Rihanna is going to perform. I wonder if to make Chris Brown jealous for that stunt earlier she's going to bring out Usher and let him do some moves on her. What is this joint she's performing? This joint is wack. Chris Brown is watching nervously.

10:34 - Nothing happened. Lookks like Chris is wearing the pants in that relationship. Come to think about it, that look he was watching Rihanna with looked mad Ike Turner-ish.

10:41 - Here comes Deborah Lee. She tries so hard to look like a cougar. And if you're asking me, umm, I just don't know. I don't know. Maybe 6 shots of good Patron. She's introducing Quincy Jones. And now I'm trying to figure out, which is more prestigious, the Humanitarian Award or the Lifetime Achievement Award? I suppose they're two different things, not unlike the Academy of BET Awards.

10:48 - What would a conversation be like between Quincy Jones and Al Green? I'd like to have a steak dinner with both of them at the same time. They are some cool cats. Guard ya girl if them two walk in the building. Better yet, let your girl go. Make her go talk to them. Tell her, "GIRL! That's Al Green and Quincy, best show respect. If they hollering, holler back. Leave me girl."

10:54 -Nelly is performing "Stepped on My Jz." Jermaine Dupri and Ciara are on this song. It's weird that Nelly is performing with no shirt on and Jermaine Dupri is making eye contact with him like that. I try to avoid having conversations with men who have no shirts on.

10:55 - Ciara's legs are performing. And now Fergie is on. Bring Ciara's legs are back.

11:00 - Of course the last performance of the night belongs to Lil Wayne who opens with the certified club-banger "Got Money" featuring T-Pain. Then it's "Lollipop" with Teddy Pizzle paying homage to Static Major. And, "A Millie." The fact that half the celebrities shown in the crowd shots have also done a remix to this song is testament to how popular this song is.

Well, that's it for the night. I'm going to sleep and dream about that En Vogue performance.

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